For HD men, the absolute most important thing in the world is the wifes SEXUAL desire for him. Most men equate lack of sexual desire for him as COMPLETE rejection of him. For most HD men, if the wife does not desire him sexually, then NOTHING ELSE IN LIFE REALLY MATTERS. He will do ANYTHING to get that desire from SOMEWHERE.
Curious, you say that desire wanes after the initial lust wears off. Michelle actually describes this in SSM and tells of all the chemicals in the body that cause this effect. This effect seems to impact women GREATLY, but not most men. I think this is because for men, once the effect wears off, they still have testosterone driving their desire and women have only a tiny fraction of that testosterone. I alos see that you say that a prior realtionship was with a LD man, and that you would have CONTINUED your desire indefinitely with him. I am guessing that many women, like you and my wife, are similar to this, that if YOU can pursue at YOUR pace then you will continue pursuing, but when you get married to a guy that has a much higher level of desire and is now chasing you more or less constantly, then the magic wears off, and sexaul aversion may even set in. I think I have this problem with my wife to some degree. She says I cling to much, which is true because the only touching in our realtionship is from me to her. I am desparate to be loved in any way. She wants a confident man, but what she does not understand is that the male confidence comes from how he feels desired. There is no better way to shatter a mans confidence then to NOT DESIRE HIM. I am still trying to figure out what it really means when she says she needs a man with confidence in the marriage.
I have to say, CeMar, that it is only in talking to you on this forum that I understand my X. I thought he was nuts when he said he thought I didn't love him. I REALLY DID LOVE HIM. So at least now (too late) I understand that my lack of initiative made him feel unloved.
That's why I keep asking you if you have really told your W flat out that this situation is a deal-breaker.
I also understand what your W says when she says she wants you to have more confidence in the marriage. I felt this way about my X. He would say he wanted me to initiate, I would say, just go for it! Asking me or tentatively putting out feelers (ha!) just puts a damper on me. He didn't understand this.
I wanted him to be more aggressive about things. I didn't want to feel fear coming from him. Now I know that you are going to say that it's hard to be confident and aggressive when you fear rejection. I understand that, but still, the fear is not attractive.
You know the old saying, "If you want her to be more of a woman, try being more of a man." MAybe you should just experiment once: just plough ahead, ravish her! (I don't mean rape her, of course.) See if you get a different reaction. I bet you do.
You both need to tap into different sides of yourselves. The two sides meeting each other now are not making it.
Quote: Poe, I'm up for having fun with my honeypot any time, day or night...oops, too much info. ..So tell me, what kind of reaction did you think I'd have?
Usually, most posters, like to comment with a lot of details. Also I was looking to gain some more insight
I can only speak for myself, although I believe many people feel this way. I look for a mate who is confident, self-assured. If I feel that the guy is scared, it's a turn off. The mere fact that he would ask if I was happy would be a turn off. This is probably immature of me, I know, because if you are looking for intimacy, you need to divulge your vulnerability too.
I have a big thing about being smothered and someone being scared around me would make me feel like I had to take care of them too much for comfort.
Ok, Poe, I am a very intelligent person but could you clarify your question for me? Are you wanting insight as to why your wife left, or what you could have done differently, or what she should have done differently? I am confused. Not trying to avoid your query.
Quote: I have a big thing about being smothered and someone being scared around me would make me feel like I had to take care of them too much for comfort.
Hmm, makes me wonder where I can get the manual on this stuff, something like "Idiot's guide to marriage"
Quote: Ok, Poe, I am a very intelligent person but could you clarify your question for me? Are you wanting insight as to why your wife left, or what you could have done differently, or what she should have done differently? I am confused. Not trying to avoid your query.
You ask me a question about what I have learn, and what I would have done. When I gave the answers, you made very little comment.
