I'm not afraid of the cracks in the crystal ball..

[beingreal]

Long time no post... Thanks PEI for the title of this thread (I'm a total copykitten) and for turning me onto that song. My motto as of late...

A few friends have not so gently reminded me that I really need to start posting again so I can better work through the changes that seem to be coming so quickly lately.

Last night True flat out said, "...you know, you sounded much better when you were posting." Okay dude, point taken. I'm here.

Let me see if I can update with the important aspects of the past few months.

You may want to get a cold drink & a snack, this might take a while...

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I had surgery in September, two of them actually. While I was off I didn't hear from H at all. Which was fine with me... he was helping with the kids since they went to live with my parents for almost a month while I recovered.

One day I got bored & decided to see if I could still log onto H's facebook account, and I could. I started looking around just because it was interesting... like watching a documentary about a foreign culture. I found the new girlfriend's picture, didn't bother me, I found things that he'd written about me, still didn't bother me. I was almost impressed with how okay I was.

Then I found the email he'd sent his GF. With the picture of me. 55 pounds ago, in a swimsuit at an indoor waterpark in late winter. I was devastated, mortified and absolutely furious. How could he do that? WHY would he do that?? It was from six months and 55 pounds earlier!!! It didn't look anything like me anymore!! I was so angry with him.

Then I just sat and stared at that picture for awhile. And stared. And stared. I felt my heart break and I cried. For her. Not for me, but for the woman in the picture. The woman I used to be. I had never really seen myself like that--and I am not just talking body size. I am talking about the whole thing. That smile on my face that hid absolute desperation. The body habitus that proved just how little I thought of myself. That picture wasn't me, I wasn't her, but I could feel everything she felt, every fear, every heartache, her soul slowly dying. I wasn't feeling sorry for myself, don't get me wrong. It wasn't a pity party. It was seeing for the first time someone who had been forgotten, neglected, emotionally and verbally abused and taken for granted by both people in her marriage, including me.

You know how some of those "Feed the Children"-like shows that follow a child around and then at the end, focus in their sweet little face as they tell you that they died shortly after filming? That gut wrenching pain that makes you feel angry and guilty because *someone* should have done something? (and ultimately makes you reach for your checkbook). It's like that... I could look at her & it just broke my heart.

She tried so hard, and for so long. She was broken and no one cared. She was at the end and no one cared. She wanted to literally die to escape, and no one cared. He had taken a vow, he was supposed to take care of her. Not make her happy, not supply her with her identity, just take care of her like he took care of himself. He was supposed to love her; he was supposed to cherish her. He did neither. He slowly destroyed her, even if he didn't realize it (although deep down I think he did), and she let him.

And then just like *that*... she was gone.

And replaced by me, who is not broken, not a victim, not willing to sacrifice herself for someone who so obviously didn't love her.

I started looking at the reasons I let him do that, at why I did that. I don't give a rat's ass why he did it--only why I let it happen. I will never let that happen again and my options in safeguarding myself are few. I can wall myself away, never let anyone get close to me & therefore never again be hurt, but that isn't really living.

Nope, I choose to use it to figure out why I let it happen so I don't repeat the same mistakes. I don't want to be alone, I don't want to keep people out. I want to share my life with people. This warrior princess refuses to pick up her armor or her sword again.

And FTR--I saved that picture to my hard drive. It will be my official *before* pic once I hit goal. ;o)

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And because being nosy is just part of who I am...

A couple of weeks later I "intercepted" an email H sent his female cousin--same thing, a different pic of the same day. This one didn't hurt even a little. The title of the email struck me, though. He had used my full name; first, middle, maiden & married. I just sat & stared. And stared. And stared.

He had spelled my middle name wrong.

Hand to God, he spelled my name wrong.

This one didn't make me cry. It didn't even make me angry. In all fairness, the women he sent these pictures to are not great beauties--they are probably just as big around as I was. Not slamming them at all, I really hope the GF is a nice woman, I've heard she is & if she sticks around I can only pray she will be good to my kids.

I do find it interesting, though, that every woman he chooses is a little bigger than the last, kwim? Like he is purposely picking women with damaged self esteem. Even if it's subconsciously, he's still doing it. (And don't give me an earful about people who are fat & happy--I will throw the bull$hit flag. I blamed my being 120 pound overweight on everything but the truth. I am just beginning to uncover the reasons why. But I digress and that's prolly another thread...)

My friends at work were shocked when I read something she wrote about being intimate with him and laughed right out loud. It was funny--she had meant it to be. People keep waiting for me to get upset that he's with someone else, but I've not even blinked an eye. I've known about her since August & I kept waiting to feel something, anything. I never did. Sex was never a problem for us, so I can promise you she had a good time. I still feel for her, though--she thinks she is getting a good guy.

