Darker days ahead

[25yearsmlc]

I

[quote]I am completely FASCINATED by the recent posts here--so much GOOD GOOD STUFF!!! I am thinking about how our deepest fears can be brought to fruition by US!

yes, i've discovered some things about myself as well. i look back and i see a lot of that. and much of it was my own doing.

i has to do with the way i see and value myself.

IIt has almost everything to do with the way you see yourself, and what you project about that and how it influences, eventually, how other people see you. The constant need for your h to disprove your negative self image must have been draining on him. I'm NOT saying he's perfect or you're a piece of crap, but you have major issues (reflected by your own comments below) and still you are only addressing "grief" with your IC. Why?

for example, i would say to my stbxh "i'm really just preparing you for your next real wife." (WHY WOULD YOU SAY THIS??)

he would frown at that statement because he viewed it as me calling him 'unfaithful' or a 'cheater' which he hated - obviously, because it's an attack on his character. the way i saw it was that i'm not good enough for someone of his status. sometImes I didn't even know why he was attracted to me. i was totally plain jane. this thinking is due to middle-child syndrome.

Who says? That's you using an easy explanation but I don't buy it. I'm a middle child of sorts (6 of 10), and we have a middle child and MOST middle children don't talk the way you are talking. It's an excuse you are using, again, to avoid deeper searching.

Please tell your IC this and do not give her the easy diagnosis of why. Better yet, stop thinking this way regardless of why you did. Is it really so important NOW? After all, You cannot be a "victim of childhood" forever.

i'm not the oldest or the youngest. so to stand out as a child, i strived to be the smartest. you see where my "i am right" attitude comes from? because in order to stand out, i was the smartest and the smartest is always right (we can debate this but for simplicity sake, just go with it for now).

Does this mean the "need to be right" outweighed all else OR are you talking about something unrelated to the Marriage? I mean, why does this matter today? Unless it relates to your debating small things and the need to be right. SOmetimes that need to be right outweighs the need to be happy. Is that you? What can you do to change that? (instead of diagnosing why it's a trait)

being plain jane, you don't know what is so special about yourself. and that's how i see myself. there's nothing unique or attractive about me. i don't dress unique.
EVEN IF TRUE, which I reject, geez, God forbid you change any of this...it's not like you are legless. You CAN change nearly all of these things if you find them so important. I don't. But still....

i don't look unique. i am just an ordinary girl. i have a college education - just like everyone else. i have a job, like everyone else. i play a sport - like everyone else. i cook, i sleep, i shower - just like everyone else. i'm no better than anybody else. why would anybody choose me? i used to think that my h was the best thing on earth. he was physically attractive, he was smart, he was well educated, and at the time, he came from a good family, same morals. the family part unravelled after we got engaged but i digress. i don't know if that part is important so i'll leave it out for now.

Back to now, and not how mediocre your life has been, (b/c from where I'm sitting, your problems all fall into the normal life stuff AND you have a lot going for you.)

Thing is, if your own h-who you say was good to you--IF HE could not lift your spirits, I know I cannot. And in real life, it's WE who have to life ourselves up, no matter what the sitch is. A lot worse has happened to so many and their attitudes are good and that matters.

I believe what we put out to the world, we get back from the world. This is not revolutionary or brilliant of me. I have 5 living brothers--MEN-- and you know what they want from a woman? They ALL just want and cherish having a loving wife who takes care of herself. That's what they want. Not "the MOST beautiful or the MOST intelligent or the MOST wealthy or "most" anything. Just loving and self respecting (yes that means you don't gain 200lbs and pretend it doesn't matter. But your looks don't have to be Christie Brinkley's either.) A woman of substance knows her worth.

but he was way too good for me. he would tell me that i was attractive or that i was everything he was looking for. he was in love with me before he even knew it himself. to me, it was nice to hear but also so much pressure - there's that negative view again.

I don't even know what to say to that. His loving you was "so much pressure"...pressure to what? Love him back? Enjoy it? Tell your IC this and if they are not helping you, get another one.

i still didn't have the confidence that i would be able to keep him interested in me. it's my abandonment issue. i'm trying to figure out where the abandonment issue is coming from.

While there's value in this, the "solution based therapy" MWD discusses, addresses what to do about it NOW, regardless of underlying cause. Many patients learn and learn about why they are the way they are and then feel justified in being that way. IOW, they do not change. Change is what matters don't you think? There's also some value to "faking it til you make it" meaning you can act as if you are or feel a certain positive way and you'll find those positives often arrive in reality, down the road.

my parents are still together. my father didn't abandon us. my mother was always there. i don't remember when there was a particular time when someone left me and i was devastated. my stbxh was my first love. my first dumping. so i'm really struggling with figuring out the root to my abandonment issue. i don't doubt that it is a problem but maybe i'm not looking in the right area for the answer?

Maybe the anwer won't change the behavior so maybe it's not the holy grail.

geez, looking back at this post, i'm all over the place - this is why i hate peeling the onion. it's disorganized ramblings.

when i spoke of the posters abandoning me here, i'm talking about posters i'm guilty of not posting consistently. which is why you only see bits and pieces.
It's the dodging and surface analysis that frustrates me b/c I think you are cognitively capable of more. ANd the hiding of key facts like the cultural differences AND the suicidal ideation you've still never addressed.

update: the latest on our SA is that we are still far apart on some items. my atty made a glaring calculation error and i just discovered it last night. i'm not happy with the sloppy calculations but i should have looked it over more carefully.

h is still extremely angry. we are still in NC. but his response to our SA proposal let me know that there was no salvaging of this marriage.

How do you "know" any of this, given the NC?

despite reading the books, i still get sucked into the wayward bs. the vets tell me .. it's wayward script so don't take it literally. but i get sucked into it .. and i never thought of myself as a "words of affirmation" person but i'm starting to think that maybe i am. otherwise, the wayward script would roll off like water on a duck's back. the words from the script have a huge affect on me. i also use words to hurt him because it's likely my main LL. i always thought my main LL was QT and PT. but i think WOA is up there.

D4MIL

I don't know what most of that last paragraph means. What he's saying or feeling, since you have NC...nor do I know what is supposed to roll off your back or his, or the words of affirmation now, when there's NC...this confuses me.

While no one wants to "abandon" you, there are people here really looking for advice to use in their situations. Do you see yourself as one of those, truly?

If you want to just journal here, that's fine. But I think that means you don't want feedback or if you get it, you'll simply "observe it" or debate it. And is that as beneficial as us using our time where someone in crisis needs and will use more?

I'm sincerely asking. Not trying to bash you but am honestly curious.