MLC or just an EA?

[angel61]

Dear all,

I read so much of your stories, and one things that really grabs me is that the words used, the reactions, they are all just the same.Humand seem to be just like Pavolv's dogs, reacting in much the same way to stimuli.
Here is my story:
We are both from outside the US, migrated here 10 years ago, are very educated professionals, and from the outside, the perfect success story. Beautiful house in good neighborhood, Smart, straight A D11 in private school, travel round the world for work and pleasure.And so I thought, for 12 years.
Until last July when H dropped the bomb. He wanted to leave me, said he was unhappy for years, could not fulfill my demands for affection(he never was really affectionate in our M but was always very caring, a hands on dad, shared with the chores). Just like all other posts, he seemed to think our whole life together was terrible. I was shocked, devastated to the core. I did all that was described here: got angry, begged, pleaded, wrote letters, showed him our smiling pictures, asked why he never told me to give me a chance to change. All he said was that there was no going back. However, he compromised and agreed that we should stay together for D's sake, at least until after she finished HS.
I was sure there was a third party, as I had met a friend he treated special a month prior to this, and had been jealous of (I normally never am jealous, as he has tons of lady friends).I was sure he would not think of leaving unless there was a trigger. He denied to death.
Long story short, he did have an attraction to this girl. He texted her to death, called her, etc. I found out through some scribbles of his on a notebook, where he was wondering if it would be more painful to leave us versus not pursue the girl. I got him to admit, but he said that for sure, this would die a natural death because the girl did not like him. However, he went on with is pursuit of the OW.
Slowly, our R deteriorated. It was just like all others here - All my actions made him feel pressured. I tried doing what he asked me to- give him space, but could not do it completely. Luckily, this October I found Michele's book and started applying DB techniques.
I did find that it created more peace around the house, but still, the EA became deeper. The OW started responding to him and sending loving texts in return. He became distant, many times threatened to leave, and just stayed because I would point out logically that with both our busy schedules and work travels, it would be so hard on our D.
He himself started thinking he is in MLC. He has this thing about his age, wanting to look younger, is now going to gym, lost 20 lbs, building up his muscle, started buying nice, expensive clothes (he used to like clothes in his younger days but durin ourmarriage, we both became too comfortable, gained weight and started caring less. I must add though we both are good looking and anyone who meets our family, they always comment on what an exceptionally good looking family we are). Note though that the OW is 13 years younger than him and is very wealthy, and wears designer clothes, and is also of the same educationa level as we are (doctorates), only in an earlier phase.
Following DB advice, I gave him his freedom, and told him I trusted him to make decisions not detrimental to us. he has followed through with being there for us, and if not for the fact that he spends more time outside of the house now compared to before, we still act married, and he does all his chores and obligations. Inside though, I know it is all hollow, and I cry all the time when he is not around, because I see our dreams of being together forever shattered. I am walking on eggshells, any mention of my being needy makes him want to leave, he even wanted to talk to our D one time about it, but I could not bear the thought of hurting our D, so I begged him and that stopped him, again.
Last week though, there was some change. he talked to me, said that OW is starting to feel guilty, and that she did not want to break apart our family. No wonder, for around two weeks now I was having that feeling that she was pulling away. I noticed though that instead of him being sad, he seemed relieved and actually has started to act more settled, and less jumpy.
I take that as a good sign!
It makes me wonder though - will this hold? How do I approach this? I have a feeling I have to be very cautious or else I could blow the positive changes! Anyone out there who can give me tips? Do I approcah this as an MLC or just an EA that is hopefully starting to take a turn that is more on my side? Should I try to talk to the OW, as she seems like a decent person, and I actually know her and if she were not the OW would have liked her?
Thanks!

Angel61

H=44
W=49
D=11
Bomb - first week July
EA started approx June
OW=31

[pinhead]

You have given him carte blanche to have an affair. And don't minimize it as "only" an EA. Pinhead has a rule of thumb when it comes to marital problems:

If you don't think there's someone else involved, there probably is.

