MLC or just an EA?

[angel61]

Dear all,

I read so much of your stories, and one things that really grabs me is that the words used, the reactions, they are all just the same.Humand seem to be just like Pavolv's dogs, reacting in much the same way to stimuli.
Here is my story:
We are both from outside the US, migrated here 10 years ago, are very educated professionals, and from the outside, the perfect success story. Beautiful house in good neighborhood, Smart, straight A D11 in private school, travel round the world for work and pleasure.And so I thought, for 12 years.
Until last July when H dropped the bomb. He wanted to leave me, said he was unhappy for years, could not fulfill my demands for affection(he never was really affectionate in our M but was always very caring, a hands on dad, shared with the chores). Just like all other posts, he seemed to think our whole life together was terrible. I was shocked, devastated to the core. I did all that was described here: got angry, begged, pleaded, wrote letters, showed him our smiling pictures, asked why he never told me to give me a chance to change. All he said was that there was no going back. However, he compromised and agreed that we should stay together for D's sake, at least until after she finished HS.
I was sure there was a third party, as I had met a friend he treated special a month prior to this, and had been jealous of (I normally never am jealous, as he has tons of lady friends).I was sure he would not think of leaving unless there was a trigger. He denied to death.
Long story short, he did have an attraction to this girl. He texted her to death, called her, etc. I found out through some scribbles of his on a notebook, where he was wondering if it would be more painful to leave us versus not pursue the girl. I got him to admit, but he said that for sure, this would die a natural death because the girl did not like him. However, he went on with is pursuit of the OW.
Slowly, our R deteriorated. It was just like all others here - All my actions made him feel pressured. I tried doing what he asked me to- give him space, but could not do it completely. Luckily, this October I found Michele's book and started applying DB techniques.
I did find that it created more peace around the house, but still, the EA became deeper. The OW started responding to him and sending loving texts in return. He became distant, many times threatened to leave, and just stayed because I would point out logically that with both our busy schedules and work travels, it would be so hard on our D.
He himself started thinking he is in MLC. He has this thing about his age, wanting to look younger, is now going to gym, lost 20 lbs, building up his muscle, started buying nice, expensive clothes (he used to like clothes in his younger days but durin ourmarriage, we both became too comfortable, gained weight and started caring less. I must add though we both are good looking and anyone who meets our family, they always comment on what an exceptionally good looking family we are). Note though that the OW is 13 years younger than him and is very wealthy, and wears designer clothes, and is also of the same educationa level as we are (doctorates), only in an earlier phase.
Following DB advice, I gave him his freedom, and told him I trusted him to make decisions not detrimental to us. he has followed through with being there for us, and if not for the fact that he spends more time outside of the house now compared to before, we still act married, and he does all his chores and obligations. Inside though, I know it is all hollow, and I cry all the time when he is not around, because I see our dreams of being together forever shattered. I am walking on eggshells, any mention of my being needy makes him want to leave, he even wanted to talk to our D one time about it, but I could not bear the thought of hurting our D, so I begged him and that stopped him, again.
Last week though, there was some change. he talked to me, said that OW is starting to feel guilty, and that she did not want to break apart our family. No wonder, for around two weeks now I was having that feeling that she was pulling away. I noticed though that instead of him being sad, he seemed relieved and actually has started to act more settled, and less jumpy.
I take that as a good sign!
It makes me wonder though - will this hold? How do I approach this? I have a feeling I have to be very cautious or else I could blow the positive changes! Anyone out there who can give me tips? Do I approcah this as an MLC or just an EA that is hopefully starting to take a turn that is more on my side? Should I try to talk to the OW, as she seems like a decent person, and I actually know her and if she were not the OW would have liked her?
Thanks!

Angel61

H=44
W=49
D=11
Bomb - first week July
EA started approx June
OW=31