Originally Posted By: happy_again i posted to ALASKA this evening not because he was dating again but because his daughter who is only 14 is to involved in the situation.[quote=happy_again] Ok let's hash this out a bit. You have never, ever posted to my sitch before. First time you do is to criticize?? [quote=happy_again]i personally think that it is very hard for kids to see this happening and they dont need to know all of the details of their parents mistakes at an early age.[quote=happy_again] Having been a child of divorce, no one knows this better than me. However, my daughter has asked me about it several times. I have always prided myself on open, honest communication, and stressed this with my kids as well. If they smoke pot....and they want to talk about it.......I want to hear it, and advise them on it. Give them MY point of view. If they want to ask me about pre-marital sex?? ........I want them to feel comfortable doing so................for them to be able to approach me and trust me.....................they have to KNOW that I am honest with them.
No need to apologize to me. You said your piece, and you saw mine.
Originally Posted By: AmyC _________________________ ALASKA! You don't know the whole story, man. And while I would tend to agree with you on occasion about HA's method of delivery, he has indeed walked a walk that people here are going to benefit from and Lord knows there are times we all have to get it "upside the head" BEFORE we "get it" at all. He's not one to shy away from dishing it out but if you find his first couple of threads you will see that the DB welcome wagon pitched in with more than few spoonsfull that were aimed right at his head! Why, I can think of two of us that were even BANNED from posting to him for a while! Ahhh, the good old days.... Now play nice! _________________________
Ame, if they want to ban me, for standing up for myself to someone that has not even bothered to follow my sitch...........have at it.
A copy of the e-mail I sent to my daughter: Hey Bird, you'd asked me in the past if I had a girlfriend. I do. She doesn't live in XXXXX but we get along great, and she really appreciates me and supports me. I held off telling you guys until I thought you'd be comfortable with the idea......but you are right........we all have to move forward. She has 3 daughters, 17, 15 and 1 that just turned 5. The youngest one, Amy, is a real cutie and has latched onto me like a duck to water. I've always had a way with young kids, and she is no exception. When I visit, she pops up into my lap right off the bat. Anyways, my girlfriend's name is Gail, and she is the same age as me. We get along very well, and I really enjoy her company. I hope this isn't a shock to you, and is why I dropped hints along the way, to get you used to the idea. I didn't say anything to Colton...........because you are old enough to understand, I'm not sure he is. Anyways, I'm not asking you to keep this a secret, if you'd like to tell Mom and Colton, that's fine with me. Now that you know, it won't be long before I introduce you, if you're cool with that. Let me know bud. Love you, Dad.
_________________________ Glenda_aka_kc 03/14/07 03:42 AM
I'm going to try to follow this thread. I, too, am the product of divorced parents. My stepmother and I never got along, didn't know my mom at all, and now [at 53] I'm the divorced LBS who has made a choice not to date. I've had a couple of "dates" but after a 25+ year relationship that it wasn't my choice to end and seeing what the whole episode is doing to my kids it isn't worth it to me. By actuarial tables I've got a lot more years to be around so I might change my mind but since my WAH doesn't seem to happy either, I think I'd rather put what little energy I plan to devote to trying to figure out some type of forward thinking R with XH. At any rate, with all the "stuff" and the suffering I see here, I'd be very interested to hear a different side of the story.
_________________________ happy_again 03/14/07 06:26 AM
Alaska you have serious issues and i am not here to discuss them with you.please dont post on my thread if you want to attack me.no i do not agree with the way you are choosing to handle this with your daughter but she is not my child,read your post again. you were a child of divorce what can you do to make sure that your children dont end up like you.
_________________________ happy_again 03/14/07 07:38 AM
The youngest one, Amy, is a real cutie and has latched onto me like a duck to water. I've always had a way with young kids, and she is no exception. When I visit, she pops up into my lap right off the bat. Alaska against my own better judgement i am going to to respond to this letter you sent to your daughter. i am sure she was just thrilled to hear that you are building a new relationship with your girlfriends youngest child.i am sure that it must feel great to have been replaced by someone else.dont you get it man?your kids may be putting on a brave face and yes they want to see both of their parents happy but you are going about it the wrong way.it is far to soon to be doing this kind of crap to your kids.it is just really cool how you want to be the hip dad but you also need to be a grown up and that means putting your happiness aside for a little while and let your own kids heal from the divorce.in all honesty you sound like you are having your own mini mlc. this is all about you and your feelings and your deserve to be happy and all of the other crap that we say on this board.nobody says you cant date. all i was saying is that your children need to come first.they do not want to hear about your girlfriends kids they want to hear that their dad will always be there for them and nobody can ever replace them that no matter what happens between mom and dad they will always be the number one relationship.
