I was waiting to start a new thread until I received the results of the fingerprint analysis, which I did a few days ago........but something more important happened recently that has caused a paradigm shift for me. I've taken XH off his pedestal.
Eric, CW, and MHL, thank you SO much for posting to me yesterday. Eric, .........that IS a catchy little tune, isn't it??????.......and CW, you are correct. These MCLers don't do ANYTHING quickly.
MHL, as always, you have given me much food for thought. You always have an interesting perspective on things. Do you ever think INSIDE the box?????? You said:
Originally Posted By: missherlove
Look if your XH wants to associate with people that are not a healthy influence in his life then that is HIS choice......At some point in the future this will come to head and YOU will be the one with a CHOICE. Do I want to be with someone who chooses to be around people that negatively impact their lives????
I have asked myself this many times over the past 2 years. When XH was acting like he was a crazed MCLer (until 2 months ago) it was easy to give him the benefit of the doubt, but he has been acting more like his normal self for the last 2 months so I have begun thinking that he has probably been stuck in replay since before I met him.....and I think his friendship with BMF is a big reason. As long as xH gets the pseudo-intimacy he enjoys with BMF he doesn't need to face his demons.
I think this post from happy_again sums up my impression of the effect that BMF has on XH:
Originally Posted By: happy_again
my ex girlfriend (substitute BMF here) from high school....was going through the same dissatisfaction in her life with her husband.we fed off of each others misery.and each time i would be at home i began to feel the need to get out as fast as i could.only my friend understood what i was going through. Allie (happy's W) was too preoccupied with the kids and the house to notice how miserable I was.or so i thought. looking back at everything i never gave Allie a chance to understand.i just assumed she wouldn;'t. .......... i can see how much worse i made things by making up excuses to call my friend just to have someone to talk to.my biggest regret is that I refused to let Allie into my life i didn;t want her to rearrange it but i did want her to understand it.
I've been thinking that as long as BMF maintains this intimate R with XH, that building any kind of healthy R with XH is impossible. When I received the anonymous package I saw identifying the sender (whom I really believe to be BMF) as a way to gauge whether XH's loyalty to him is blind. I decided to try to identify the sender for ME, to help me with this decision. If it was BMF and it didn't alter XH's opinion of BMF I would have my answer. Not necessarily a healthy way to look at this........just being honest.
I really HAVE been putting a lot of time and energy into things for myself. That's what the TT lessons and league, and brand new hybrid bike and biking club rides, spa treatments, dinner with friends, and home renovations (multiple projects) are all about..........I just don't post all the play-by-play here. As far as "chasing my dream".....I was fortunate to do work that I was extremely passionate about for 20 years. It allowed me to travel all over the world, meet interesting people, be respected by my peers, and contribute to society. It was immensely rewarding,........but the toll on my personal life became unacceptable. My work now is rewarding, but not sure whether it's in me to be that passionate about anything again.
As for addressing MY issues, since the bomb I have become more aware of my need to slow down my schedule (de-stress) and have really been working on becoming less of a distancer. I've pulled myself up by the bootstraps without assistance a number of times in the past (at one point in my life I only had $10 to my name and a small house in a bad part of town). As a result I am very strong, independent, and self-sufficient so it is very easy for me to pull away from difficult interpersonal situations thinking "I don't need this aggravation". I am trying really hard to change this personal attribute.
So.........this post isn't very entertaining, but I DID want to address many of the excellent points you made. (I imagine the 2 x 4's have started warming up long before now.) Please be assured how VERY much I value everyone's feedback...and MHL, you give me a lot to think about. Receiving everyone's feedback in this way provides a real opportunity for growth and I thank you all!
You said:
