This is the next post that I saved. Based on the lapse in the dates, I think that I am missing some posts in between. If anyone has them, please post them.
happy_again: I am still running in the other direction _________________________ Becca1975 02/08/06 10:37 AM
I absolutely agree. This is a window into the souls of WAS's. I am actually shocked that you are/were feeling things that fall right in line with DBing. I mean, there is always this shred of doubt when we go through these processes. Maybe he isn't really thinking about me. Maybe he doesn't really miss me. He won't even notice the changes I've made. I think someone should take this stuff and put it in a special section for all to read.
_________________________ shocked_and_alone 02/08/06 10:46 AM
FF not sure what makes F&H and I the worst cases, ie what we were left (ie 8 kids) with or what our Hs are doing. Sorry that our stiches added to your anger, I guess I would like to know why. I understand too close to home but specifics? I guess b/c F&H and I seem so different in stich. I would welcome encourgement from you but only if sincere. If all you see is negative, I am fine with you being honest, just try to be kind. I know you are not your husband If I could have half the in depth coversations with him as I have on this board, we would be fine. We can talk about me on my stich if you are interested.
Quote: Then I would call my wife and yell at her for making my life miserable because I needed OW to think the best of me because I didn't have anyone else
I know that you have now been asked off of F&H's thread. And I know that you are not her H. Putting aside the above too close to home comments and such. This is probably close to word for word something that F&H told me about her H. You may want to reconcile with F&H, she may need to detach more, but she can also be a hugh insight for you.
_________________________ Truelove 02/08/06 10:51 AM
finally_free Thanks for posting on my thread. I left an answer for you on it. Truelove
_________________________ happy_again 02/08/06 10:59 AM
The situation you were both left in is really bad and both of you are too accomodating to your husbands. Let him be a man and do his job. Stop doing it for him and bailing him out where is your self respect? Stop being such an f-ing doormat. I did the same thing because I knew how desperate she was that she would never say NO to me. But she did and she stood firm and I hated her for it but I respected her. She made me stand up and take notice. She in some ways made me feel like a man again and she was also the one who took away my manhood, does any of this make sense to you?
I attempted to post a reply about an hour ago, but the computer decided to shut down. I am back on with self respect, admittedly he took that for a bit. I shouldn't even say 'took' actually, his conduct caused me to lose sight of me. So, self respect and self development is where I am going. I am on the road to cutting the apron strings. I just have a few things that I am letting him call the shots on, and my reasoning is not b/c I am desperate, it is b/c I am not going to be blamed. I am letting him either rise up to his responsiblities or fail on his own. He could very well find a way to blame me anyway, but I trying to minimize those excuses. This is not about saying no, this is about things that he needs to take care of or say that he's not going to. In my case its not about saying no, b/c he just presumes, doesn't ask. So I am left to point out his "using" behavior and to tell him to stop. Fun! Re: Manhood, yes it absolutely makes sense. I feel as though in some respects I became the serrogate mom.
Hi ff; i decided to check & see who you were since you a mere newbie decided to post such negativity on my thread in reading this thread I can definately see a pattern on your part of negativity & hostility i see alot of anger, venom & blame being tossed around but very little positive changes on your part nice that you got to this website from checking out your wife's book the question right now is...