If you think they're only friends, they're probably an EA.

If you think it's just an EA, it's probably progressed to a PA.

[angel61]

Pinhead,
That's what I am thinking too, how do I start setting boundaries? I agreed on freedom because of the DB techniques saying don't ask about R, don't ask about OW, don't talk about the M, just let it be, and he will come to his snese one day when you make your home as happy nd comfortable, a plae to go home to.
It says its not about you, its them/

What do I do?

[pinhead]

Do you want to live in an open marriage? That's a rhetorical question, but some people actually don't mind that type of arrangement. If you're one of the 90% or more who prefer monogamous marriages, expect monogamy and accept nothing less than monogamy.

"Husband, I will not live in an open marriage. Either you stop all contact with EVILWENCH immediately, agree to a transparency plan so I can feel safe, or you move out. I'll help you pack your things if that's the case."

Then stick with what you just told him.

[angel61]

Of course I don't want an open marriage, but I do want to save my marriage.I do not want D, I also have religious reasons.Should not come from me.
I feel like I am not ready for the ultimatum, and neither is he. If he is in MLC, which I suspect may be the case, then he might be still illogical. I am scared to apply pressure.
As of now anyways, it seems like the OW has backed off and is not too responsive anymore, and has been just offering friendship to him.
A reprieve? A chance for him to think? I hope. I feel like I have to be really careful these next few weeks.

[angel61]

I have a question: How can I detach if we are living together? I did tell him that if not for D11, I would gladly agree to an S. He has not pushed the issue, I think he sort of used it to get what he wanted from me, but when I said I am actually willing to do it, he hasn't mentioned it since then.

My therapist said that I should listen to what he doesn't say. If he wanted to leave, no amount of persuasion would stop him. The fact that he has not left means something.







OW has given him a yellow light -

[soleil]

Explain "yellow light"...?

[gr8 day 2B alive]

How can I detach if we are living together?

The same way you would if H was living there.
GAL, new hobbies. Let H know you have plans tonight and he needs to be home with S. Be mysterious.
Do what would be expected of you if H wasn't living there.

Do your own wash. Make dinner for yourself(and S of course).
Speak to him only when he initiates convo or if it's about S11.

[InAPickle]

Angel, I'm going thru the same thing.
Don't be rushed into the the "After the LRT" (DR Page 218) if you are not ready for D. Everybody's been telling us to drop "ultimatum" bomb on spouse. But they don't know you and they certainly don't know your spouse.
Only my coach knows from our sessions what kind of persons we are and what the best strategy is.

My coach advised me on how to approach this moral dilemma"
Should I put my foot down and break my kid's hearts and really make myself unattractive to W, perhaps doing irreparable damage to the possibility of reconciliation, or should I remain married to a spouse who is actively seeking the affections of anOP?
I will not ruin my children's psychological, emotional and spiritual development in a hasty act of defiance. S11 is at a very vulnerable age, and I will do whatever is best for him in my own judgment.

I don't know about your spouse, but mine for as long as I've known her is a good person and a moral person - truly never a wandering eye until now. Obviously I myself have been guilty of not meeting her needs. I just told her that and told her that she is the primary role model for D16 as wife and mother. D16 is gonna find out one day, so she will have to live with that. I told her that what she is involved in is so out of character that my only conclusion is that she has taken leave of her senses and is out of her mind.

I can handle the craziness of all this and keep my wits about me, knowing in my heart of hearts this W is not the person I married. I will give the DB techniques the time they need to bring that person back, and will not give up on my M unless all hope becomes lost. Coach has been pretty much on target so far, so I recommend you get some coaching yourself. What you're getting in this forum is way, way heavy on the hard line stuff and neither of us is as far removed from Bomb day to be ready for that approach.

[Starsky309]

I just told her that and told her that she is the primary role model for D16 as wife and mother. D16 is gonna find out one day, so she will have to live with that.

Sadly, so will your D16.