Happy, I am not trying to control him? I need to move forward with my life in some way, and needed to know where he was. I needed to choose a path, stay or go. Maybe I'm starting to have my own MLC, but I feel like there is a lot of life to live, and I'm stuck.
I am not pushing him back into the relationship. Since finding out about him dating, i said i just want to be friends. I told him that yesterday, becuase as Punkin truly predicted, a bit of anger set in.
He says there is currently no OW. And that the dates were him 'acting out'
Working on myself, I've become very independent now, and gained patience liike never before. Grown closer to friends and family. Learned things about how men and woman are completely different and have different needs. I've regained my old self back, no longer 'under his thumb'. I have learned that i am not as fragile as i thought and can probably withstand an atomic bomb.
I have understanding and forgiveness and patience like i never thought I had.
I have learned not to supress my needs for the sake of staying in a relationship.
This is the next post that I saved. Based on the lapse in the dates, I think that I am missing some posts in between. If anyone has them, please post them.
happy_again: I am still running in the other direction _________________________ Becca1975 02/08/06 10:37 AM
I absolutely agree. This is a window into the souls of WAS's. I am actually shocked that you are/were feeling things that fall right in line with DBing. I mean, there is always this shred of doubt when we go through these processes. Maybe he isn't really thinking about me. Maybe he doesn't really miss me. He won't even notice the changes I've made. I think someone should take this stuff and put it in a special section for all to read.
_________________________ shocked_and_alone 02/08/06 10:46 AM
FF not sure what makes F&H and I the worst cases, ie what we were left (ie 8 kids) with or what our Hs are doing. Sorry that our stiches added to your anger, I guess I would like to know why. I understand too close to home but specifics? I guess b/c F&H and I seem so different in stich. I would welcome encourgement from you but only if sincere. If all you see is negative, I am fine with you being honest, just try to be kind. I know you are not your husband If I could have half the in depth coversations with him as I have on this board, we would be fine. We can talk about me on my stich if you are interested.
Quote: Then I would call my wife and yell at her for making my life miserable because I needed OW to think the best of me because I didn't have anyone else
I know that you have now been asked off of F&H's thread. And I know that you are not her H. Putting aside the above too close to home comments and such. This is probably close to word for word something that F&H told me about her H. You may want to reconcile with F&H, she may need to detach more, but she can also be a hugh insight for you.
_________________________ Truelove 02/08/06 10:51 AM
finally_free Thanks for posting on my thread. I left an answer for you on it. Truelove
_________________________ happy_again 02/08/06 10:59 AM
The situation you were both left in is really bad and both of you are too accomodating to your husbands. Let him be a man and do his job. Stop doing it for him and bailing him out where is your self respect? Stop being such an f-ing doormat. I did the same thing because I knew how desperate she was that she would never say NO to me. But she did and she stood firm and I hated her for it but I respected her. She made me stand up and take notice. She in some ways made me feel like a man again and she was also the one who took away my manhood, does any of this make sense to you?
I attempted to post a reply about an hour ago, but the computer decided to shut down. I am back on with self respect, admittedly he took that for a bit. I shouldn't even say 'took' actually, his conduct caused me to lose sight of me. So, self respect and self development is where I am going. I am on the road to cutting the apron strings. I just have a few things that I am letting him call the shots on, and my reasoning is not b/c I am desperate, it is b/c I am not going to be blamed. I am letting him either rise up to his responsiblities or fail on his own. He could very well find a way to blame me anyway, but I trying to minimize those excuses. This is not about saying no, this is about things that he needs to take care of or say that he's not going to. In my case its not about saying no, b/c he just presumes, doesn't ask. So I am left to point out his "using" behavior and to tell him to stop. Fun! Re: Manhood, yes it absolutely makes sense. I feel as though in some respects I became the serrogate mom.
Hi ff; i decided to check & see who you were since you a mere newbie decided to post such negativity on my thread in reading this thread I can definately see a pattern on your part of negativity & hostility i see alot of anger, venom & blame being tossed around but very little positive changes on your part nice that you got to this website from checking out your wife's book the question right now is...
