MLC or not?

[25yearsmlc]

25 and Lance,
YLast time I'm posting a detailed answer b/c I think it is wasted....Some 2 x4's coming and I hope this helps SOMEONE out there if not you...Please listen..

Your post is unecessarily detailed b/c it's repetitive in content and the story repeats itself..what he said or did and then lied and how you hung up or asked him why and blah blah blah MORE OF THE SAME...why you can't see this, I don't know...

Just wanted to let you know that I did text H and his response was "oh well". I'm not paying a penny.

Then H went on to say he was dropping me and my S20 from his benefits. I asked why and his response was, well the D will be over Nov. 6th anyway so I'm dropping the both of you off on the 10th. I asked H to please keep us on because I can't afford benefits here at work, and this was the only way I was surviving.

H's response was "oh well", again. So anyway I called my lawyer and he told me that H couldn't do that and that he would call domestic relations and let them know about the court order from Feb. 09 that he was to supply the benefits on all of us.

I decided to call H and ask if we could work something out so we didn't have to go to court again. He was angry at first,

MORE OF THE SAME. LET THE LAWYER HANDLE IT. HE JUST TOLD YOU YOUR H CANNOT LET YOU AND SON OFF THE BENEFITS. NOTHING ELSE TO TELL....YOU CONTINUE TO ENGAGE AND ENGAGE AND CONTACT
AS IF SOMETHING YOU TRY OR SAY THIS TIME, WILL MAKE A DIFFERENCE. IT HASN'T WORKED...


Just said ok, and that I had to go and goodbye.

Well, domestic relations messed up in Aug. 09 when we had to go back to court for our D14's braces cause H said she didn't need them and he wasn't paying anything for them. H was furious in the hearing. Anyway he has to pay 60% and I have to pay 40% every month. They attached his wages and added it to the child support he pays. But they didn't put the paragraph in from the older order that he is to supply the benefits. My lawyer tried to get it fixed over the phone but no luck. So off to court again and H is furious again.

SO WHAT IF HE'S FURIOUS AGAIN?...SO WHAT?? WHAT'S HE GOING TO DO--, DIVORCE YOU?? Oh wait, he already is...what if he began respecting you?? What if you actually STOPPED having your life revolve around him and how much you're letting him "victimize" you and the kids?? What then? You'd have to fill your life with your own life!!

H had filed for a no-fault Jan. 09 within 2 months after leaving. That day I got the papers I called him and asked why,

and the point of the question, after ALL this time, was what? Oh wait, I know. To get his attention, to try and change his mind, to PURSUE AND PURSUE SOME MORE...THE definition of insanity is repeating the same behavior over and over, and expecting a different result...that's you GF...

and why didn't he let me know. He said he was just mad that day and he didn't want it. So he thinks that on Nov. 6th (2 years of separation), the D will be final. BLAH BLAH BLAH

Well, he must......not true either.

But 25, I do get child support I took H after 4 weeks after separation. Anyway, he was so mad about the hearing that he called yelling at me so I told him that I was hanging up if he couldn't be civil. So I had to hang up on him.

Wait...You got child support? What's left to fight and harangue about? Some details about debt? That's what the lawyers are for and if you say you cannot affor the lawyer OR that the lawyer LEFT SOMETHING OUT, that should not cost you much at all. Tell the lawyer to make the correction. End of story. NO NEED TO CONTACT H ON ANY OF THIS SO FAR...NOT ONE REASON...

Then just Tuesday night he calls again and is a little cocky but BLAH BLAH BLAH MORE OF THE SAME....not as angry, and I asked about the loan this month and he said he didn't know if he was going to pay on it or not. Then he goes off about the hearing coming up and so on. When speaking to him on the phone he goes from being ok, to joking, to trying to get me jealous, to getting angry all within a few minutes time.

AGAIN, NO REASON TO CONTACT H. CALL YOUR L. NOTHING GOOD COMES OF ANY OF THESE CONTACTS...YOU NEED TO GET A LIFE...THIS IS CRAZY AND YOU ARE PARTICIPATING IN THE INSANITY...THAT'S A FACT YOU CAN CONTROL.

I told him that I didn't want to take him back to court but he never contacted me about discussing the issue so I didn't have a choice. That I can't go without benefits and can't afford to pick them up here at work. I calmly asked him if he was going to pay on the loan again this month

THIS WAS ALREADY ASKED & ANSWERED BEFORE AND YOU GOT NOWHERE! STOP PURSUING HIM. STOP..JUST STOP....CALL THE LAWYER B/C YOU SURE CANNOT AFFORD TO NOT HAVE THE LAWYER. YOUR H WILL COMPLY WITH COURT ORDERS OR GO TO JAIL. I THINK HE'LL PICK COMPLIANCE AND GOD KNOWS NOTHING YOU'VE SAID HAS GOTTEN YOU ANYWHERE. YOU ARE WASTING YOUR LIFE WITH THIS...IT'S NOT HEALTHY...YOU REALLY ARE PARTICIPATING IN THE INSANITY IN YOUR LIFE...THE QUESTION IS, WHY??

