cheated on, lied to, and now I am moving on

[Lucky11too]

Glad you had a fun time in TN! I understand your exhaustion. That is the toughest part when visiting others without young kids, b/c of course you want to stay up and visit, but they all get to sleep in! I know it's hard too when we get these painful reminders of lonliness, but even so, you made it thru it, and that's the first step.

Regarding S and H, did you learn any specifics on this in your parenting class? I want to say that you should just step back. If S wants to call H, definitely let him, but it doesn't seem to make sense for you to wear yourself out trying to maintain that R for them if H doesn't even show enough interest in the first place. You definitely don't want to hurt S, but you can only do what you can do. S will know he is loved b/c you show him so much love, despite what he is lacking from H. H is ruining a chance to have a great R with his son, but that is of his own doing.

Good luck with getting the D processed. It's unfortunate that you are having to stay up on the L so much, but at least you're getting it done!

[awest1217]

I really don't do a lot with H, and honestly this was the first weekend I have thought about him a lot in a while. It was all because of the memories coming back.

With S and H, I don't do too much. I just have S call H at least once during the week where he will not see him that weekend, and just text him if something big happens with S, like S getting pink eye, etc. Otherwise I don't do anything, but I don't think I should really do that because he rarely initiates anything with S. He never calls or text me to say he is going to call. S always has to call him and that is a lot for a 3 year old. Anyway...just venting.

Going home and going to relax and go to bed EARLY...so exhausted!

[awest1217]

Having a rough night. I hadn't heard from H since I left for TN and I was ok for that except he hadn't asked about S at all. So I get a text that says "I broke the band of the watch you bought me. :(" and asked where I got it so he could get it fixed. I bought him the watch for our anniversary last year after he lost the one I bought him for our 1st anniversary. He is still wearing his wedding band and then with being upset about the watch...it made me mad and upset.

On top of it, he called to ask a question because he got a letter from the court saying our D will be finalized on Jan 13 as long as it is uncontested. L got the letter for me so I am sure I will hear about it this week. H also said he got the info to the L and had the nerve to say he was upset it is taking her so long to get this done. I told him he could have sent the info at the beginning of the month and could have hired a L himself if he wanted things sped up.

After the conversation, I was very upset. I called H back and politely told him to not contact me ever again unless it has to do with S. We have a great coparenting relationship and I don't want to ruin it. I told him I don't care about him breaking a watch that means so much to me and symbolizes a relationship we don't have. He was upset on the other side, but said ok.

I can't have H and I being friends. I am great with talking and communicating all the time about S, but that is it. I have been in a funk since. I still don't want to be divorced and I have no one to talk to who won't say how much better off I am without him. Believe me, in my head I know I am better off and maybe a little in my heart and deep down I do believe something great will still happen with my life, but it still hurts. I still said until death do us part and I meant it. It really bothers me that he still wears the ring and other stuff, but they mean nothing to him while I am actually keeping that vow.

Realizing it will all be over soon is like a weight being lifted, but at the same time it is so hard. I have to go through another holiday season married yet separated and go through another wedding anniversary and start next year still married...I was just hoping it would be over so I could start this year fresh.

Anyway now that I have vented a ton, I will get to bed. I so thought the days of crying were over, but not yet.

[v1olin]

I can't understand why he still wears his wedding band? My xw took hers off the night of the bomb and never put it back on. She even stopped wearing her mothers ring a few months ago. She has never given me any sort of false hope like a lot of the people on this site. I can only imagine how much harder it would have been if she HAD kept her rings on, kept family pictures up, and called me about sentimental things. She is now dating someone new and it was finally that straw that broke my back. I will always love the mother of my daughters but she destroyed the love I had for her as my wife.

I thought you did the right thing by telling him your personal boundary. At a point it is no longer healthy for the LBS to have too much contact with the WAS.

[ClingingToHope]

I am going through those emotions too. I want it to be over -- but then it's over and deep down I don't want it to be.

My sitch is similar to vIolin's, STBXW took off the ring BEFORE we split up and she gave it back to me last month. Since the split we've had exactly one conversation where I sensed any chance for us and that was October 2009.

I guess it's easier because she isn't giving me any false hope, but it's harder too because it makes me doubt there was every any love for me.

Smart move on telling him only to discuss S. I refuse to talk to STBXW about anything other than the kids -- and unless it's something that has to be done that day I'm keeping it to email.

[awest1217]

CTH - I have hope, but at the same time I also believe there wasn't any love at all. I truly believe I was just part of his codependence. He needed me to help him, and that was it. When he couldn't see me in high school, he would break down crying because he needed me. When I was the one who would try to break up with him because of another girl, he would go into full out begging and pleading and would promise to change, but he needed help. I would try to help and it just wouldn't last. He needed me to help him for some reason. I think because I was his stability, which is why he is still attached to me, but did he ever love me really, I doubt it. What is getting me right now is that I would try on numerous occasions to break up with him and move on because he wasn't ready to move to the next level (marriage) like I was, but he kept saying he wanted it. Really, like now, he just was controlling me, and didn't want me to be with anyone else. I really feel he only says stuff to me because he wants to still have that connection and not let anyone else have it. He may get the latter due to me not having any options, but the first I won't let happen.

