Not sure where to start or end? WAW? #4

[john28]

Just a quick update on my sitch.

W has expressed again her desire to go to MC after the LS is completed. My IC / Our previous MC has decided it's not about getting a S anymore, it's all about her being able to stand on her feet on her own so she can decide to re-enter the R and M.

W is not completely shut down on me yet I suppose. I'm still out there GAL and detaching as best I can from the sitch.

After my epic hospital stay of 5 days W has seemed to be warm to me and seems to want to spend time with me. She invited me earlier in the week to a movie/dinner with S4 on Friday night and I accepted. We went out for quick dinner and a kid's movie. Had a good time.

It appears I'm being tested again, which is fine. She keeps testing me to see if I will "be a good man". Honestly, I've done some pretty sh!tty things to her throughout this separation in her mind. Some legitimate, some not. She has made it very clear that she doesn't like they way I treat her and that is the only reason she isn't willing to try for this M. Otherwise, "If you prove you are a good man we can talk about our R then."

It's a little hogwash, but partly true. I've come to realize I'm a pretty retaliatory person when I am hurt or perceive to be hurt. I've said some pretty awful things to her when letting my emotions run rampant.

That hasn't worked so far... shutting her out. It's probably because I am not successful at LOVINGLY detaching. I've either been hot or cold. All over the map and never consistent. I either shut her completely out and am somewhat cold, distant, angry and retaliatory against her... or I am pining away for her and asking her to come home.

It's all a learning process I suppose about what to do and what not to do. That's what DB is in my case. I have a W who is way out of wack emotionally and is not very mature. For some reason I am starting to believe that the fact that I do not DB properly (lovingly) combined with the fact she's a wild card all the time makes this incredibly hard for my sitch. But, maybe I'll learn something along the way.

She started saying ILY to me about a week ago, and has been saying it ever since. She hasn't said that in almost 2 months. I know I shouldn't take that with much but it does feel different.

I just need to get all of this legal crap out of the way. It really is what we've been fighting about this whole time, each of us trying to leverage emotions against each other so we can get the "best deal". Once that is out of the way there isn't much to hold over each other's head... which I'm definitely guilty of.

Throughout all of this I've discovered that I'm still not the person that I want to be. I am still manipulative in the fact that I use my financial position and business affluence to negotiate, sometimes unfairly, a deal between us when her stance most of the time has been that all she wants is to be able not to starve. A lot of you here will comment on that and say that I'm being manipulated myself. In reality, I'm the one trying to punish her still for leaving in any way I can, including trying to make her starve for this crap she's done. Legally, I can make that happen with no problem. But that doesn't make me a "good man", and shows her more of the same behavior pre-bomb. Selfishness, controlling, manipulation. And then I hide behind the law because it's OK for me to do so.

Regardless if that's legally OK to do or not, I don't think that is the man I want to be. I also don't want to be a doormat. But, I negotiate in my job for a living and always start from a very strong perspective. I'm good at it, too. My business practices which aren't practical for a personal relationship have bled into that part of my life and some is good - but not in this sitch. With me being as good as I am at what I do professionally, it has been overkill in a R. I've come to discover that about who I am. And, I don't like that.

I'll probably continue to be tested, and that is fine. I've failed almost every test along the way with the exception of last night with the dinner/movie. After the movie we all walked outside and she was carrying S4 to the car. It was very cold so I took off my pea-coat and put it over them. She resisted at first, but then S4 grabbed onto it and she pulled it closer over them. When she got into the car she took my coat and wrapped it around her. This may seem stupid to all of you, but this is very very unlike my W. She always refused gestures like this, especially as of late. Something about her wanting to feel independent and not needing me. After I dropped her off she thanked me for giving her my coat. That is highly unusual as well. She never says thankyou.

It may all seem small and petty to you here, but that's the man I want to be. That's the man I was before all this mess and before my W and I started having problems. I was a much better man then - I just lost my way.

Her car has been acting up lately and had to take it into the shop. Actually, it's my car pre-marital that she has... been having some problems as of late. I talked to her today about dropoff of S4 with me and she said that the car had been stalling again. I asked her to tell me what was going on, so she described the problems. I told her it sounded like the fuel injector had a problem.... and then she started to ask something and stopped. I told her to keep going - and she reluctantly said that she had done some googling and it might be the PCV valve. I told her that it wasn't a big thing to fix at all. She then asked if I could take a look at it, but then quickly changed her mind because "I have to be able to stand on my own two feet". I told her to drop the car off and I would take it today and tomorrow and fix it. It's at tops a 1 hour job anyways. I tried to take the lead, and it worked.

This is pretty big really. She doesn't want me to do anything ever because of this sitch. These small acts of being lead are pretty big for this sitch, and also a test for me.