I want to say I'm still reading but very, very involved with the D process and haven't posted much lately.
hey lauraoh. i read your latest post. it's nice to see you are having fun while going through the d-process. i think you definitely are the model of "expect the worst, hope for the best". i mean that in a good way.
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I am completely FASCINATED by the recent posts here--so much GOOD GOOD STUFF!!! I am thinking about how our deepest fears can be brought to fruition by US!
yes, i've discovered some things about myself as well. i look back and i see a lot of that. and much of it was my own doing. shall i peel a layer off this onion? here it goes ..
i has to do with the way i see and value myself. for example, i would say to my stbxh "i'm really just preparing you for your next real wife." he would frown at that statement because he viewed it as me calling him 'unfaithful' or a 'cheater' which he hated - obviously, because it's an attack on his character. the way i saw it was that i'm not good enough for someone of his status. sometimes i didn't even know why he was attracted to me. i was totally plain jane. this thinking is due to middle-child syndrome. i'm not the oldest or the youngest. so to stand out as a child, i strived to be the smartest. you see where my "i am right" attitude comes from? because in order to stand out, i was the smartest and the smartest is always right (we can debate this but for simplicity sake, just go with it for now).
being plain jane, you don't know what is so special about yourself. and that's how i see myself. there's nothing unique or attractive about me. i don't dress unique. i don't look unique. i am just an ordinary girl. i have a college education - just like everyone else. i have a job, like everyone else. i play a sport - like everyone else. i cook, i sleep, i shower - just like everyone else. i'm no better than anybody else. why would anybody choose me? i used to think that my h was the best thing on earth. he was physically attractive, he was smart, he was well educated, and at the time, he came from a good family, same morals. the family part unravelled after we got engaged but i digress. i don't know if that part is important so i'll leave it out for now.
but he was way too good for me. he would tell me that i was attractive or that i was everything he was looking for. he was in love with me before he even knew it himself. to me, it was nice to hear but also so much pressure - there's that negative view again. i still didn't have the confidence that i would be able to keep him interested in me. it's my abandonment issue. i'm trying to figure out where the abandonment issue is coming from. my parents are still together. my father didn't abandon us. my mother was always there. i don't remember when there was a particular time when someone left me and i was devastated. my stbxh was my first love. my first dumping. so i'm really struggling with figuring out the root to my abandonment issue. i don't doubt that it is a problem but maybe i'm not looking in the right area for the answer?
geez, looking back at this post, i'm all over the place - this is why i hate peeling the onion. it's disorganized ramblings.
when i spoke of the posters abandoning me here, i'm talking about posters who post once and then disappear. early on in my first thread, there were posters who posted once and then never came back. i prefer to work with someone in the long run so i don't have to regurgitate my story from the beginning.
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I only wish I had some of this kind of advice over on my thread--I hope you are realizing what a gift it is!!
i do. to be honest, i have been receiving some good guidance from vets and they truly have helped me. i'm guilty of not posting consistently. which is why you only see bits and pieces.
update: the latest on our SA is that we are still far apart on some items. my atty made a glaring calculation error and i just discovered it last night. i'm not happy with the sloppy calculations but i should have looked it over more carefully.
h is still extremely angry. we are still in NC. but his response to our SA proposal let me know that there was no salvaging of this marriage.
despite reading the books, i still get sucked into the wayward bs. the vets tell me .. it's wayward script so don't take it literally. but i get sucked into it .. and i never thought of myself as a "words of affirmation" person but i'm starting to think that maybe i am. otherwise, the wayward script would roll off like water on a duck's back. the words from the script have a huge affect on me. i also use words to hurt him because it's likely my main LL. i always thought my main LL was QT and PT. but i think WOA is up there.