have you bothered to pick up & actually read & learn from any of the many books which are listed on this website? have you even bothered to get for yourself & READ the book divorce remedy? i would suggest that you get both michelle's video called the marriage breakthough & her keeping love alive tapes You are obviously in Mid Life Crisis yourself which explains your anger & confusion Have you bothered to get the book Men In MidLife Crisis the book will help to explain to you from a man's point of view what mlc is & what to expect Are you going to counseling to work on your issues? what positive changes are you making so that your marriage will be better? what i see here is alot of blaming & anger & you seem to like to spread your anger around by making cutting posts on threads but offering no advice & obviously not knowing the entire history of the posters & how far they've come vs where they were when they 1st got here to the board you like to focus on issues which takes away from the true issues which you are having to deal with you put down those who've been here longer than you & who are in fact making progresses but you seem to lack the will power to actually work on your marriage by showing here what steps you are making to improve yourself & your marriage in the past there have been couples who used the board to help their relationship with both the wife & the husband posting on a joint thread together as well as seperately but you are obviously not trying to do that if you are truely committed to going back to your wife & family then go to counseling where the 2 of you can work on your issues together then it should be easy to make a better marriage for both of you have you bothered to buy the book his needs her needs? how a husband who walked away came back to his wife & family i'd suggest that you pick up a copy of the following & read & do the assignments in the books: the power of a praying husband book & studyguide the 5 love languages he also has a book called hope for the seperated i'd suggest you pick up & read boundaries book & work book there is also have a book called boundaries in marriage with a work book as well for your manhood issues to help heal the hurts you are so obviously feeling... i suggest you pick up a copy of the book wild at heart along with it's feild manual also along with the same theme is the book & tapes He-Motions Quote: The relationship didn't last very long and part of the reason was because my wife interfered in that. OK here's proof that love must be tough) & (his needs her needs) are correct in confronting & not standing for the affair does in fact work But also the OW showed who she really was and even though I would vent to her about my wife it upset me when she would put my wife down I felt like I needed to defend her and OW would get angry with me. classic finding out that the grass wasn't greener again take heart women - see just like some said prodigals do think of us often Then I would call my wife and yell at her for making my life miserable classic example of MLCer blaming the wife for everything wrong in his life remember to not take personally everything which comes out of the prodigals mouth even michelle pointed out believe little of what they say & only 1/2 of what they do because I needed OW to think the best of me because I didn't have anyone else. again proof again that what is being said is correct in that the OW is like a drug which MLCer has an addiction to & clings to OW in desperation also proof that don harvey's book when the one you love wants to leave rings true... it is very important to know the true reasons as to WHY the WAS is looking to come home make sure the WAS has the right motivation to return & fully ready to commit to the marriage just because he wants to go home isn't grounds for simply saying yes it's ok if as in this case ff on this thread at least has shown... he's unwilling to accept responsibilty for his contribution to the problems doesn't appear to be showing genuine remorse for his actions doesn't seem to be willing to deal with the issues for the marital problems doesn't appear to be asking for forgiveness for his actions rather ff is still blaming everything on his wife and anyone else way too much anger which isn't being addressed in a positive manner he hasn't truely resolved his motivation for leaving - see pg 149 of when the one you love wants to leave by dr don harvey - ff is classic "i'm home but I don't want to talk about it" FF - if you choose to answer this post do so here on your thread keep your negativity here i only want PIMPs on my thread Positive Individuals Making Progress
WOW!! You really have done your homework and you are not going to get me to respond in a negative way to your diatribe. Something tells me the woman doth protest too much. I admit that when I began posting here it was because I had many issues that needed to be dealt with, and I am still working on them. I am making steps forward to my family. I am not going to pretend that my wife was perfect and I was the [censored]. She had many issues throughout our marriage that she refused to acknowledge. And yes she has changed alot but I am still cautious as I do not want to go back the darkness. And just for your information I am seriously considering asking my wife if she would like to go to marriage councelling with me to see if there is anything that we can salvage from the wreckage. I am not going around spreading my negativity anymore and I am sorry if you feel that way. You admit yourself on your posts that you are unhappy but why are you unhappy really? You also have alot of anger and hostility about the situation you are in. A situation you have no control over a situation you have chosen to accept. We could work together if you like I think we are both on opposite sides of the coin.
