Please help ASAP

[evolve35]

I just journaled several paragraphs and the entire thing got erased...

To sum it up. It will seem like I am doing really well and then I hit a low point like today/tonight. I am stuck at work, it's slow tonight and I have nothing but time on my hands. The hamster in my brain is running quickly on his wheel. The positives are that it is only one hamster now and he is running slower than he was in the past several weeks.

I think I get anxious on the weekends too knowing that this board is slow at that time. I think I may have come to depend on this board a little too much.

I know I am also feeling down because I didn't see him today in the hospital like I expected I would. I wish so much I could say I didn't want to see him and I didn't care. I act that way when I do see him but my brain hasn't started following my actions yet. At least not consistently. There are times when it is true I suppose.

I have been reading the Love must be Tough book. The book is quite outdated in some aspects but still rings true in other areas. Essentially you want what you can't have. Was this man perfect? Heck no. Was he a real pain in the ass much of the time? Yes. But, no one wants to be the one left behind, it only makes you want that person more and think of their good attributes. Which is why the 180 works... at least to a degree. There are times when I can logically look at the situation and say to myself honestly that I don't even want him in my life.

So, how am I going to make myself feel better and get through this? I think it is time I changed up my exercise routine. Perhaps switching to P90x and running when I can rather than running all the time. I also decided to try to learn to swim. I am afraid of water and I always wanted to be able to swim well.

Enough for now.