have you bothered to pick up & actually read & learn from any of the many books which are listed on this website? have you even bothered to get for yourself & READ the book divorce remedy? i would suggest that you get both michelle's video called the marriage breakthough & her keeping love alive tapes You are obviously in Mid Life Crisis yourself which explains your anger & confusion Have you bothered to get the book Men In MidLife Crisis the book will help to explain to you from a man's point of view what mlc is & what to expect Are you going to counseling to work on your issues? what positive changes are you making so that your marriage will be better? what i see here is alot of blaming & anger & you seem to like to spread your anger around by making cutting posts on threads but offering no advice & obviously not knowing the entire history of the posters & how far they've come vs where they were when they 1st got here to the board you like to focus on issues which takes away from the true issues which you are having to deal with you put down those who've been here longer than you & who are in fact making progresses but you seem to lack the will power to actually work on your marriage by showing here what steps you are making to improve yourself & your marriage in the past there have been couples who used the board to help their relationship with both the wife & the husband posting on a joint thread together as well as seperately but you are obviously not trying to do that if you are truely committed to going back to your wife & family then go to counseling where the 2 of you can work on your issues together then it should be easy to make a better marriage for both of you have you bothered to buy the book his needs her needs? how a husband who walked away came back to his wife & family i'd suggest that you pick up a copy of the following & read & do the assignments in the books: the power of a praying husband book & studyguide the 5 love languages he also has a book called hope for the seperated i'd suggest you pick up & read boundaries book & work book there is also have a book called boundaries in marriage with a work book as well for your manhood issues to help heal the hurts you are so obviously feeling... i suggest you pick up a copy of the book wild at heart along with it's feild manual also along with the same theme is the book & tapes He-Motions Quote: The relationship didn't last very long and part of the reason was because my wife interfered in that. OK here's proof that love must be tough) & (his needs her needs) are correct in confronting & not standing for the affair does in fact work But also the OW showed who she really was and even though I would vent to her about my wife it upset me when she would put my wife down I felt like I needed to defend her and OW would get angry with me. classic finding out that the grass wasn't greener again take heart women - see just like some said prodigals do think of us often Then I would call my wife and yell at her for making my life miserable classic example of MLCer blaming the wife for everything wrong in his life remember to not take personally everything which comes out of the prodigals mouth even michelle pointed out believe little of what they say & only 1/2 of what they do because I needed OW to think the best of me because I didn't have anyone else. again proof again that what is being said is correct in that the OW is like a drug which MLCer has an addiction to & clings to OW in desperation also proof that don harvey's book when the one you love wants to leave rings true... it is very important to know the true reasons as to WHY the WAS is looking to come home make sure the WAS has the right motivation to return & fully ready to commit to the marriage just because he wants to go home isn't grounds for simply saying yes it's ok if as in this case ff on this thread at least has shown... he's unwilling to accept responsibilty for his contribution to the problems doesn't appear to be showing genuine remorse for his actions doesn't seem to be willing to deal with the issues for the marital problems doesn't appear to be asking for forgiveness for his actions rather ff is still blaming everything on his wife and anyone else way too much anger which isn't being addressed in a positive manner he hasn't truely resolved his motivation for leaving - see pg 149 of when the one you love wants to leave by dr don harvey - ff is classic "i'm home but I don't want to talk about it" FF - if you choose to answer this post do so here on your thread keep your negativity here i only want PIMPs on my thread Positive Individuals Making Progress
WOW!! You really have done your homework and you are not going to get me to respond in a negative way to your diatribe. Something tells me the woman doth protest too much. I admit that when I began posting here it was because I had many issues that needed to be dealt with, and I am still working on them. I am making steps forward to my family. I am not going to pretend that my wife was perfect and I was the [censored]. She had many issues throughout our marriage that she refused to acknowledge. And yes she has changed alot but I am still cautious as I do not want to go back the darkness. And just for your information I am seriously considering asking my wife if she would like to go to marriage councelling with me to see if there is anything that we can salvage from the wreckage. I am not going around spreading my negativity anymore and I am sorry if you feel that way. You admit yourself on your posts that you are unhappy but why are you unhappy really? You also have alot of anger and hostility about the situation you are in. A situation you have no control over a situation you have chosen to accept. We could work together if you like I think we are both on opposite sides of the coin.
Sheez! Can ya both step to your own corner of the ring! This ain't DB behavior FF, I do see a lot of your points. I'm D now for 3 years but you are making quite a bit of sense. Lots of history here, ain't going into it. But I do "see" the idea where you're unhappy and wanted to work on it. Mistakes? Sure, we all made 'em. And acknowledge them. And honestly, think you're working on it. I really do think you are making this point: Boundaries are all good and fine, but if a spouse senses that you are too needy or demanding...ain't gonna work. KNow it doesn't for me. You know, I lost my house and all of my retirement funds in my D. My ex was an addict and big time MLCer. How I responded to that will make me happy or not. He became terribly needy, I suspect so did I. That co-dependency doesn't work. When a spouse senses all you want is financial support out of them and you demand to hold an M together based on that, that creates a lot of resentment. I'm actually much happier now, broke and struggling financially to put my own business together, than I had ever been in the last five years of my M. I'm not supporting divorce or marriage here. What I am saying is that a lack of self-respect, lack of selfesteem, and lack of personal initiative really will damage an M. Good luck to ya. I hope that you find the "right" decision here. I only stopped by to acknowledge I really do "see" some points here, not to bash either of you. I think anyone on this board should be respected, regardless of the circumstances they came here under. You come because you are seeking solutiosn to your marriage problems, not to be self-righteous or argue or have the "one" answer.