_________________________ EverHopeful 03/14/07 07:39 AM
HA, Thanks for coming back and for inviting your wife to join you. Somewhere along the line, please tell us how your kids faired with this situation, and how exactly your sitch worked itself out. Maybe I need a roadmap to help me see the forest for the trees. Funny HA, when you first post went up last year I thought that you were my H. We had has a major blow out the day before and I just felt by some of what you wrote that it was him. Given this Sunday's interaction with him and you posting, it seems like you and he share some sort of telepathy... are you his Corsican twin? Just kidding... welcome back and I look forward to seeing how this plays out and what advice you offer...maybe you can check out some of my old threads and give me some personalized advice. I would really appreciate it. *Ever*
_________________________ angelica 03/14/07 07:51 AM
HappyAgain, Thank you for coming back and posting - it is important that we all understand as much as we can about MLC. On the subject of being contentious - hmmmm. Well I just did a counselling course, because I have wanted to do it for a long time, and have now decided to go on and train further. One of the things that I have learnt is greater empathy for other people, and the concept of 'unconditional postive regard'. Which is looking at people and trying to understand why they are saying and doing the things that they are doing and NOT JUDGING THEM. It is pointless rebuking anyone [IMO] unless they already respect you, otherwise they reject the criticism, and acrimony sets in [sometimes it does even if they do respect you!!]. If we feel that someone is making a mistake, it is a tough call on whether to point it out to them. After all, as you know from MLC, how the MLCer reacts to any comment that can be construed as criticism . . .sadly the rest of us are not very keen on it either. Why not give your testimony, and give advice to those who are asking for it? Give us some do's and don't's You cannot validate what you don't agree with, but perhaps you could concentrate on people who are asking for advice - they don't have to take it, but perhaps they will decline it graciously, and explain why they think you are wrong [and we are none of us infallible] I hope I am not offending you, because, like many people who have been through a profound experience you have a wonderful wish to share, and also to help others to benefit from it. Sadly, not all people will listen, and perhaps also your own experience doesn't fit all circumstances, or they don't see it as relevant to their own circumstances? A
_________________________ mopsey821 03/14/07 08:30 AM
HappyAgain, It would be wonderful if you would post your experiences for us. Would you be able to link some of your past threads? Mopsey
_________________________ happy_again 03/14/07 08:35 AM
there is so much i want to say but have no idea where to begin.so things might be a little out of order but i will try to keep things into perspective. so much of what happened to me and the things that went on in my head i have yet to understand. it just seemed that i started feeling very dissatisfied with my life.so much responsibility to care for the wife and kids and mortgages and my company.i wanted some time just for myself without feeling pressured. when my dad died it was almost like something clicked in my head that i needed to act NOW. life was too short and this was going to have to be my time or else I was going to die young just like my dad without ever having done anything with my life.Allie is so sensible and she began to annoy me. the things she said would grate on my nerves.for some stupid reason she did make sense but this was not the time for making sense or for logic. i bought a condo without her knowing so I could have aplace to go and be alone.i needed my space without her frills and flowers everywhere.i began to go there to do my work but also began to sleep over at times.i never had a PA. i went to classmates.com and found some old high school friends. i also found my ex girlfriend from high school.we began emailing and then im-ing.it was all so superficial and so so so stupid.at first it was like we were back in high school catching up and talking about our mutual friends. then she began getting more personal and i trusted her. she was going through the same dissatisfaction in her life with her husband.we fed off of each others misery. and each time i would be at home i began to feel the need to get out as fast as i could.only my friend understood what i was going through. Allie was too preoccupied with the kids and the house to notice how miserable I was.or so i thought. looking back at everything i never gave Allie a chance to understand.i just assumed she wouldn;'t.like i said my wife is so sensible and predictable.she is a good woman and i don;t think i wanted her to tell me that i was being foolish or what i was doing was wrong. i made a huge mess of things by turning everything around in my head and i began blaming Allie for everything wrong in my life. i began to get nasty with her.find excuses to yell at the poor woman.every time my friend would piss me off I took it out on my wife. i couldnt let my friend know the [censored] in my head after all she thought i was a really nice guy and couldnt understand why Allie didn;t appreciate me or take the time to understand me. i lied and i can see how much worse i made things by making up excuses to call my friend just to have someone to talk to.my biggest regret is that I refused to let Allie into my life i didn;t want her to rearrange it but i did want her to understand it.