because it was late again and they are charging us fees everyday it's late. He said he will see, cause he needs to get a lawyer for the hearing and then got angry so I told him I needed to get off the phone because I don't deserve to be talked to that way

HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU HAD TO SAY THIS TO HIM? (JUST IN THIS POST IT'S 3 OR MORE TIMES) YET HE STILL DOES IT? SO...YOUR COMMENT THAT YOU DESERVE BETTER, WHILE ALSO CALLING HIM AGAIN AND AGAIN, WHICH SHOWS YOU'LL TOLERATE THE CRAP FROM HIM B/C YOU KEEP ON CALLING GRASPING AT HIS SCRAPS OF 'MINIMAL CIVILITY' AND CALLING IT PROGRESS....JUST STOP CALLING HIM.

and I wasn't putting up with it. He calms down and asked a question about our D14 then within seconds he comes off that he is involved with someone and that once his ex-girlfriend from 16 years ago leaves her H they are going to get back together. WOW!! They broke up because she was cheating on him right before she got pregnant for the 2nd time and he wasn't sure the child was his and had him tested and everything.

IF YOU WANT TO KEEP HEARING THIS TYPE OF TRASH, CALL JERRY SPRINGER...NONE OF THIS IS INTERESTING OR USEFUL. IF YOU WANT TO GET HEALTHY AND HAPPY AND SET A NORMAL EXAMPLE FOR YOUR KIDS, THEN START TAKING THE ADVICE GIVEN HERE. I FEEL LIKE I'M TALKING TO A PLATE. YOU READ AND READ AND THEN GO AND ACT THE SAME WAY...FOR MONTHS AND MONTHS...YOU NEED MORE HELP THAN THESE POSTS ARE PROVIDING...NO OFFENSE, BUT YOU MUST LIKE BEING MISERABLE. YOUR BEHAVIOR IS ADDICTIVE AND CO-DEPENDENT IN THE EXTREME...SAD REALLY.


He called her every name in the book, never...BLAH BLAH BLAH got along with her....you name it, his family wouldn't even allow her in the house when they were dating. So all I said was ..... said, well that's nice I have to go and I hung up.

With the DBusting thing and yes, I read the book I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't as far as my sitch goes with my H.


WHERE DO YOU SEE ANY DBING BEHAVIOR OF YOURS IN THIS POST?? I SEE ZERO DB-ING..."Damned if I do and damed if I don't..." refers to what? Your h? He's not the isssue! Stop engaging him and you'll be DBing and that will stop ALL this crap from being in your life which is consumed by insanity and back and forth insecurities. This is Jerry Springer carping about tiny little things and not so tiny but nothing about YOUR Personal growth. I don't see it. Sorry but you are SO STUCK and it is by choice. This post shows 10+ examples of you choosing to be stuck...engaging in this type of contact is, to put it bluntly, sick. Hope you'll get help soon. Life is short and you've probably spent a chunk of it in "Cheeseless tunnels"...


So anyway my emotions got the best of me I got so angry for the first time in so long, and I got sick and tired of being upset and texted him that I can now move on ..... I told him to man up and help the family he left with nothing. I thanked him for telling me the truth and said I finally feel free and also told him he wouldn't ever hear from me again no matter what!

We'll see. Maybe you won't contact him...Or maybe he'll want to see if he's still got you on a rope & he'll call or email (ALL For his ego, NOT for reconciliation) and I fear you'll lap it up and hope he throws you a scrap of attention
He might even say "sometimes he misses you or still loves you..." and you'll be "confused" by "The sudden change"...but there is no change, and the divorce will march along without a pause. Sorry but that's how I see this.


I also blocked his number so he couldn't text back or call. Do I regret it now? YES, but a person could only put up with so much.

I spoke too soon. You regret it now? Already? Good grief...

I did the nice thing for so long, and it was like he was taking advantage of me,

No kidding...


and would throw digs in whenever he wanted to, and made me upset a lot, he had full control of me and I let that happen! This went totally against Dbusting, and also Standing for my M.

Yes...and it is still happening. You are giving him ALL the power even after my lengthy time consuming post to you. You went out and did the exact same stuff again. I'm very frustrated.


I might as well as give up on trying to Dbust for a long while although I will still Stand for my M.


Exactly when did you DB? What behavior was detaching or GAL or having a PMA? I just don't think you get DBing conceptually but I am sure you don't get it, behaviorally.

I will just take day by day because God is the only one that can turn this around. The hearing is on the 8th but my lawyer said he will go and that I don't have to be there.

Don't go. Do what your L is suggesting and do not go. Get a good explanation from your L as to what was decided and move on. Period.


I guess this is only for the strong because I'm very very weak and 25 is right. I haven't got anywhere at all in the past 2years. Years ago, I believe I could have handled this better but for some reason I can't, I believe it is because I was never alone before and Standing for my M and Dbusting you don't date or anything like that.