As for talking, we still talk about S no problem. I should say text because that is all H has done since he left, but many times we will talk on the phone or in person and it isn't too bad. I did notice last night that H was very uncomfortable because he doesn't know how to be a parent without trying to be more with me. I told him when he first left that if we D'd, we would NOT be friends, and I am sticking to that. He treats me like the people he can't stand and are his friends. He contacts me when he is upset and that is it. Sorry, but that is not a good friend, and not someone I want as a friend. Last night we discussed Thanksgiving and I asked a few other questions.

Today I am going to try to rake the leaves, but it may be postponed due to snow. I love the first snow, but I need to get the leaves raked and there are still a ton not down yet so I need to get those raked as well before the big stuff hits. Hopefully I will get to shop. I need to grocery shop and also get some cold weather stuff like boots for S, a new hat and gloves for me because when I put mine on yesterday...they had holes. I also need to sort H's cold weather stuff and put it together in his many boxes. Then a birthday dinner for my little sister. She is turning 22 and may get proposed to soon...happy for her, but sad at the same time. She won't be getting married for at least two years because both her and her boyfriend are immature and not financially ready to get married. He doesn't have a job and can't hold one. Sis is starting school in January for massage therapy, and won't finish until next October. Sis is sad that S can't come to her dinner, but the joys of D...it affects everyone. Her birthday is actually tomorrow so she will see him then, and may come over for dinner at my house.

Off to eat breakfast...bundle up (it is 28 here) and rake...FUN!!! NOT!!!

[Lucky11too]

I doubt that he did not ever "love" you, but I've been thinking alot recently about how different people think in love a different way. My MIL for example (who I think is a very loving person, but has a very skewed since of love), thinks of love as giving tangible things (aka, is a complete enabler). Her and FIL (IMHO) have an awful R. She alwasys "nags" him, he's always stubborn, and they always sleep separately - but oddly enough, it works for them. Me (and I'm sure you) think of love a lot more differently. For me, it is made up of both the romantic feelings and physical closeness (which can waiver alot) but also of the more deep down feelings of commitment, support, honesty - basically undconditional love. This is obviously a long story for a short answer, but I bet you he thought you had a "loving" R based on neediness and what you provided for him. Even though I'm not to the D yet, I thinking alot about the feelings of my brain vs my heart. Maybe in theory I know I'm better to be away from all of H's destructive ways, but to think about it being completely over between H and I still breaks my heart.

I don't get the ring tho. I know you said he wants to keep up the front, but really, isn't enough enough. At least he is not standing in the way of the D anymore (although I cannot believe he blamed the L for not moving fast enough - some nerve! And so rude-if he wants it done so badly, then he should have done it himself!), but it's awful that he's being emotional hurtful by wearing his ring, watch, etc. I definitely agree with cutting him off except for discussions about S. You have been more than nice, but he has done nothing to deserve your friendship.

Good luck on raking and stay warm!

[awest1217]

Fun day today, and I did get the leaves raked, went shopping, relaxed, went to the party, and afterward went to my step-sister's. Fun, fun day.

H was still wearing his ring, and to add a twist...OW is not living with her H (FB). I am figuring they are getting D'd. I just know how those two can live knowing they ruined two marriages. Why wear the ring when he is with OW? Completely strange. Then tonight he texts me good night. I did respond. Totally don't get him, and probably never will.

I am doing well.

[awest1217]

Wait I just noticed, I meant to put "I didn't respond". Oops

[awest1217]

Well going to be a crazy Monday. There was a bomb threat made at my school on Friday that said there would be a bomb on Monday. Now the psych in me knows that since there was a threat written, means more than likely it is not going to happen because the administration and police have had all weekend to search the building and also take precautions. I had one bomb threat a month my senior year of high school because students wanted to have an extra day off of school. It is kind of scary.

I was fine until last night as I look at S asleep and thought about all he has gone through already and thinking about what would happen if something happened to me. I text H and let him know what I would want him to do just in case (always good to plan). At school, they have a cop at every entrance along with two administrators. Also there is tape at every door with initials so they know if a do has been entered. Strange feeling.

The worst part is S didn't want to go to school today. He cried for 20 m inutes saying he wanted to stay home with mommy. I cried last night thinking of him if anything happened.

I have complete faith in my school and what will be happening. They are awesome people and my principal honestly lives for things like this. Meaning he is a security nut and will protect the school very well (the president has been here twice if that shows how safe we are). No worries, but wanted to vent a little before students show up because I have to be calm for them.

I do want to jsut have on record one other thing. The last two times H has had S, there was something I asked him to do and he didn't. Two times ago was when S got pink eye and H refused to put in the eye drops himself. He wanted me to do it. Then this past weekend, S has really chapped lips and so I have been putting some A&D on them. I asked H to put some on at nap time because S sucks on his blanket at nap and bed and I am figuring that is the problem. H didn't do that either. He said S didn't want him to so he didn't. I didn't say anything, but when did S become the boss. Lastly H text me yesterday about action figures on sale. I told him thank you, but those that he was talking about seem a little too old for S (he is only 3). H got really mad. I said thank you,b ut I feel they are too old. He got really defensive. I just text back that I already got S two presents (H knows about them already) and I am trying really hard not to overcompensate at christmas or get into a present war with H. I got him teh two toys and will get him a sled, and maybe a few other small things, but that is it. S has so many toys he doesn't use and the ones he likes the most are the happy meal ones so honestly...why waste it. S is happy and likes what he has why give him more.