Finally Free, I don't know much of your sitch as I've only skimmed your threads. And I haven't read much of what others have said because, honestly, you seem to have started an utter stampede of posts that I just can't keep up with. Why does everyone want to read what you have to say? Why does everyone seem to want to post and post and post to you? As for me, I have to say you intrigue me. And it seems that a lot of women see their WAH in you and are spilling out onto your thread all the hurt and pain they have wanted to say to their H's but have been holding back. You seem to be the DB scapegoat. You are the WAH. We all want to know what you're thinking, feeling, believing, doing because it gives us insight into what our own H's are thinking, feeling, believing, doing. You're going through a lot right now. If you are actually in MLC, I can understand a lot of your responses because as we all know from the stages, Anger is prevalent as well as Depression. We LBS's should know that better than anyone as we've all studied and studied the stages as if we have to pass a test before our H's come home. And all of us LBS's are in a world of hurt right now because we've been betrayed, abandoned, and hurt to the core. So this meeting of the minds has resulted in a lot of clashing, angry, hurtful banter. But this can be good! We can learn so much from each other. I know if I ranted and raved at my WAH, he would fly off the handle on me too. If I'm kind, he is kind. Finally Free, I think some of your earlier posts have caused you to be labeled a bad boy, so now everyone is on the defensive, taking out all of their anger on each other. As I've perused your posts, I've noticed you changing. Do you see it? You are kinder, more willing to open up, thinking about reconciliation with your wife and how that will work. You, Finally Free, are an inspiration. You give me hope. From the first posts where you talked about just being happy you were away from your wife to now talking about going to marriage counseling. I think your wife is very lucky. You are working on yourself and your M. You are lucky too because she seems to be doing the same thing. I know you are scared and don't want to go back to the same dismal M you had before. So take it slow. Try that marriage counseling. Remember, you don't have to jump right in as if nothing has changed. Date each other a bit. Test the waters. Have fun with each other. Talk things out and see if you are both on the same page. Just give it a try and see what happens. I'm excited for you and your W. I'm excited for the rest of us and the possibility that our H's will turn back to us for a second shot at it. And let's all try to be nice to each other. We're all in the same boat - even if we're on the other side of the paddle. We all are here to try to make our M's work. We need to support each other and learn from each other. Not respecting others' opinions only leads to negativity - and I don't know about everyone else, but that is part of the reason why I'm in this mess. I didn't do enough respecting where my H was concerned. Finally Free, you have helped me realize that even more. I thank you for that. Here's to hoping that we all will be out of the woods soon enough! Smiles, Avalon
_________________________ JT71 02/09/06 10:20 PM
Hear Hear!!
Last edited by job; 09/26/1606:18 AM. Reason: Removal of link to another site.
I knew that someone was going to ask about the stages and they are pretty accurate to a point. The depression is the worst part of it all to realize that life isn't all it is supposed to be and to look at everything you have done wrong and all of the people that have been hurt and to know that you did all that. About being happy that is a crock of [censored]. I thought I would be happy but I never was truly happy. Knowing that the reasons I left my family were simply stupid and childish. How can anyone be happy knowing that their family is suffering and going without and that their children are crying and your wife is crying and that everyone around knows what an [censored] you are. How can anyone truly be happy when they have completely [censored] up everything for the sake of making a statement or getting a piece of ass on the side. It isn't worth it none of it has been worth it. The guilt consumes me daily and no matter what I do it will always be there knowing that I was a SOB who walked away and deserted my family for what.Nothing. I got my space and my freedom and I eat alone and sleep alone. I do not give a [censored] if you think your husband is happy he is not and is only lieing to you and himself and to anyone who will listen. I have money and there is nothing I can buy to make up for what I have done to my family.
Hey F.F. FWIW..I have liked you from the start.Your honesty about your situation shed some much needed light on my life. Thank you for that. Your last post was very insightful. My H left about a year and a half ago to live with his secretary. I won't go into dirty details, but he tried to come back quite a few times but the secretary was always there waiting if things didn't work out..And of course, they didn't..We tried too much too soon.