Okay, I've digressed...again. The pictures, most likely sent because someone was having body issues of her own & he wanted to show that he was attracted to her--after all, here is what I was married to. Whatever. At this point he could post them on facebook for everyone to see because that just simply is not me anymore.

And that is my point in this particular part. Don't bother throwing any 2x4s for snooping, I am not sorry. I wouldn't suggest it for others, but I really think it was the best thing I could do. He doesn't know how to spell my name. That picture is not who I am now. Honestly, it's not who I was THEN. But he wouldn't know that because he didn't care who I was. He didn't see the woman in front of him, he didn't see the pain that he was causing. He didn't know me then, he doesn't know me know. And he doesn't care.

And after all this time, neither do I.

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The name thing has served me well, when I start to take things personally with him I just keep thinking, "he doesn't know how to spell your name, why do you care what he says about you?"

A few weeks after that revelation we were talking on the phone and he kept going on and on about what a good father & husband he was & how awful I was. I finally asked him to spell my name. "What???" "Just humor me, spell my middle name." After a back and forth of about six times he finally did, incorrectly. I pointed that out & he said, "so what?" "We were married for nine years and you don't know how to spell my name?" His answer?

"Well you never memorized my SSN!" *sigh* whatever. Somehow in his mind that is the same thing.

Later on in the conversation he struck another blow, "Well, maybe your next husband will know how to spell your name, or know what your favorite color is, or care what color your eyes are, because frankly, it never mattered to me."

Ouch. Sometimes it's fun to poke the bear, but this time the bear took a swipe I didn't see coming.

I don't think he was trying to be an a$$hat either. I lived with him & I know when he is trying to be hateful & when he's just being himself. I don't think he is lying--he just doesn't care. I lived with someone for all that time & doesn't care enough to know what color my eyes are. Wow. Again, not why didn't he care, but why did I think I didn't deserve any better?

I was watching Oprah the other day when Portia DeRossi & Ellen Degeneress were on & Ellen was talking about Portia's past & how painful it was to hear about it. She talked about not understanding how someone so wonderful couldn't see just how great she was & then went on & on about how beautiful and amazing she was. It was so sweet... I actually got a little teary eyed. Not because I was sad that H didn't feel that about me, not at all. I got emotional because I realized how much I wanted that & how much I was looking forward to having someone feel that way about me.

I have the opportunity to feel that again, I didn't have that seven months ago. My future consisted of a soul numbing pain and a lifetime of loneliness. I hadn't realized just how sad I was. I am so looking forward to my future. And no, I'm not in need of someone to tell me how wonderful I am--this isn't about external validation. I'm talking about someone taking the time to get to know me and falling in love again. Really falling in love again. It's exciting to think that it's just out there waiting for me...

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My future holds a few other new things that weren't there before. Like owning a home! We have been living in a condo for 4 years now. No yard for the kids to play, no kids that live nearby. It was just supposed to be until H finished college. Ha. So my parents decided that I needed a house of my own. Lol... they are basically giving me an advance on my inheritance & buying a house for me. I'm making all of the payments & it's staying in their name for awhile--but it's mine.

And it's beautiful!! I am so excited. They just finished the inspection, only a few minor things there, and I hope to be in the first part of December. I am so grateful & so excited that my babies have a huge fenced in yard to play in!! I am so incredibly blessed to have my parents helping me, you don't have to remind me. I would not be this far without them & I just cannot thank them enough.

I had asked H to help with the kids--he refuses to pay child support because he is in school (yeah, I know), so I asked him if he could take the kids for more than just 48 hours every other weekend so I could get a part time job. It doesn't matter why he can't pay, I still have bills to pay. He only goes to school two days a week, but he has refused to help. He won't even be watching them a little more. Nope. Not gonna do it.

Whatever--I got so annoyed with him. "I wish I could hid behind going to school! Hey, I should make going to school my second job!!!"

Hey... why can't I??

So I am. I'm looking into starting my online bachelor's course work in adult education so I can teach at the college. Any college actually, in my field. There aren't many people in my field who get their bachelor's degrees, and if they do, most of them are looking towards administrative positions. There aren't many who want to teach. But I like to teach when the students come to our hospital. And I've been told by several that I'm good at it, so it would be a good fit.

I figure I can either work my a$$ off for 18 months at a part time job & HOPE that H gets his crap together enough to help with the kids...

Or I can work my a$$ off for 18 months, have my degree, open a realm of opportunity that wasn't there before & never have to rely on H again.

If you know me AT ALL it was no surprise that I picked this path. lol

Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to school I go!

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And now for the bad part...

I called H yesterday to ask him about the car seat he had S3 in. S3 is 26 pounds, the older boys told me that he has him in a booster seat. He can't do that, it's not legal and it's NOT SAFE. They were right, he does--he started in on how difficult it was to put the big seat back together & the strap and blah blah blah... it doesn't matter, he needs to be in a safer seat.

