My wife had EA lasted 6-9 months not posotive, it turned physical supposedly only three times the Bomb was dropped about 8 weeks ago. Initially she was very angry, we have been counseling individual and couples. I finally got angry about two weeks ago vented alot. Made clear what i was mad about. I have backed off done some noticeable 180's. She is still considering seperation but takes no real action to get out of the house. In the past couple days if I make physical contact ex:hands she doesn't rip right away as she did a couple weeks ago. We have been able to speak in normal conversation again. She will be going away alone for a week her and her dog kids have school. She will be no place close to OM location. I am trying to figure out if I should completly go dark while she is gone or send a friendly flower to remind her I still care. I want to fix this but do I listen to her words or pay attention to her actions? This is one roller coaster ride I would not recommend to others!
H 37 WW 37 M 15 5 Children Bomb 9-27-10 W EA/Pa she filed 12-18-10
Not to question you here, but where is she going and why? Are you without a doubt certain OM will not be involved?
Regardless, I would not send her a flower. Maybe A (single) phone call in midweek (if you truly think there is no funny business going on during this week) would be ok, but don't do it as a reminder that you still care. Do it because you simply want to fill her in on something legitamitely, or because you will need to talk to her, say about the kids or something. I think you need to have better reasons than "I miss you" or with the intent of reminding her, otherwise, it will probably come across like you are pursuing. Kind of like holding on loosely.
M-34 XW-32 D-7 Found OM's presence 4/09 Separated 12/09 Divorced 8/10 GREAT relationship as coparents since 8/10
I think I have pushed past pursuing i figured on only answering her calls when the kids were home and having them hang up as well. Did a 180 tonight went out with the kids before she went to work. I alwasys made sure we were here to say good by. There seem to be some chips in here armor. Tiny chips however i am still cautious preparing for the worst hoping for the best. I was only considering flowers mid week therefore no conversation avoiding inadvertent R discussion. Did 180 at counseling made her take the lead. I have backed way off and its a strange place to be. Thanks for posting.
H 37 WW 37 M 15 5 Children Bomb 9-27-10 W EA/Pa she filed 12-18-10
Update Maybe i should have included this in initial info she has maintained need for seperation, but takes no aggressive action to move out and gets upset when I say fine go, to see if it will work out has not asked for a divorce that always brings a negative response. The experiment a hug offer : result hug given reluctantly but not super resistant her verbal response "I'm alright" before hug,....her body language..no squeeze just there after hug distressed look in eyes. This is also at late bedtime after a hard days work for her.In the end will it matter? I think I need to go dark with the exception of her checking on the kids this week. Does anybody have any thoughts?
5 Children 15y m 23yrs friends ea/pa bomb dropped mid sept 2010 Where we end up I don't know.
Leave her alone as much as possible. Do not push for anything, except no contact and transparency. Work on you, become the man she would want to be with. No arguing, neediness, any flaw you have keep hidden. It takes about 3 to 6 months for them to go through the withdrawal symptoms of an affair and that is only if they maintain no contact.
A couple of 180's yesterday GAL day conveniently fell into schedule with a couple of me events to goto so kids off and away while she worked. I was gone when she left and came home from work I am usually home. She txt'd questioning if i was going to pickup children I responded with a yes and time which she already knew! For the first time through all of this i got a Sorry, that was not asked for. To my distress however while I was out I did not get the normal phone call to let me know she made it safely to work.....do i address that or let it go? Reading DR, picking up DB tomorrow. More input pls. This is worth it right. When the offense is only a tiny fraction of the total time of the whole relationship?!?
H 37 WW 37 M 15 5 Children Bomb 9-27-10 W EA/Pa she filed 12-18-10
Not to question you here, but where is she going and why? Are you without a doubt certain OM will not be involved?
Regardless, I would not send her a flower. Maybe A (single) phone call in midweek (if you truly think there is no funny business going on during this week) would be ok, but don't do it as a reminder that you still care. Do it because you simply want to fill her in on something legitamitely, or because you will need to talk to her, say about the kids or something. I think you need to have better reasons than "I miss you" or with the intent of reminding her, otherwise, it will probably come across like you are pursuing. Kind of like holding on loosely.
Ok so should I tell her to txt me if she wants to talk because while away she will call to check and see how the kids are even if they are at school. And she already said in passing conversation to call if needed one of her complaints about our marriage is we didn't talk enough but she needs space so where is the balance. The om will be 5 hours away from here and as far as I can tell still no contact I maintain contact with om spouse and we try to verify.
H 37 WW 37 M 15 5 Children Bomb 9-27-10 W EA/Pa she filed 12-18-10
I wouldn't text her anything like that. That will make it sound to her like you are always available. She needs to feel as if there is some risk with going to a vacation house for "space." There's no risk if you are always going to respond to her. If she wants to talk, she can talk to you face to face and inititate it, rather than hide behind time away at a vacation home.
Is this your shared vacation home? If so, maybe this will change your thinking a bit....why is SHE the one to go to this home again for space, especially when she had the A? Why aren't YOU going there instead and leaving her to stay at home with kids and wonder what YOU'RE doing?
I see why you're confused about talking enough or not talking enough. But, she wanted you to talk more when her mind and heart were 100% into the marriage. Now they're not, so it is likely that she thinks it is too late, or, maybe more accurately, it will come off as you only want to talk now because you are afraid of losing her, not because you actually want to talk. So ask yourself, do I actually want to TALK to her, like a friend, about subjects that are happy/fun/interesting to discuss, or do you want to talk about the R, which she is trying to get away from by leaving for the week? See the difference here? Talking to her about the marriage is intuitive, but I think that's the last thing she wants you to do if she is admittedly leaving for space.
Finally, and again, not to make you overly paranoid, but 5 hours is not really that far away. Would you have driven 5 hours for her back when you were courting her without batting an eye?
M-34 XW-32 D-7 Found OM's presence 4/09 Separated 12/09 Divorced 8/10 GREAT relationship as coparents since 8/10
Fortunately I can check the om wherabouts daily/nightly she is going because I am essentially mr mom therefore less disruption for kids I told her to go since she feel she may need a seperation. I of course trust nothing right now. We have been talking like friends and I don't want to close that door I have been avoiding R talk for now. So when she calls or txt after kids get on bus should I ignore it. I do not plan to initiate contact. I do not plan to jump to my phone. So I guess that is why I am trying to figure out if I should directly tell her that if she has an R issue to discuss to text me with can we talk or something like that?
H 37 WW 37 M 15 5 Children Bomb 9-27-10 W EA/Pa she filed 12-18-10