Fast forward to now. Yes, I have filed. H still living with secretary. No, he's not happy. You described him to a "t". He walks arouund like he has the world on his shoulders and dropped it. As for me, too much damage had been done. Still love him to the core, but until he comes to realize the impact of what he has done, there really is not M left. Now, my question is, even if we are going through the Big D, is there anyway the you can recommend me helping my H through his depression, guilt and anger at himself? It's weird..I am not angry at him anymore. In a way, I am still WAY protective of him, even after all the crap he has pulled. AS for he and OW, it's a match made in hell. But we all new that. She treats him like dirt, he treats her like dirt. I do think he wants to come back. But I see that he hasn't changed a bit. Still thinks everything was my fault, yadda yadda. Sure, I take responsibility for my 50%, but he needs to take his fair share of it too. I admire the fact that you have come to this board and allowed us to get into the brain of an MLCer so to speak. Too often we characterize these WAS as evil, vengeful people who had all this planned out..the stuff they did to their family, etc. Now, after reading your post, I realize it's way bigger than that. Way bigger. I see H as spinning and spinning out of control and not realizing the damage he leaves behind. It's like he has no control, when he really does. As for OW..Well, she isn't going anywhere. I know I can't make her accountable in all this solely, but it isn't easy to build a new R with H when she is there spitting sh"** in his ear about why he should be with her. Well, FF, sorry to hijack. Your posts are very thought provoking which aided in my journaling over here! Hey, as for your wife, hang in there. The ILY isn't on the card not because she doesn't love you, she is just scared to say it. Simple as that. Be yourself. Be honest. Tell her what you are thinking and feeling when the time is right. Remind yourself what you love about her and don't keep waiting for that bomb to drop. You are seeing things differently now and so is your W. I bet you are more appreciative of the little things that a R has to offer. And, she sees it. Believe me, she sees it. I am over on MLC. If u want to come over for a visit, that would be awesome. If not, I will be stopping by to check on u!! Have a good day, FF..You are doing great!
FF do you have faith in God? I don't want to push God on you if you don't. I believe, and I think that you can be helped by Faith in Him. I appreciate your response to me re: my H, still think that right now he is proving or whatever. At the moment that doesn't matter, I want to help you. but please someday take the time and comment upon some of the stuff in the resources thread. It is a gift that you can give. Alright, time to be brutal again. What you did, it sucked, it was wrong. there are no two ways about it. But, we are human. we have a right to fail. its ok, and we have some incredible lessons that we learn through our failures. Often wisdom comes through mistakes. So you were an incredibly selfish man one day and walked out. yep, say that you are sorry, to yourself, to God, and to your family, then it is time to grow from that experience. I told you when I first posted to you that you have the opportunity to teach your children the most incredible lesson of commitment and love. You can teach them about having the courage to admit your mistake and to strive to repair. Your actions and words will ring with them throughout the rest of their lives. Honesty and integrity, humility. Just b/c you are not Ward Cleaver does not mean that your kids cannot learn valuable lesson and be proud of you. Quite to the contrary, your kids (brutal again) can appreciate you, who you have become, more b/c they have seen the worst in you. They can’t possibly take that for granted. It’s like appreciating a hot summer day after 40 days of rain vs 40 days of hot summer days. Your W made changes too. We all have lessons to learn in life. Suffering is part of all lives. It does suck that you and your family went through this. But it is all relative. I was just reading about a 10 yr old that shot his 8 yr old brother, died instantly, and the struggle to remain a family and deal with the guilt, by the parents for not being home, and for the 10 yr old. That family suffered, that family had lots of failures, that family survived. The parents raised that 10 year old and he learned more than not to play with guns. What you do with the suffering is what matters. Your kids are going to learn more than not to leave their families. They are going to learn self worth, they are going to learn pride, humility, introspection, commitment, and that it is ok to fail. Please don’t be so down on yourself. You have great worth, you have compassion, although it took some time for me to see it, I do. You are one of God’s children, He values you, and we here on the board value you, and I am sure that your family values you. Humble yourself b4 God and ask that he forgive you, He will, Ask that He help you with the rest of your journey, He will Then humble yourself b4 your family and ask for their help I bet that you get it.
