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Neicie,
I feel for you, I really do.

Have you tried telling him that the "I'm too old" argument just doesn't wash? That if he is young enough to ride on a Harley, etc, that he is young enough to make love to his wife?
His words and his actions are incongruent and I would be pointing that out to him, pronto.

I personally think he is referring to the IDEA of regaining his sex life that is making him feel old. It must seem like such a monumental task right now that he doesn't even want to try.

Have you ever thought about setting up some (temporary) ground rules for your house? When H and I were in the thick of this, I had to say to him the whole part about my needs not getting met, blah blah, and told him that from now on he was expected to give me a kiss and a hug upon entering our house at the end of his day. This is just an example, you understand, the point is that I asked him if he'd be willing to go by this list of 'rules' (oh didn't I feel sexy saying that). He said yes.
It was almost as if he needed to follow the rules until it became habit again, you know?

It helped tremendously that he is a people pleaser and having to follow rules is not something that turns his stomach. I have no idea if such a technique would work with your husband.

Anyway, these rules were all simple affection type things and, of course, I threw in "sex twice per week" which he agreed to!
I asked for a kiss and hug before going to sleep at night. That sort of thing.

The kind of thing that he should have been doing all along, dammit!!!!

Oops, I digress.....



My point is that it was very much a re-training process. It was not something that I could "say" in one of those lovely discussions that we all have and then expect him to remember it and act on it, from that point forward. His behavior had become a (bad) habit and, as such, it was not easy for him to ditch it.

The biggest thing that I have going for me is a spouse who wants to change. Not that it is easy for him or that he is always successful, mind you! But he does view a lousy sex life as something that no man should allow to happen in his household and that is a big PLUS in my situation.

It sounds as if your husband is like that, too, and once he gets past his excuses and commits to making a change, I think you will be both be successful at turning it around.

Honey

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Tony,
God forbid! No I don't think he is having an affair. His LD was brought about by illness/medication that he still is on. He did go to his Doctor Tuesday and got a different kind of medication to try to put the Chrone's in remission. Some of the medication he takes has sexual side effects which seems to always mean that the sex drive goes down.

That is why this is so hard on me. Geez Wiz! We used to have a great sex life. It was the glue that held us together when we would have liked to have killed each other. When we felt like killing each other (and there was lots of that!) we made love instead. We were the original make love - not war couple.

He did tell me that I should be more understanding about his condition and that if it were reversed he would have to suck up too and that I am making him feel bad about something that he can not help.

I feel like a witch sometimes with a capital B.

I can tell you though if I caught him having an affair I would have a hemmorrage! We have always said to tell the other in that case - don't hurt and humiliate - speak up if there is that type of problem.

He has always been a man's man. Loved to hunt and fish, scuba dive, ect. I have always thought he was the sexiest thing in the world and still do. I met him almost 25 years ago and I still think he is the sexiest thing I have ever seen and he was/is as GREAT lover. I just want back the lover that I had because it was a good thing.

I am sorry that your wife took a lover. That is a very hurtful thing that I don't know how someone could get pasted. I hope you find all the happiness in the world because you sound like a hoot. Some of your post are a scream!

Neicie

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Honeypot,
I liked your post and it made alot of sense to me. The next time he gives me the old "we're not 20 anymore I am going to tell him to sell the Harley (and have a camera ready to take that Kodak moment) get rid of the golf clubs and skip the casino because DARN - he's way too old for that young stuff.

Quote:

Have you tried telling him that the "I'm too old" argument just doesn't wash? That if he is young enough to ride on a Harley, etc, that he is young enough to make love to his wife?
His words and his actions are incongruent and I would be pointing that out to him, pronto.





I'm going to do just that. You're right - they are incongruent and it is hurting ME. I don't want to be old! Heck I'm only 44 and I feel young! Well, except for yesterday - I moved a ton (literally) of paint at a Wal-Mart store. I am a Sherwin William sales rep and I moved rearranged an entire deparment yesterday and I was tired. But I thought sex would be a perfect Pick Me Up but I didn't even ask. Didn't want to be turned down. He has a bad cold right now and who needs that?!

I like your rules Honeypot. Makes sense to me. Sometimes it is the small things that count. I feel like Cemar. I want HIM to make the connection not just let me hug him. I tell him sometimes "Honey - it is not a hug unless you are participating. Put your arms around me. It won't hurt!" But I would like for him to come up and HUG ME.

