New Knitting

[NotCrackingUp]

Hi HurtinHartford
Thanks for the pep-talk! I will go and read up on boundaries. It's hard to break the habits of a lifetime, and I realize that my own mother has spent her life doing what I do : letting others (family, neighbours, bosses...) invade what should be personal territory. So I am really only doing what I've seen her do, in the name of "goodness". Others only take this behaviour for granted and despise you for it, but when you try to change and become more assertive, they tax you with selfishness for doing what they do all the time. My problem is - even at school - that I can easily see the other person's point of view, always. A little voice in my head says that maybe they're right and I'm wrong, I hesitate and the rest is history.

My H came to take this way of being for granted, and when I tried to stand up for my tastes, opinions etc., I had to fight and struggle. That made me feel unreasonable and then I just gave up.It has to do with knowing limits that are legitimate for oneself and setting them up quietly and fairly and firmly. This comes naturally to most people, not to me. I often find myself in situations where I realize that my life is being invaded or not being respected by others, but I haven't realized it on time, the limits haven't come naturally to me.So I react late or don't react until the damage is done. So my H was disrespectful and inconsiderate towards me, grumpy and very absent. I made excuses for him-work, etc.- but in fact he was in an affair and didn't give a curse about me. Another woman would have reacted sooner, demanded more respect, explanations. When I was told, he had his back to the wall and got nasty fairly soon. The good side of all this sorry mess is that I've seen this now, realized where I went wrong and now know some more about my own limits and needs.What I need to do next is learn to respect them and set limits.

Guess what - he asked one of the kids this week if she'd "like him to come back home". Not an anodine question, since he doesn't really talk to me or to them about the situation. He knew she'd tell me. Well, I'm not so sure if I'd want him back at present. I trusted him blindly, that's all dust. I valued him and respected him, it apparently stopped being mutual. He's said some very hurtful things to me in the course of his affair and of leaving. If he is testing the water, I'm not grabbing the phone. He'd need to ditch some of that arrogance and "superiority" and eat humble pie if he came back. The R would have to be rebuilt from scratch. InSeptember, he talked once about coming back for the children. I now know that that is out, as far as I'm concerned. It's for me and to live with me or nothing.

So there you have my current feelings.
NCU