What is it exactly you want me to comment about on the MLC resources? I thought I had done that but maybe I didn't understand. I do believe in God but I don't want to go into that right now. And yes I do pray daily.
you did comment here in this thread, perfectly well. What I was suggesting is that you actually post your thoughts in general terms, ie "through the eyes of a MLCer on the other side of the tunnel" some cool title like that. Stick it in the MLC resource thread for future reference. You may have done that too. It was just a thought. I will not ask you to discuss anything that you are not comfortable with. I do believe that you are a valuable person, please do not remain down on yourself for your past indiscretions. You are doing so well opening up here. I only want the best for you, just as I do for everyone on this board. I may be more of a burden than anything to you, I don't mean to be. If there is ever anything that I can do for you, I will. I had no right to ask you to do anything, I am sorry, but I am pushy, when I see a "talent" and a need, I like to help facilitate the connection. How are things going for you?
FF- thank you so much for your honesty. You seem to worry that you have done too much to be forgiven- if my H came to me and said what you did in that post we would be back to work on our M. It is great to see how much you have grown since you got here and so quick!!! I hope one day my H will grow up and figure this out- but not all MLCers do or it takes a long time. Anyways thanks again for all your insights- it helps to remind all of us LBS' that there is a chance!
Hi FF, Do you feel like you are being pulled in a million different directions? I also appreciate your perspective as a WAS but hope you don't feel pressured by all the questions. You have enough on your plate right now and I think you are doing a fabulous job with your W. Here is a post from another forum from a LBS that I think is beneficial to everyone. Quote: I think that sometimes when we are DBing we make a huge effort to surpress our anger. I think that feeling that anger and realizing that what this person did to you was absolutely unacceptable and pure BS helps us to let go of seeing them in the glow of a memory we wished we still had. So feeling some anger can be useful in a sense. But anger isn't a primary emotion. We feel angry and resentment because we feel so hurt. We feel that what happened was so unfair. Somehow we do expect life to be fair and when it isn't, it is a hard pill to swallow. I think writing a letter to express how unjust you feel these manipulations, betrayals and letdowns of broken promises have been is healthy. Feel a little anger. And realize this anger comes just from the feeling of being let-down by the one person you believed in enough to make yourself so vulnerable to them. And then work on accepting that life isn't fair. It's not. We can affect our lives by making good choices ourselves, by having a positive attitude, but things will happen, good and bad, that have nothing to do with whether we deserved them to happen or not. That's just life, unfortunately. When those good things happen, we know to appreciate and value them. When the bad things happen, we learn to not take it as a reflection of our worth and don't personalize it so much. Then remember your H when you married him. Know and recognize that even though he did these aweful things and even though he knew he was hurting you, his goal was never to hurt you. It really wasn't. He failed himself too. For whatever reason, he didn't have the stamina to face whatever seemed overwhelming to him and he ran away from his problems. In doing so he hurt you and your kids and himself. But know that when he promised to love you and be faithful to you forever, he meant it. He never imagined he'd do the things he has. And I am sure that even though he did have the power to not do these things and he chose to do them, he would change it if he could. This isn't what he hoped for. He just isn't as emotionally strong as others are to endure the hardships of M. And that is about his weakness. So forgive him because he never went out and planned or intended to hurt you. He was just too weak to even do what he knew to be right. He's just a human and he's made some terrible, short-sighted choices. That's all. I had a lot of anger and resentment built up towards my H. I struggle a litttle bit with resenting the challenges I face now due to the choices H made. But I don't have any anger in me anymore. It happened. It [censored]. But that's how it is. And the difficulties I have today will be less difficult a year from now, and so on. We are resilient and we do heal. Part of working through the anger I do believe is working on acceptance. It's hard to not feel angry about a situation you do not want to accept. It's part of still being in shock and denial about what has happened in your life. It's hard to truly accept and be at peace with. But as you work on this, you are working towards acceptance and peace with how the chips fell. And once you can accept it and no longer resent it, you will start living the life you now have and enjoying it. You won't be living in a past or with carrying the burden of broken dreams and promises. You'll be free.
I didn't mean this to sound like when it's done, it's done...but when both sides accept what happened...they can move forward...whether as a single person or back into a new loving M. LR
_________________________ JT71 02/23/06 11:32 PM
FF, thanks for the comment on Pete's thread. I posted something to you on my thread....not sure why there instead of here. Guess it's where I was. You are doing ok. Really. _________________________ shocked_and_alone 02/24/06 08:11 AM
FF I can't help myself. Although I try not to hi-jack. I know that I did. I would welcome your input, but do want your thread to be for you. I am sorry. I was actually pleased that you posted on my thread last week. I responded, but was disappointed not to hear back again. Could be b/c that thread locked. I am sorry for pressuring you. Sometimes I get away with myself. I just see value in you, not that you couldn't figure that out yourself. I do want to see things work for you, and I do want to hear about your thread. none (most?) of us are not your wife, but most of us are LBS's so, we can give you some prospective on what your W may be thinking or going through. and hopefully that will help you. Although most of us here aren't as far along, seemingly, as your W. We do have some idea about the emotions and cationary stance. Best to you.
