My guess is that she was/is having an emotional affair at a minimum. He is a consultant from out of town and they were working on a 1 year project. He is no longer working with her but they continue to communicate via texting.
What approach do I take re shutting this activity down? Do I ask her to either work on the marriage or leave?
I think I have become passive as part of my DBing, trying to be a nicer person and mor accomodating etc.
Over the course of our marriage I had become an angry person due to different approaches with respect to spending money. I liked to save and my wife liked to spend. Although I never yelled at her ever, I was frstrated about the spending and level of debt and always let her know that I was unhappy about things.
I am now trying again to be that nice person that she fell in love with.
She told me this after she met the other man. He is no longer in town but they continue to text. I am not sure that they had a PA but definitely an EA.
What approach do I take re shutting this activity down? Do I ask her to either work on the marriage or leave?
I don't think I would approach her like that, unless you're ready to split up. I can tell you that she would rebel if you say it like that.
However, I do believe she should be confronted about contacting OM. Don't throw things out there that you aren't 100% sure about. If you have proof that she's contacting him, then keep that to yourself and don't tell her "how" you know.
The first thing she will tell you is that he just a friend.Or in this case, she may lay it off to business. My advice would be to tell her that her having separated friendships with the opposite is not appropriate for a married woman. It is very disrespectful to her H.
She will try to get around it and in fact she'll try to turn things around and say you are jealous, controlling, or whatever. So, be prepared and talk from a controlled low tone of voice when you speak to her. Do not turn it into a fight.
She needs to realize that when she has secret friendships with men, you feel that is a threat to the M. Both people in the MR must value it and work to keep it stron. Out of respect for what the M stands for, she needs to stop contact with OM.
If you confront her about the TM to OM, keep your statements short and simple. Don't threaten D or tell her to choose between you & him. Confront her about how you feel disrepected by her inappropriate behavior and that you do not want to be in a M where there are secrets. See how she reacts to that.
You need to know what "you" want before you start out with any conversations along these lines. You can't confront her unprepared. Are you willing to stay until she convinces you she is through with OM? Do you want to put her on notice? Just be sure.
Oh, and do not decide you will move out.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
