Thanks again GW. You, a complete stranger, have contributed so much to my recovery. Thank you for your pay-it-forward approach. It has been invaluable to me.
I am having a really good day. When I start feeling this good, I dress better and smile more... the best revenge:) I have decided to do away with the scrubs I normally wear at work (but don't have to wear) to wearing more professional attire. I used to do this in private practice and the first year I was here in the hospital. It is time to get back to that starting today! I feel so much better about myself when I wear this and clients respond well too. Plus, I am looking the best I have looked in years...he can eat his heart out
I hope others are having a good day too. I have worked my butt off for this in the past 13 weeks. It is paying off.
(Formerly blgp) Me-35 H-33 Married 4 yrs Together 9 yrs "Bomb" 8/1/10 Separated 8/6/10 D filed 10/21/10, on hold til 1/11
"If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him about your life plans."
Hey there, just getting caught up on your sitch. Sounds like you are taking care of yourself doing pretty good. I will say that the dressing a little nicer helped me a lot too. It made me feel better, and as a bonus H noticed it too. Now I keep it up just to boost my PMA. I feel better when I know I look good. : )
I just journaled several paragraphs and the entire thing got erased...
To sum it up. It will seem like I am doing really well and then I hit a low point like today/tonight. I am stuck at work, it's slow tonight and I have nothing but time on my hands. The hamster in my brain is running quickly on his wheel. The positives are that it is only one hamster now and he is running slower than he was in the past several weeks.
I think I get anxious on the weekends too knowing that this board is slow at that time. I think I may have come to depend on this board a little too much.
I know I am also feeling down because I didn't see him today in the hospital like I expected I would. I wish so much I could say I didn't want to see him and I didn't care. I act that way when I do see him but my brain hasn't started following my actions yet. At least not consistently. There are times when it is true I suppose.
I have been reading the Love must be Tough book. The book is quite outdated in some aspects but still rings true in other areas. Essentially you want what you can't have. Was this man perfect? Heck no. Was he a real pain in the ass much of the time? Yes. But, no one wants to be the one left behind, it only makes you want that person more and think of their good attributes. Which is why the 180 works... at least to a degree. There are times when I can logically look at the situation and say to myself honestly that I don't even want him in my life.
So, how am I going to make myself feel better and get through this? I think it is time I changed up my exercise routine. Perhaps switching to P90x and running when I can rather than running all the time. I also decided to try to learn to swim. I am afraid of water and I always wanted to be able to swim well.
Enough for now.
(Formerly blgp) Me-35 H-33 Married 4 yrs Together 9 yrs "Bomb" 8/1/10 Separated 8/6/10 D filed 10/21/10, on hold til 1/11
"If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him about your life plans."
Don't feel bad about becoming a DB board junkie. This is a safe place to vent. I waited too long to come post here. It has helped me keep it together DBing my H. I have also quit looking to friends and family for support and started DBing them too. Word seems to be getting back to my H that I really am doing better. Best part is that I AM doing better. One of the main reasons is this board and the people on it.
I will try to keep up with your sitch. I'm not over here as much. I moved to MLC & they gave me homework to do.
I like your exercise plan. I'm trying to work in more yoga videos. When D3 wants to "play" too we even have an ABC yoga video we do together. Nothing bumps up your PMA like watching a 3yr old do flying eagle pose.
You are human, this is tough and not fun. YOu will have days like this, you might even have weeks like this. I am having one of those weeks myself.
The boards can be outlet and great place to keep your sanity. There is nothing wrong with that.
I love P90x...highly recommend it.
Exercise it helps
You will get thru these days. Unfortunately, they won't stop coming around. But you can learn to make them a little easier
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
Sorry to hear you are having one of those weeks. I haven't really achieved thinking in weeks yet. My mood and thoughts change so much in one day that I have to think in morning and evening still. I find that a really good PMA morning where I feel almost invincible is followed by a cruddy evening. At least the raw pain is absent at this point. I sometimes even think of my future and look forward to it.
H would have gotten my L's letter today that essentially said we will pick this up after the 1st of the year. Wondering how he will respond to this and the knowledge of which L I hired. Time will tell.
I continue to exercise no matter what. It has really saved my life.
(Formerly blgp) Me-35 H-33 Married 4 yrs Together 9 yrs "Bomb" 8/1/10 Separated 8/6/10 D filed 10/21/10, on hold til 1/11
"If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him about your life plans."
So... been thinking it is time to change the password to my e-mail. Perhaps create a little mystery.
Pros: 1. He gets curious and needs to come talk to me. 2. He doesn't get to feel the attachment I know I felt when I could still read his.
Cons: 1. It was pure agony when I could read his... is it doing the same to him? 2. He may not see how far I have come. 3. It is no longer a tool I can use to "send him a message". There is an e-mail in my inbox from a friend that I am congratulating on getting his marriage back on track. I stayed vague and did not bash H but said I was proud of friend, not approaching their situation the way they did can otherwise lead to an affair and easy way out... I suspect H has read it, maybe not. It seems he is still trying to convince himself that I don't know. However, we haven't talked in a while so hard to say.
I know I talked about this the other day... just still struggling with it a little. In the end, it probably doesn't matter what I do, right?
(Formerly blgp) Me-35 H-33 Married 4 yrs Together 9 yrs "Bomb" 8/1/10 Separated 8/6/10 D filed 10/21/10, on hold til 1/11
"If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him about your life plans."
Good job, blgp! You may feel your anxiety level drop a bit now that he can't read over your shoulder any more.
Annother one that I started doing is when I am on here or on a website about MLC, I use the "in private" function on the Internet Explorer browser. It is in the tools menu. I don't want H finding out about this site and having all my hard work sabotaged my my own venting.