Last edited by job; 09/26/1606:31 AM. Reason: Deleted personal email address
FINALLY FREE- It is very interesting reading some of your feelings and if I knew my H was feeling some of this and I am pretty sure he probably is it helps in the understanding of this....curious about a few things if you wouldnt mind responding? Are you divorced? I am thinking not but wanted to veryify that? Is your wife currently wearing her wedding ring? If yes, how does that make you feel and if no same question? Did your Friend (ow) ever start pressuring you for "more" in your relationship? if yes, is that what turned you off from her? Or did you just start comparing her to your wife after the novelty wore off? How often would you say you think of your wife?? Do you think your wifes weight loss played a major part in attracting you back to her? Do you think of ML to her often? maybe I should stop with the quesitons now, thats in advance for responding to what you feel comfortable with, it really helps getting a perspective on the person walking away...I personally am still waiting for the shock to wear off.....you think your so bonded?? I guess the last one I slipp in here is I thought I read you thought about leaving for a year before? Is that right? Did you have thoughts like this throughout the marraige? Do you feel like you ever really discussed the things that were bothering you and gave your wife a chance to "make you happy" or maybe better said is give you what you needed??? Thanks again for your input
Grace as I am not your husband I can not tell you what is in his head. No I am not divorced neither of us have filed. My wife still wears her rings I don't wear mine, my wife has it in a safe place for me. Her weight loss had nothing to do with my changing my mind, but it is nice to see her looking so good. I have never stopped thinking about my wife, the good the bad and the ugly. Yes I now think of ML to her often but have not done anything about it. I left home about 13 months or so ago. I did tell my wife before I left what I needed but I was ignored over and over again. The OW wanted more then I was willing to give lets leave it at that.
finally_free, I see such good progress in your sitch and am so happy for you. - It is so good to read your thread. Would you please have a look at my last posts on my thread? Thanks for your input. Truelove
HI I feel bad asking you for advice since you seem to be constantly asked but I will as I am feeling like this is it. My H has filed and says there is no way we will not get a D yet has said after this is all over he sees us being great friends and maybe more. He occasionally does nice things for me- buys candy, shops at costco, fixes stuff around the house. We met at 16yrs old married 7 yrs later, been married 10yrs. We have 4 kids and I did yell often about him not appreciating me and working too many hours. I didn't listen when he said he couldn't deal with the constant arguing. So now 7 months after he moved out I am a changed woman - lost the last 15 pounds that I had, dress better, go out with friends, building my self esteem back, have my anger in check most days ect. I worked on everything he complained about but he said it was too late- alot like you had said when you first came to the boards. So my real question is - what if anything can I do to help him wake up before the D is final? I don't want to wait forever for him to come back- if we D I think I will move on. I realize for the first time in my life that I am a great catch and should be appreciated. Sorry to put all this on your thread - my current one in MLC doesn't give you a history of my sitch. Anyways sorry to hijack - you seem to like helping out now so I hope you don't mind. I cried when I read that you were ring shopping and realize that you didn't appreciate your W before. I spent the day dreaming that one day my H would be doing the same!
_________________________ JT71 02/28/06 11:24 PM
FF, I just praised you on my thread. Babysteps. Don't assume. Wisest words here yet. JT
_________________________ Becca1975 03/01/06 08:38 AM
FF, how are things going with YOU? You have been so graciously helping others but we want to hear about what is happening now with you as well.
_________________________ AmyC 03/01/06 09:55 AM
Yes! I'm with Becca..... I've been looking for an update from you as well, FF..... Amy
_________________________ Finding_Me 03/01/06 11:14 AM
FF- thanks so much for posting to me. I agree - it is great for you to help us but we do want to hear about you as well. I would love to hear how you are feeling and what has helped you change and what if anything your W could be doing to help you along. Just hearing the way you talk about your wife now is inspiring to hear.
_________________________ shocked_and_alone 03/01/06 11:39 AM
FF update us please, but this is also a shameless plug for Mike. He is a good guy, needs some support
_________________________ Bowtech 03/01/06 11:41 AM
Originally Posted By: happy_again i posted to ALASKA this evening not because he was dating again but because his daughter who is only 14 is to involved in the situation.[quote=happy_again] Ok let's hash this out a bit. You have never, ever posted to my sitch before. First time you do is to criticize?? [quote=happy_again]i personally think that it is very hard for kids to see this happening and they dont need to know all of the details of their parents mistakes at an early age.[quote=happy_again] Having been a child of divorce, no one knows this better than me. However, my daughter has asked me about it several times. I have always prided myself on open, honest communication, and stressed this with my kids as well. If they smoke pot....and they want to talk about it.......I want to hear it, and advise them on it. Give them MY point of view. If they want to ask me about pre-marital sex?? ........I want them to feel comfortable doing so................for them to be able to approach me and trust me.....................they have to KNOW that I am honest with them.