My husband could not be called a people pleaser. What he can be called is an extremely hard worker and diligent on his job to the point of perfection (that is hard to top!)but he does that to please himself and what he thinks is right and wrong. If someone else doesn't like what he is doing all of the Broussard (that is his mother's family and they wear this notion like a badge of honor) comes out in him (he is a little Cajun boy!) and he feels that they can take a flying leap at a rolling donut! No he is not a people pleaser in the normal sense of the word.

Quote:

Anyway, these rules were all simple affection type things and, of course, I threw in "sex twice per week" which he agreed to! I asked for a kiss and hug before going to sleep at night. That sort of thing.




I like the sex twice a week thing! That is great for you! Is he keeping up with his end of the bargain?

Unfortunately - I know I could not expect him to commit to that because of his Chrone's. Some days are diamonds and some days are stones with his problem. If his Chrone's kicks up sex is not on the radar screen at all. I'm sure that when you are having diarrhea 10-15 times a day the last thing on your radar screen would be sex. This is what aggravates me about him though. Most of the time he will not tell me when he is feeling bad. He said that if it were up to him I wouldn't even know he had Chrone's and that he does not like to even say he feels bad because it makes him feel out of control.

He is a little bit of a control freak and I think that because he literally has NO control over his own body that it is very frustrating for him.

Still - your post made some great points and I am going to use them as best I can for my situation.

Thanks Honeypot!

Neicie

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Neicie144,

Thanks for the compliment! I glad some one notices the humor I try to add! My W said I was never serious about anything!

I must have missed any postings about the Chrones, SORRY! I've heard of it, but don't know a lot about it! I've seen it mentioned on this board a lot, and it ends up having the same problem as yours. At least he took the initative to try different medication. Please don't take this wrong, but maybe you b**ch too much, nothing turns a man off more! I do understand that women need attention of all kinds, and when they aren't getting it, they b**ch. When they do, the man pulls further away. Crazy, but that's how it works.

Does he like massages? Does he like you to touch him? Does he like the way you dress? Here's waht you need to do, if you haven't already, get a nice vibrator, and take care of yourself! I know it's not the real thing, but neither is my hand. Ask him if he will give you one night a week, but make sure you're satisfied, so you don't expect too much. Go to a sex shop, get some nice hot massage oil, dress like a motorcycle chick, (I'm sure you've the magazines around the house) And just make it a special night for him! Be VERY patient, let him know you aren't expecting anything in return, except a nice night together. If he responds, fine, if not ask him when he wants to do it again! Make a special night once a week, or every other week! SOMETHING has to turn him on, find out what it is????

Geez, speaking of my hand, I got so excited writing this, gotta go, see ya!


[color:"blue"]T <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />nyP [/color]
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Tony,

You are just a riot. You are too funny and I think perhaps your ex was a little daft upstairs.

I believe most of the posts on Chrone's were from me. It does cause a huge problem but he does have the energy to other stuff so why not use that enery on me - that is the way I look at it. No - I don't go around raising cane with him over not having sex - I vent alot here! But yes I have told him I am upset that our intimacy level has gone down. I love being close to him physically. I think emotionally we are probably CLOSER that we have ever been but I feel that when a spouse if ill it can either bring them closer together or push them apart.

It has brought us closer together in many ways but the sex thing bothers me greatly. He has said it bothers him too - I think what bothers him is he knows how important sex was to our marriage for years. I know that he feels like he is letting me down and that makes him feel bad. The last thing I want to do is make my spouse feel less of a man because this is not something he chooses to have.

He likes for me to touch him and would have no problem with a quickie for him or just oral for him when he is not feeling his best but hey - I'm not chopped liver. When I touch him or have oral sex for him I get turned on like a raging inferno. And if it is just for him and none for me that sucks in a big way. I was never a "lay back and think of England girl". I do like to participate!

Yes he likes the way I dress. I have a closet full of new clothes that are very up to date. My two sons tell me "mom - you're a hot chick!" which I think is funny.

We do have a night out that we try to do every Saturday night. The problem is that he has to take the medication in the evening. It is two tranquilizers that relax the intestines. Well they traquilize all the muscles and he is falling asleep.