Sheez! Can ya both step to your own corner of the ring! This ain't DB behavior FF, I do see a lot of your points. I'm D now for 3 years but you are making quite a bit of sense. Lots of history here, ain't going into it. But I do "see" the idea where you're unhappy and wanted to work on it. Mistakes? Sure, we all made 'em. And acknowledge them. And honestly, think you're working on it. I really do think you are making this point: Boundaries are all good and fine, but if a spouse senses that you are too needy or demanding...ain't gonna work. KNow it doesn't for me. You know, I lost my house and all of my retirement funds in my D. My ex was an addict and big time MLCer. How I responded to that will make me happy or not. He became terribly needy, I suspect so did I. That co-dependency doesn't work. When a spouse senses all you want is financial support out of them and you demand to hold an M together based on that, that creates a lot of resentment. I'm actually much happier now, broke and struggling financially to put my own business together, than I had ever been in the last five years of my M. I'm not supporting divorce or marriage here. What I am saying is that a lack of self-respect, lack of selfesteem, and lack of personal initiative really will damage an M. Good luck to ya. I hope that you find the "right" decision here. I only stopped by to acknowledge I really do "see" some points here, not to bash either of you. I think anyone on this board should be respected, regardless of the circumstances they came here under. You come because you are seeking solutiosn to your marriage problems, not to be self-righteous or argue or have the "one" answer.
Finally Free, I don't know much of your sitch as I've only skimmed your threads. And I haven't read much of what others have said because, honestly, you seem to have started an utter stampede of posts that I just can't keep up with. Why does everyone want to read what you have to say? Why does everyone seem to want to post and post and post to you? As for me, I have to say you intrigue me. And it seems that a lot of women see their WAH in you and are spilling out onto your thread all the hurt and pain they have wanted to say to their H's but have been holding back. You seem to be the DB scapegoat. You are the WAH. We all want to know what you're thinking, feeling, believing, doing because it gives us insight into what our own H's are thinking, feeling, believing, doing. You're going through a lot right now. If you are actually in MLC, I can understand a lot of your responses because as we all know from the stages, Anger is prevalent as well as Depression. We LBS's should know that better than anyone as we've all studied and studied the stages as if we have to pass a test before our H's come home. And all of us LBS's are in a world of hurt right now because we've been betrayed, abandoned, and hurt to the core. So this meeting of the minds has resulted in a lot of clashing, angry, hurtful banter. But this can be good! We can learn so much from each other. I know if I ranted and raved at my WAH, he would fly off the handle on me too. If I'm kind, he is kind. Finally Free, I think some of your earlier posts have caused you to be labeled a bad boy, so now everyone is on the defensive, taking out all of their anger on each other. As I've perused your posts, I've noticed you changing. Do you see it? You are kinder, more willing to open up, thinking about reconciliation with your wife and how that will work. You, Finally Free, are an inspiration. You give me hope. From the first posts where you talked about just being happy you were away from your wife to now talking about going to marriage counseling. I think your wife is very lucky. You are working on yourself and your M. You are lucky too because she seems to be doing the same thing. I know you are scared and don't want to go back to the same dismal M you had before. So take it slow. Try that marriage counseling. Remember, you don't have to jump right in as if nothing has changed. Date each other a bit. Test the waters. Have fun with each other. Talk things out and see if you are both on the same page. Just give it a try and see what happens. I'm excited for you and your W. I'm excited for the rest of us and the possibility that our H's will turn back to us for a second shot at it. And let's all try to be nice to each other. We're all in the same boat - even if we're on the other side of the paddle. We all are here to try to make our M's work. We need to support each other and learn from each other. Not respecting others' opinions only leads to negativity - and I don't know about everyone else, but that is part of the reason why I'm in this mess. I didn't do enough respecting where my H was concerned. Finally Free, you have helped me realize that even more. I thank you for that. Here's to hoping that we all will be out of the woods soon enough! Smiles, Avalon
_________________________ JT71 02/09/06 10:20 PM
Hear Hear!!
Last edited by job; 09/26/1606:18 AM. Reason: Removal of link to another site.
