Ah, thank you so much. Those are very kind words and I appreciate it. I don't seem to have the same......passion, maybe....as when I first came. Maybe passion is not the right word, IDK. But anyway, it is so encouraging to see people gain something from the board, and if I can be a tiny part of that.....then that makes me feel humble. (I used that word on purpose.)
Some day when you have some time on your hands, I think reading this thread above would be very helpful. Her name is Fighting Fit and she was first a WAW in an A, and then was the LBW. I immediately thought of her when you spoke of how hard it was to listen to your W talk about meeting OM and the instant spark between them. FF explains it so well, much better than I could ever do. Plus, I didn't meet with OM, but I knew what FF was talking about when she described being with the A person. I remember her saying something about (she was telling about the PA)how both are all "feely and crabbing", but went on to expain what she meant by that. I believe it's b/c the WAW has paved the way in her mind and OM could be worse than awful--but she would have made her mind think it was great. So many factors to bring into it.
I've also read where it has had the opposite effect. When a couple first met with intentions of turning EA into PA. Sometimes the man couldn't perform well or the woman was disappointed, etc. Either way, I believe it's all about the fantasy. It sets her up and it will either cover up the reality to make her think it's great, or she'll be disappointed in her A partner and more happy to leave it within the EA limits where her fantasy will continue to support her.
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the fact that she had "promised OM that I would marry him" and then to find out how early this was done and then to hear the fact she felt she needed to say I'm sorry for not holding up her end of the bargain.
I'd be worried about you if you "didn't" have a hard time hearing her say that. That is why the two you will need to lean on each other for support through the piecing. There may be times that you need to receive some reassurance from her.
BTW, you mentioned how early into the EA that they began to talk about M, etc. I think that might be somewhat what common. That's one of those things that I look back and wonder who I was during my EA. I almost wanted OM to assure me that he would make a committment, which was absolutely crazy! But, he must have known how women are, b/c he said all the right words without just coming out and proposing M.
So what I'm saying is that this OM she had an EA with is not God's gift to women.....and he certainly wasn't to your W. One day when she's had time to get her right senses back, she'll realize he wasn't what she wanted. He was willing to tear up his family and have an A with a M woman and tear her family apart as well. After the blinders come off, she'll begin to see him in a completely different way.
You know as well as I that she owes the OM no apologies whatsoever! I hope this part will be short-term. Maybe it's b/c she feels that it's her fault for his D? Just keep trying to make her see that an A does not have to have closure, the way I've read about some WAW's, but it does have to have an immediate hault. Remind her that it would be disrespectful toward her H if she were to send some sort of "I'm sorry" email to OM. You can see how she's not thinking clearly b/c she's giving to much "importance" to OM. You are in the tough position of being very careful in how you state these things to her!
The saw cuts both ways, doesn't it?
Both of you have to have the other one in oder to "piece" together. When I was a little girl, I would watch my grandmother make a quilt for the winter. In the beginning, all I saw was a bunch of cut-out odd-shaped pieces of fabric. It looked like a mess to me. What I didn't know was my grandmother had a plan. I'd ask her a lot of questions about how she knew where to put which piece and she would smile and say, "You just wait and you'll see how all these little pieces will come together to make a beautiful quilt for the bed". It seem to take her a long time to quilt. All those tiny hand-stiches she so carefully made with her needle & thread. Sometimes I thought her fingers must be very sore from her steady work and I even saw her bring blood once.....but she kept at that chore of love until one day it was done. She stood up from her chair and said, "Sandi, come see your new quilt". There before me laid the most beautiful designed pattern of colored "pieces" that my beloved grandmother had made for me. I didn't know how, but I knew it was with love....and her determination not to stop until it all came together.
I still have that old quilt, GW, it is precious to me. When you and your W have made it through piecing back your M, it will be more precious than ever b/c both of you worked steadily and refused to give up until all those pieces fit together.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