Generally when we do have sex it is during the middle of the day when he is wide awake. That is hard to do with 2 teenagers in the house. I have bought some very pretty lingerie recently too. And I have some Harley shirts and I ride his Harley with him. That is nice. I wrap my arms around him and he can't get away!

He was on jury duty last week and finished up early Wednesday and we went to get some things at Target and then ate a nice lunch and then went home and had great sex so I was thrilled.

He asked me what I want for Christmas - to make out a wish list. I wish for great sex of course - but what I am going to ask for is an overnight trip to this beautiful B & B that we stayed at for our 13th anniversary. It is an old Plantation house just outside of Lafayette, Louisiana set in a cane field. That sounds like a great Christmas present to me.

Tony, thanks for the post. You sound like such a nice person - you care about both sides and I appreciate that. You made me laugh too with your last line! What a visual!

Neicie

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Quote:

He was on jury duty last week and finished up early Wednesday and we went to get some things at Target and then ate a nice lunch and then went home and had great sex so I was thrilled.

He asked me what I want for Christmas - to make out a wish list. I wish for great sex of course - but what I am going to ask for is an overnight trip to this beautiful B & B that we stayed at for our 13th anniversary. It is an old Plantation house just outside of Lafayette, Louisiana set in a cane field. That sounds like a great Christmas present to me




Hey things are going great for you Neicie!! That sounds like a great present to me too.

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Honey,

Interesting name, I have an email that is honeybeepot.

Okay, what would have made a difference

I did not listen, I listen to fix, not realizing just keeping quiet and listening was all I needed to do. I could never understand why she said I never listen.

Next her love languages were physical touch, and words of affirmation. My was acts of service. So when I did act of service for her, I could not understand why it did not make a diffence.

Sex, hers went up and mind went down, so like all LD I avoided physcal touch, so she would not confuse it for wanting sex. In addition my testostorone going dowm, I have Chron's disease, so I have a pain in my gut all the time. Puts a downer on sex, Neicie144, can attest to this. Now I did not like to ML at night and she did. I should have forced myself to accommadate her. Also I would not have a TV in the bedroom. And go to bed at the same time on a consistent basis. I am a nightowl and she is early bird.

Next we went to a "normal" marriage couselor, I remember her, saying when I ask if we would get divorced, she say she did not know. So all we did was bitch about each other in the couseling sessions.

So had I had Mars/Venus and love languages sooner, and lastly a SBT couselor, I would have met her needs. The OM was divorced 3 years before he met XW and he learned this stuff after he got divorced, so he was able to suck the XW in.

Other things, she grew up in single female parent household, everyone of her brothers and sisters is divorced at least once, and her one brother is married 3 times.

The funny thing is our martial problems did not occur till after her mother died. I did find out one thing from her sister, that when the XW whine to her mother, she told her to quit whining and work on her marriage.


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Niecie,
Treat your spouse the way you need to treat him to feel good about yourself. When you feel good about "chasing" him then do it. When you don't, then don't.

My H, early in our marriage, used to do some things which were very annoying to me in the name of "teasing." I tried hard to get him to stop. The thing that worked was when I finally told him that my feelings for him were suffering as a result of it. He tried the same things your H is doing...dismissing my lack of enjoyment of his "teasing," telling me it was just in fun, etc. I didn't argue with him. I just kept repeating the same thing in response to whatever he said..."It's damaging my feelings for you." He quit doing it.

Don't know if this approach will help in getting him to stop whatever type of "teasing" he's doing. Just thought I'd throw it out.

Best, MPT

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MPT,

Isn't it a hoot that some people get a kick out of "teasing" others? I think I have a pretty good sense of humor - most people that I have worked with thought I was a scream - but my H said that I don't have a good sense of humor. What I told him was that what he thought was funny - I did not - because his sense of humor was at my expense alot of the times.

He has gotten much better about that over the years but every now and then he reverts back.

I like the solution you came up with:

Quote:

I didn't argue with him. I just kept repeating the same thing in response to whatever he said..."It's damaging my feelings for you." He quit doing it.




The next time that comes up I believe I am going to use that!

Neicie

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Hey Poe,
Just wanted to say that she could have accomodated you, too, by having sex in the morning, etc.

Didn't want to sound like I was doing any bashing. Just curious, that's all.

I agree with you that hindsight is 20/20.

I think that you are a GREAT catch now, though, if that is any consolation!

Take care..

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