Boundaries in Marriage

[Concerned_Listener]

This seems perfectly reasonable, loving and healthy to me, and I think doing this would help you with your R, long-term. Oh, she may b*tch and moan at first (she's quite good at that ), but I think you showing that strength -- that boundary -- would be good for you, long- and even medium-term.

I revised my thread title at your suggestion. I remember last year (09') when I was out going to lessons on my own, and going out dancing on my own. I bacame a different person. I was a "single" guy, and enjoying myself, without crossing any lines. She devalues it openly, but I believe it made an impression.

I decided to not wait until the lesson, where my W would have control, to address the conflict. I shared with her my opinion as to why dance practices were not going well. I pointed out the different options--limiting the number of dances we compete in, dropping out, switching to Pro-Am instead of competing together. I voted for limiting our dances to three, the make the work manageable.

I called the instructor this morning, and spoke with him about the trouble we were having, and how our original target of 3-5 dances in two months was causing me stress, and affecting the dance partnership. He revised the number to two. I told my W, and she agreed to this.

Her other complaint to our instructor, was that we don't practice enough. I spend a fair amount of time reviewing dance video, and practicing on my own, but I only get credit from her for the amount of time we practice together, and the quality of the practices. She wants to practice 4X per week (too high a target IMO, but I agreed). I think we'll end up practicing 2X per week, but I'll ask her at least 4X, as she suggests.

The teacher told me that that he and his partner had similar conflicts, and that my struggles are part of the learning curve. I believe my W and I can do an excellent job with two dances, versus mediocre ones with several.

CL