No need to apologize to me. You said your piece, and you saw mine.
Originally Posted By: AmyC _________________________ ALASKA! You don't know the whole story, man. And while I would tend to agree with you on occasion about HA's method of delivery, he has indeed walked a walk that people here are going to benefit from and Lord knows there are times we all have to get it "upside the head" BEFORE we "get it" at all. He's not one to shy away from dishing it out but if you find his first couple of threads you will see that the DB welcome wagon pitched in with more than few spoonsfull that were aimed right at his head! Why, I can think of two of us that were even BANNED from posting to him for a while! Ahhh, the good old days.... Now play nice! _________________________
Ame, if they want to ban me, for standing up for myself to someone that has not even bothered to follow my sitch...........have at it.
A copy of the e-mail I sent to my daughter: Hey Bird, you'd asked me in the past if I had a girlfriend. I do. She doesn't live in XXXXX but we get along great, and she really appreciates me and supports me. I held off telling you guys until I thought you'd be comfortable with the idea......but you are right........we all have to move forward. She has 3 daughters, 17, 15 and 1 that just turned 5. The youngest one, Amy, is a real cutie and has latched onto me like a duck to water. I've always had a way with young kids, and she is no exception. When I visit, she pops up into my lap right off the bat. Anyways, my girlfriend's name is Gail, and she is the same age as me. We get along very well, and I really enjoy her company. I hope this isn't a shock to you, and is why I dropped hints along the way, to get you used to the idea. I didn't say anything to Colton...........because you are old enough to understand, I'm not sure he is. Anyways, I'm not asking you to keep this a secret, if you'd like to tell Mom and Colton, that's fine with me. Now that you know, it won't be long before I introduce you, if you're cool with that. Let me know bud. Love you, Dad.
_________________________ Glenda_aka_kc 03/14/07 03:42 AM
I'm going to try to follow this thread. I, too, am the product of divorced parents. My stepmother and I never got along, didn't know my mom at all, and now [at 53] I'm the divorced LBS who has made a choice not to date. I've had a couple of "dates" but after a 25+ year relationship that it wasn't my choice to end and seeing what the whole episode is doing to my kids it isn't worth it to me. By actuarial tables I've got a lot more years to be around so I might change my mind but since my WAH doesn't seem to happy either, I think I'd rather put what little energy I plan to devote to trying to figure out some type of forward thinking R with XH. At any rate, with all the "stuff" and the suffering I see here, I'd be very interested to hear a different side of the story.
_________________________ happy_again 03/14/07 06:26 AM
Alaska you have serious issues and i am not here to discuss them with you.please dont post on my thread if you want to attack me.no i do not agree with the way you are choosing to handle this with your daughter but she is not my child,read your post again. you were a child of divorce what can you do to make sure that your children dont end up like you.
_________________________ happy_again 03/14/07 07:38 AM
The youngest one, Amy, is a real cutie and has latched onto me like a duck to water. I've always had a way with young kids, and she is no exception. When I visit, she pops up into my lap right off the bat. Alaska against my own better judgement i am going to to respond to this letter you sent to your daughter. i am sure she was just thrilled to hear that you are building a new relationship with your girlfriends youngest child.i am sure that it must feel great to have been replaced by someone else.dont you get it man?your kids may be putting on a brave face and yes they want to see both of their parents happy but you are going about it the wrong way.it is far to soon to be doing this kind of crap to your kids.it is just really cool how you want to be the hip dad but you also need to be a grown up and that means putting your happiness aside for a little while and let your own kids heal from the divorce.in all honesty you sound like you are having your own mini mlc. this is all about you and your feelings and your deserve to be happy and all of the other crap that we say on this board.nobody says you cant date. all i was saying is that your children need to come first.they do not want to hear about your girlfriends kids they want to hear that their dad will always be there for them and nobody can ever replace them that no matter what happens between mom and dad they will always be the number one relationship.
