what a weight has been lifted off my shoulders!! This agony of not knowing what he's thinking or wanting to do has been killing me! But now that he has told me i feel strangly disconnected! And wooonderful...oh God, i hope this feeling lasts.
So,sent him an email saying i dont want to reconcile. I just wanted honesty. So for the first time he wrote back...
He was at the point where he wanted to drive his car off a cliff literally. And had to go. He had a period of acting out, and dated a few people. One of which I think he took very seriously, and not sure if he still is, makes it sound like he's not, but he says he 'owes' here a hike . She took him on one in her country, and he promised to return the favour.
He has thought about reconcilliation a million times but the thought of going back to feeling suicidal terrifies him.
He says he feels that subconsciouly hes probably already started trying to get back to me thats why he wants to spend more timne together. And enjoys it.
Didnt say he wanted to reconcile, but didnt say he wanted to split, which is what I asked him in the email. Said I needed to move forward.
Very much still in MLC...
The weird thing is, I feel a bit disconnected now, after finding out for sure about the dating etc...
I don't feel like I'm 'his' anymore. And that ofcourse is brilliant, but everything looks a bit different now
He says he wants more out of life, more sex, more interaction, more LIFE.
He says I was supressing this in him over all these years. Hmmmm, only because he wasnt upfront that he actually WANTED these things. He stayed quiet so aas not to hurt me. I would literally have jumped off a cliff for the man, had he asked.
Anyway, just updating everyone. Feel nice now....free.
Pie - I hope the warm fuzzy feeling stays with you awhile, but don't be surprised if all of a sudden anger pops up. Anger at his not talking to you, about how he handled things that effected your entire family. Remember the rule I forgot, let it go for 24-48 hours and then vent here.
The totally disconnected feeling is weird, isn't it? I don't feel "his" anymore, means you feel no emotional, physical, or mental obligation to him. Just be sure it's not a passing moment, and you don't do anything you'll regret later.
Lastly, You were not surpressing him. Only HE could do that, and he did it to himself if it was done at all. He is still trying to get you to shoulder the blame for the R and his feelings.
Pie, I'm wishing you the best but terms like 'suicidal' and 'driving off a cliff' coming from a dude sound awfully dramatic. Be on guard of his intentions. Lack of intimacy makes men say stupid things. Trust me.
Find your comfort zone first and then see if his actions fit in it.
I don't know either of you, but comfort yourself in the fact that you're not alone here. Words are cheap. Actions offer the clues.
M / W: 43 D8 S6 M 10 years / T 13 years W admitted EA/PA: 10.6.09 Separated in same house 10.6.09 W moved out 2.27.10
when he makes you angry and says stupid things to you it shows me that you are still not detached enough. you still hang on to his every word as though he is in total control of your life. you are not quite there yet.
Crushednstuck, thank you, he's never been a talker, so actions are what I have been going on, but now that he's opening up, I suppose you are right to take evrything with a pinch of salt...
Happy, thank u for posting You are right i think. I have come a very long way from where I started. Before i was a VERY emotional little pisces. I would cry if someone looked at me funny LOL. When I found out about other women being involved I felt strangly numb and string about it. Wheras had it been a year ago, I would have been curled up in a ball wailing. So thats improvment at least.
But yes, to be completely non-reactant (is that even a word?), that would be complete detachment. Need to be patient knowing I'll get there I suppose. But finding out about these dates has helped tremendously in feeling more detached...
Thank you Happy, I value your opinions very much Very appreciative
Having a hard time with my S at the moment. He's acting out and starting to talk back and being very cheeky. Dont know if its normal or not at this age, but having to be a dragon all day disciplining him by myself, leaves me emotionally exhausted by the end of the day
H always used to be the disciplanarian (if i got the spelling right I expect applause!!), he was quite military in his approach to discipline. Now hes a bit of a softie, and I'm the one that does all the disciplining, its exhausting!
Ok, so my anger is a bit better today about the dating thing...started thinking about how truly bad H must have felt within himself to tear himself away from his family. He truly did love me and our S, I remember it, and never questioned his love.
Started feeling really bad for him, and totally did a non DB thing, emailed and said I was so sorry for having any part in driving him away from his family.
He emailed back straight away saying to stop feeling bad about it, and that he was 50% the problem, he just couldnt handle the new job, the family and everything at the same time.
So feeling a bit relieved.....that he doesnt think it was all me anymore like he did.
I am so confused right now....dont know which direction my hearts supposed to be going
You are right i think. I have come a very long way from where I started. Before i was a VERY emotional little pisces. I would cry if someone looked at me funny LOL. When I found out about other women being involved I felt strangly numb and string about it. Wheras had it been a year ago, I would have been curled up in a ball wailing. So thats improvment at least.