Hey Bobbi, It pains me to see Dan being soooo disgustingly rude to you. He is abusive. End of. He has no right to talk to you that way, even if you were somehow reconciling, neverlone divorced and him seeing someone else.
Where is your anger? Where is your spirit? Can you see that he has beaten you down into submission so far that you dont even rise to it anymore and just "put up" because ANY contact with him feeds your need for emotional connections with Dan. I was glad to see you admit that, that you still love him and have in no way let go.
You need to stop blaming the kids, or saying, its for the kids sake. Your kidding yourself Bobbi (not entirely, some of it is for the kids, sure). But you cant make it alright for them by putting yourself through hell with a man that no longer loves you. Its not just for the kids Bobbi, its for you. If you smooth things over and maintain family time, you think that paves the way to reconciliation, keeps everything ticking over, normal as it can be whilst you wait. And you get lots of Dan contact, which feeds your longing for him. But its a twisted, unhealthy f*cked up contact and we all see it and so do you even, I know you do hun.
Everyone is right. Dan sees the kids on the alloted days and thats it, no more jumping when he says jump "for the kids sake". Kids need routine, they need boundaries. You keep switching the meal arrangements and days they see Dan and this will only confuse them and maybe even all this family time is feeding Nathans false hopes you will re-marry. Think about that one.
You are struggling dear Bobbi and in answer to your question, you cant make yourself let go, detach, so you can only "fake it till you make it". Ask Dan for help. Tell him you are struggling, please stick to regular visitation and dont contact me unless its about the kids. Make yourself do the 24 hour rule. If its urgent, answer the text. If not, make yourself not reply for 24 hours. Hell, we all had to do it Bobbi when we were DBing! I spent weeks waiting hours/days to answer emails on the advice of Jeff. Go back to basic principles to stop all this knee jerking. Why should you be let off the hook
Lastly.. ask yourself, is all this twisted contact with Dan making you happy?
Hugs as always, Al xxx
Awesome post. Cheers!
BBJ, please take it to heart.
You have been teaching Dan that it's ok to treat you and the kids badly. And you are teaching your kids the same thing.
Would you want your daughter to be treated this way? Would you like your son to behave the way dan does?
You are casting the die for the next generation. Please put an end to it!
You are a people pleaser. And even though Dan just barely qualifies, at least by some definitions, I think you still care what he thinks about you. But guess what? What you do or don't do isn't really going to change what he thinks of you anyway, since it's all your fault!
Time to draw the line in the sand, or better, in some quick setting concrete!
Yeah, I forget that part. This doesn't need to be a team effort. Dan's help isn't required. He already has more power than he deserves, or should have.
BBJ - I just read this post, and I hope you have a chance to look at it, too. I think it is what you do; I KNOW it is what I did for a very long time. I actually cried a bit while reading it, out of recognition and feeling understood.
Thank you so much, everyone...that so many people care enough about me to hang in there with me even when I am stubbornly staying on the wrong path....well it means a lot. Hugs to everybody...
Donna that article is an excellent read. I am working my way through Getting Past Your Past right now, actually. This Sunday I don't have my kids and I will probably to the relationship inventory thing.
Today was a good day I went to an "Early Childhood Institute" conference/training all day for my preschool program. The woman I co-teach with is currently going through a divorce and we have found we have a lot in common. It was nice to sit and have lunch with her, plus I had my sarcastic/witty self back today so I kept making her laugh with my comments and observations.
Also I decided late last night to invite two of Nathan's friends to the movies for tonight. So, I took four kids 8 and under to see Megamind. I really, really enjoyed it!
Old habits die hard I guess bc once we were driving up to the movies I had an impulse to text Dan and see if he wanted to go, because he loves going to the movies w/the kids. But I caught myself immediately and did NOT contact him. Refocused myself on the kids in the car, joined into their conversation and away we went. And had such a good time.
Now I am heading in to join the kids for our Friday night campout tradition, sleeping in the living room. My life is good.
Oh, and I got approved for the refi...the appraiser came today so the final numbers should be in next week, and close hopefully by the end of the month!!
I went to an "Early Childhood Institute" conference/training all day for my preschool program. The woman I co-teach with is currently going through a divorce and we have found we have a lot in common. It was nice to sit and have lunch with her, plus I had my sarcastic/witty self back today so I kept making her laugh with my comments and observations.