_________________________ EverHopeful 03/14/07 07:39 AM
HA, Thanks for coming back and for inviting your wife to join you. Somewhere along the line, please tell us how your kids faired with this situation, and how exactly your sitch worked itself out. Maybe I need a roadmap to help me see the forest for the trees. Funny HA, when you first post went up last year I thought that you were my H. We had has a major blow out the day before and I just felt by some of what you wrote that it was him. Given this Sunday's interaction with him and you posting, it seems like you and he share some sort of telepathy... are you his Corsican twin? Just kidding... welcome back and I look forward to seeing how this plays out and what advice you offer...maybe you can check out some of my old threads and give me some personalized advice. I would really appreciate it. *Ever*
_________________________ angelica 03/14/07 07:51 AM
HappyAgain, Thank you for coming back and posting - it is important that we all understand as much as we can about MLC. On the subject of being contentious - hmmmm. Well I just did a counselling course, because I have wanted to do it for a long time, and have now decided to go on and train further. One of the things that I have learnt is greater empathy for other people, and the concept of 'unconditional postive regard'. Which is looking at people and trying to understand why they are saying and doing the things that they are doing and NOT JUDGING THEM. It is pointless rebuking anyone [IMO] unless they already respect you, otherwise they reject the criticism, and acrimony sets in [sometimes it does even if they do respect you!!]. If we feel that someone is making a mistake, it is a tough call on whether to point it out to them. After all, as you know from MLC, how the MLCer reacts to any comment that can be construed as criticism . . .sadly the rest of us are not very keen on it either. Why not give your testimony, and give advice to those who are asking for it? Give us some do's and don't's You cannot validate what you don't agree with, but perhaps you could concentrate on people who are asking for advice - they don't have to take it, but perhaps they will decline it graciously, and explain why they think you are wrong [and we are none of us infallible] I hope I am not offending you, because, like many people who have been through a profound experience you have a wonderful wish to share, and also to help others to benefit from it. Sadly, not all people will listen, and perhaps also your own experience doesn't fit all circumstances, or they don't see it as relevant to their own circumstances? A
_________________________ mopsey821 03/14/07 08:30 AM
HappyAgain, It would be wonderful if you would post your experiences for us. Would you be able to link some of your past threads? Mopsey
_________________________ happy_again 03/14/07 08:35 AM
there is so much i want to say but have no idea where to begin.so things might be a little out of order but i will try to keep things into perspective. so much of what happened to me and the things that went on in my head i have yet to understand. it just seemed that i started feeling very dissatisfied with my life.so much responsibility to care for the wife and kids and mortgages and my company.i wanted some time just for myself without feeling pressured. when my dad died it was almost like something clicked in my head that i needed to act NOW. life was too short and this was going to have to be my time or else I was going to die young just like my dad without ever having done anything with my life.Allie is so sensible and she began to annoy me. the things she said would grate on my nerves.for some stupid reason she did make sense but this was not the time for making sense or for logic. i bought a condo without her knowing so I could have aplace to go and be alone.i needed my space without her frills and flowers everywhere.i began to go there to do my work but also began to sleep over at times.i never had a PA. i went to classmates.com and found some old high school friends. i also found my ex girlfriend from high school.we began emailing and then im-ing.it was all so superficial and so so so stupid.at first it was like we were back in high school catching up and talking about our mutual friends. then she began getting more personal and i trusted her. she was going through the same dissatisfaction in her life with her husband.we fed off of each others misery. and each time i would be at home i began to feel the need to get out as fast as i could.only my friend understood what i was going through. Allie was too preoccupied with the kids and the house to notice how miserable I was.or so i thought. looking back at everything i never gave Allie a chance to understand.i just assumed she wouldn;'t.like i said my wife is so sensible and predictable.she is a good woman and i don;t think i wanted her to tell me that i was being foolish or what i was doing was wrong. i made a huge mess of things by turning everything around in my head and i began blaming Allie for everything wrong in my life. i began to get nasty with her.find excuses to yell at the poor woman.every time my friend would piss me off I took it out on my wife. i couldnt let my friend know the [censored] in my head after all she thought i was a really nice guy and couldnt understand why Allie didn;t appreciate me or take the time to understand me. i lied and i can see how much worse i made things by making up excuses to call my friend just to have someone to talk to.my biggest regret is that I refused to let Allie into my life i didn;t want her to rearrange it but i did want her to understand it.
Hi GAG Those posts, for some reason include only his responses in other threads in 2006, not topics that he created (his story threads) for the whole of 2006 If you click on 'topics created' you'll see theres only his thread for the first little bit of 2006, not the rest:(
Thanks GAG, its the last ones you have that I'm after,cause they arent on the forum, but I know its alot of time to post them here, so theres no rush whenever you have the time it will be much appreciated Thanks again GAG!!
If you click on 'topics created' you'll see theres only his thread for the first little bit of 2006, not the rest:(
Thanks again GAG!!