I then reminded him that his few pieces of furniture are still here & although I don't mind them being here, I won't be taking them with me, so he'll have to make other arrangements sometime in the near future. More excuses, more "I don't have anyplace to put them!", more my just being mean. I told him that was fine, but if I moved them to the new house I would most likely be keeping them.

"What am I supposed to use when I get my own place!?!?!?"

"I don't know, H. Maybe you can use some of that money you aren't paying me."

And we were off. He just got his student loan check, he bought a new iPhone 4G & the contract that went with it and is looking at a new computer--but is still asking his 74 year old mother to use her only income of social security to by diapers.

He called me a bunch of names, told me I kept him from the kids (or I dumped the kids off on him, depending on which point he was trying to make), told me that I wasn't going to let him see them unless he paid (so not true--the kids are not pawns & he hasn't paid in almost seven months, why change now?).

I told him he could see the kids whenever he wanted, I'd even make arrangements to drop them off somewhere so he didn't have to come to the house (his biggest complaint). he just kept yelling that he hated me, he didn't want to see me, he didn't want to see them & he wasn't going to pay.

"Fine, then sign off on your parental rights, H & be done with it if that is what you want. You aren't paying ME, you are supposed to be taking care of them."

"Says who? Huh? Eff you, says who? I don't want to take care of them!"

Ten minutes later he calls me back & very calmly says that he is going to be signing off on the kids after all. It's what is best, he thinks. Apparently he's even broached the subject with my father, although my dad never told me that. I told him the decision was entirely his, but when anyone asked why I was going to tell them that Robbie didn't want to be a father.

"I hate you!!!"

"And I don't care, these are still your children."


A couple of hours later I called him to give him the opportunity to not do this. I understand that he was upset & we all say stuff when we are angry, and I know his being bipolar doesn't lend itself to rational decisions This was huge & I wanted him to think about it because he was going to regret it. "I probably will, but I don't care. I don't want to pay for them."

Wow. Then he added, "I got over SS (a child he raised for 5 years who was S9s age when H & his mom divorced), I'll get over these three, too."

Um, wow. So not even the same. He insists that he is walking away. Fine, but this is a choice you will make only once. If you walk away from them you never come back. They aren't toys, they aren't pawns, they are children and you will not destroy them to hurt me. There will be no in & out, back & forth like I see other men do. They are my first priority, you won't do this to them more than once.

He still walked away.

I am so upset for the boys, they didn't ask why they didn't go to daddy's this weekend and if they ever ask I only plan on telling them that daddy is "busy". Not that their daddy has a phenomenal level of dooshiness and has decided that he doesn't want to be a father anymore.

I talked to my SIL & my MIL today. My SIL has been a great support, she & H's brother are just shocked & sickened by what H has been doing for a very long time. I told them all that H's choices are his alone, I didn't make him do anything & I wasn't holding the kids for ransom (child support). I told them that his decision did not change the Rs they have with us and that they are always welcome in our lives & in our home. Always.

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Last night I was so hurt & upset, but like every other creepy thing he has done (whether I was to know about it or not), it's just made me that much stronger. Every time he tries to hurt me or the boys pushes me one step closer to that finish line.

Not that there is a magic goal, I have known for a very long time that there is no hope for our M, I stopped standing not long after I got here. Everything he does removes another layer of that veil that I'd been wearing for so long, every time I see the world before just that much clearer.

I told someone recently that I feel like I am standing on a cliff looking out over an incredible sky, an amazing world that stretches out before me and is all mine when I choose to reach out and take it. There is no looking back, the sun has set on that horizon. There is no looking down because I cannot fall, I can only fly.

Correction, I can only soar.

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If you aren't familiar with me or my story, I can tell you that I am not a good example of "standing" (still hate that term). But I am a helluva good example of GAL. lol Even with the ups and the downs and the revelations that leave me in tears & questioning my own strength, I know that this is mine. All of it. I own it. I control it. I can change it and I decide who is in it & who has power here.

I'll tell you what Mach1 told me right after I got here, "the answers are all inside of you".

He was right... the answers weren't just inside of me, the answers WERE me. Very Yoda-zen, I know, but so very true.

I'm sure the roller coater is not over, I know I will still have days when I just want to crawl into a ball & hide. But I know that I will get up.

Like last night... I had a lot of apologies from people over what H has decided but at the end of the day I ended up calling the friend from here *knowing* that he would be one of the few of my friends who would say, "...and? What are you going to do for you? What are you going to do for your boys? Huh?" Yep, that's why I called you guy... I needed the tough ones thrown at me. lol

So I'll stick around for a while yet because sympathy from the people *out there* is nice for a little while, but I really miss the people who care enough to ask the tough questions and will only accept the real answers.

I love you guys & I miss you guys.