cheated on, lied to, and now I am moving on

[awest1217]

CTH - I have hope, but at the same time I also believe there wasn't any love at all. I truly believe I was just part of his codependence. He needed me to help him, and that was it. When he couldn't see me in high school, he would break down crying because he needed me. When I was the one who would try to break up with him because of another girl, he would go into full out begging and pleading and would promise to change, but he needed help. I would try to help and it just wouldn't last. He needed me to help him for some reason. I think because I was his stability, which is why he is still attached to me, but did he ever love me really, I doubt it. What is getting me right now is that I would try on numerous occasions to break up with him and move on because he wasn't ready to move to the next level (marriage) like I was, but he kept saying he wanted it. Really, like now, he just was controlling me, and didn't want me to be with anyone else. I really feel he only says stuff to me because he wants to still have that connection and not let anyone else have it. He may get the latter due to me not having any options, but the first I won't let happen.

As for talking, we still talk about S no problem. I should say text because that is all H has done since he left, but many times we will talk on the phone or in person and it isn't too bad. I did notice last night that H was very uncomfortable because he doesn't know how to be a parent without trying to be more with me. I told him when he first left that if we D'd, we would NOT be friends, and I am sticking to that. He treats me like the people he can't stand and are his friends. He contacts me when he is upset and that is it. Sorry, but that is not a good friend, and not someone I want as a friend. Last night we discussed Thanksgiving and I asked a few other questions.

Today I am going to try to rake the leaves, but it may be postponed due to snow. I love the first snow, but I need to get the leaves raked and there are still a ton not down yet so I need to get those raked as well before the big stuff hits. Hopefully I will get to shop. I need to grocery shop and also get some cold weather stuff like boots for S, a new hat and gloves for me because when I put mine on yesterday...they had holes. I also need to sort H's cold weather stuff and put it together in his many boxes. Then a birthday dinner for my little sister. She is turning 22 and may get proposed to soon...happy for her, but sad at the same time. She won't be getting married for at least two years because both her and her boyfriend are immature and not financially ready to get married. He doesn't have a job and can't hold one. Sis is starting school in January for massage therapy, and won't finish until next October. Sis is sad that S can't come to her dinner, but the joys of D...it affects everyone. Her birthday is actually tomorrow so she will see him then, and may come over for dinner at my house.

Off to eat breakfast...bundle up (it is 28 here) and rake...FUN!!! NOT!!!