Finding My Way

[Lostinlife]

((Mystik))

[Lostinlife]

You are one person in my prayers,

[Mystik]

Thanks Lost. I can certainly use both.

[Lostinlife]

Thanks Lost. I can certainly use both.

I know we all feel things differently, but in a way, I know what you are feeling and going through.

[newmama]

Mystik, I know that feeling- when exH didn't turn to me during his tumor scare and surgery (had a benign tumor removed from his testicle). It hurt so much.

Is your H okay?

[Mystik]

It did come as quite a blow when I realized that I was not the first person H called about his accident. Took me a moment to breathe again, breathing is still a bit hard today, too. Anytime anything happens to me my first inclination is to call H, followed by the harsh realization that I can’t do that anymore. I don’t have anyone that I can call anymore.

H said he is fine, just a little stiff and sore but that’s to be expected. I wanted to tell him to take some ibuprofen or a warm shower to ease the achiness but bit my tongue. I find myself wondering if he would have told me he got another insurance policy if he hadn’t had that accident. And would he have even told me about the car accident if it was minor? I’m curious about how it happened, but it’s not my place anymore to ask him about things like that.

I was expecting him to call or text me today to let me know that he spoke to my insurance agent and got the insurance stuff cleared up. But not a word. I'm wondering if I'm going to hear from him before he's supposed to pick up DS on Sunday.

I pray night and day for strength to get through this. I have realized that there will never be an end to this situation, H will always be in my life due to DS. And even without DS I’d probably still love H for always. At times it feels like H is so close, but at the same time he feels miles away. When I get a call or a text message I both hope and fear that it’s from him. I want the contact but am afraid of what he’s going to say. I want to just tell him how much I miss him and love him, but I know that won’t do anything positive. I know I need to just bite the bullet and file the papers for the money he owes me, but I feel so guilty for thinking about doing it, especially now that he doesn’t have a car anymore. It feels like such a bad move on my part.

[Abbey]

Hang in there kiddo... if you truly feel he'll be back... then the best thing you can do is become independent... men want what they can't have. I'm still going to be on your rear about getting a life and for the of god... WORK on you... you don't want to have the chance to get him back and not be ready. And been there, done that... you're still not ready yet. GET YOU in order. *swat swat*... the more you do now, the less you'll need to worry about it later.
*hugs*

[Mystik]

I know, I do need to work on me more. Everytime I pray hard I wake up with the feeling that H will come back, just need to be patient. I have faith that H will return, but then something like this happens and my faith is shaken. Probably in a few days it will be stronger again.

[Mystik]

And when it comes to working on myself, there are so many areas that need work I don't even know where to begin.

[Lostinlife]

Mystik, just a thought here. Maybe if you serve him with those papers it may start to break his fog.