You don't understand DBing if you think this is a hard fast rule and your h has filed for divorce. You seem to think and act as if "standing" really is standing still. It's not. It's more like shutting the door behind you but not locking it. But you don't keep turning around to see if he's opening it. You move on with the assumption he's gone and not coming back BUT that you are going to be happy in your new life. And if he ever catches up to you willing to do the work HE needs to do, b/c you already will have done yours, then you can assess. But since you are not doing YOUR work and he's surely not doing any of his, I think you need to only focus on you.



25, if my H would have died instead of leaving like he did I really believe I could have moved on a lot faster and better. The reason is because I would have believed that he loved me and that's what counts the most.

Nope. No way, I don't buy it. It's your ego. And you control your ego. And whether he ever loved you is NOT "what counts the most" NOT would his dying "prove" he loved you once, NOR would his present behavior prove he never did... People change. Sometimes they change back SOME but they are never the same exact person they once were. You are simply letting your feelings of rejection blind you to the upsides of his absence and ONLY focusing on the negatives.

Hearing from him that he hates me and just 2 weeks prior when we were discussing the benefit thing he threw in there something about us getting together again (cake eating, if you know what I mean),

YAWN...he's an alien. Stop engaging.


Thanks everyone for your responses and all of your advice and for being there for me, but I lost the game. I just can't do this anymore. I stayed off of the board for a while thinking that would help also, but nope. Nothing helps the pain. I thought this was all about busting your divorce, not moving on with someone else if it doesn't work.

You hoped there was a "secret" that was relatively easy to do, a guarantee that if you siimply said or did the "right" thing, he'd be all better. But it's NOT that easy. Nor is it that fast. Div Busting to me, is about TRYING TO SAVE A MARRIAGE by doing the ONE thing YOU can do...which is to change who YOU are, and how you relate to those in your life. The only ONLY person YOU can change is YOU. But Then, when you are a different person, the R's you are in with others, by definition, change too.

If a m cannot be saved, then DBing is about grace under fire and becoming the best person you can become. Keeping your dignity. Modelling for your children what it means to respond with honor and strength and to put your own pain aside to make a better world for your children so that when THEY are betrayed someday in life, you can show them what real strength is. DBing is about how You become a woman only a fool would leave. If your ex is too blind or too far gone to see that, so be it. IF you want there to be a next time, then the next man won't be blind or too far gone, b/c you are a woman only a fool would leave. (And if you DB at all correctly, then You won't pick another fool)


One last thing 25, I did always thank him when he paid on the loan. I even thanked him ahead of time for paying 1/2 of D14's soccer and telling her that he was going to buy us groceries and guess what happened? He didn't go through with it. I really believe my sitch is soooo different from everyone else. Because like I said before, no matter how I act H is not satisfied at all and goes from personality to personality in minutes, sometimes seconds.
Your sitch is no different than 80% of the ones here. Most people who stay stuck a long time say that their sitch is "So unusal" as if it's harder than others. Yours is not the worst here. It's your choice to be stuck that is unusual. I just have not seen you DB for any length of time or in any meaningful way.

DBing has not failed you. You didn't ever really want to "Get it" b/c it meant that YOU had to change, with NO guarantee he will. And your is perhaps mentally ill, like MANY other WAS's here. That does not mean you stick by him, b/c no Al Anon coach will tell you to stay with a drunk b/c "alcoholism is a disease". B/C they know that it hurts others, it infects them. Your h's behavior has infected you and the kids. Enough already. Be done with the crazyiness and pain. Surely you are aware that without him things can only get better. Honestly, aside from financial issues that are NOT unsolvable if you stand firmly with the law, what's going to be worse than all the insecurity and back & forth WITH the h? Is it the times you have "hope"? I think that keeps you stuck. It shouldn't but it does.

It's like my H is mentally ill or something awful. I contact him about loan he gets mad, I don't contact him he gets mad. He isn't the same person, he is a very angry person towards me. , Dbusting can't make him even like me. All I have is God now.

Though I don't see much change in your behavior I think the man your h is now, is not bringing much to the table of marriage. He's not much to lose, frankly. I say that not to be mean but to show you that your loss is what?

Money issues can be best resolved by lawyers since you won't get anywhere with him otherwise AND it's less stressful AND it's what lawyers are for AND your L said he'd go to the next thing anyhow.
Other issues...your h is a liar, he is selfish and a cheat and has a cruel streak in him AND he's a drinker. You really miss THAT?

Of course not. You miss what he either once was but is not now, OR you miss what you hoped he'd become but he didn't. So your "loss" really isn't a real one.
Do you understand that comment? IF so, then recall that "WHERE THE HEAD GOES, THE HEART WILL FOLLOW..."

Remind yourself you did not lose much and you have everything to gain by moving on. I am sorry you are hurting but I KNOW ONLY YOU can get yourself out of this. That's so clear. Decide...DO...Be happy.




Thanks again! Sorry so long!!