New Knitting

[pinhead]

Chin up!

Persistence with the brats in class will yield rewards.

[NotCrackingUp]

Thanks. But what can I do? there seems to be something in me, too close for me too see it properly, a part of my nature, that lets people know they can take me for granted and discount me. My H needed my calmness and gentleness for years, then it became something he exploited and rejected. Yet I don't believe in arm-wrestling in a relationship or with teens at school. Okay, you shout and punish like mad and get a silent classroom, but where then is trust, exchange? Same for the M. I always tried to compromise and often went along with what he wanted just for the sake of peace and harmony. thought I was being diplomatic and emotionally intelligent, but I became wallpaper. Now it feels like the same wallpaper at school.i really want to find a way forward, but don't want to and can't change my nature. The OW is a self-confident amazon who saw my H stray away from the herd and picked him off, no bother.She's moved on, I think, but he can't see me as W anymore.And I'm having trouble at school. It sems there's something radical I should know/do but I can't see what.
On top of that, a new colleague showed a tiny gleam of interest at the start of the year. I don't want a new R, but would like a date. I've just been friendly, no more. Now he's gone all cold and silent, doesn't speak to me any more. What signals can I be sending out?
NCU

[hurtinhartford]

Hey NCU,

I have read a lot of posts that talk about setting healthy boundaries. I have read a few out of interest because at the moment they were not applicable to my sitch. I would suggest scanning the posts and reading up on healthy boundaries. I think the posters that write the most about boundaries are: Time to let go, Coach, sandi2 and I think robx.

I am type "A" personality so I struggle between the fine line of being assertive, which is good to aggressive, which is not so good...unless I am back on the football field then aggresiveness wins out.

I have read your sitch from day one and from what I gather you would rather give up your rights in order to please someone than stand up for yourself and by doing so have confrontation. Here in the States we call that being a doormat...pookie one of the poster can attest to that, which is his subtitle.

NCU there is nothing wrong in being assertive and standing up for yourself. Set-up those healthy boundaries in your M and in the classroom and you will define your expectations for others: Do you want to continue to live in LIMBO with an H that is free to do what he wants? Do you want your H to come to your home anytime of the day and have free reign in your house? Do you want time to yourself so that you can have a life?

NCU, you have to start taking action and live a life that makes you happy and not sacrificing your life to make your H happy. As long as you stay passive he will take advantage of you (cake eating) and leave you in LIMBO. How are you doing with GAL activities?

[NotCrackingUp]

Hi HurtinHartford
Thanks for the pep-talk! I will go and read up on boundaries. It's hard to break the habits of a lifetime, and I realize that my own mother has spent her life doing what I do : letting others (family, neighbours, bosses...) invade what should be personal territory. So I am really only doing what I've seen her do, in the name of "goodness". Others only take this behaviour for granted and despise you for it, but when you try to change and become more assertive, they tax you with selfishness for doing what they do all the time. My problem is - even at school - that I can easily see the other person's point of view, always. A little voice in my head says that maybe they're right and I'm wrong, I hesitate and the rest is history.

My H came to take this way of being for granted, and when I tried to stand up for my tastes, opinions etc., I had to fight and struggle. That made me feel unreasonable and then I just gave up.It has to do with knowing limits that are legitimate for oneself and setting them up quietly and fairly and firmly. This comes naturally to most people, not to me. I often find myself in situations where I realize that my life is being invaded or not being respected by others, but I haven't realized it on time, the limits haven't come naturally to me.So I react late or don't react until the damage is done. So my H was disrespectful and inconsiderate towards me, grumpy and very absent. I made excuses for him-work, etc.- but in fact he was in an affair and didn't give a curse about me. Another woman would have reacted sooner, demanded more respect, explanations. When I was told, he had his back to the wall and got nasty fairly soon. The good side of all this sorry mess is that I've seen this now, realized where I went wrong and now know some more about my own limits and needs.What I need to do next is learn to respect them and set limits.

Guess what - he asked one of the kids this week if she'd "like him to come back home". Not an anodine question, since he doesn't really talk to me or to them about the situation. He knew she'd tell me. Well, I'm not so sure if I'd want him back at present. I trusted him blindly, that's all dust. I valued him and respected him, it apparently stopped being mutual. He's said some very hurtful things to me in the course of his affair and of leaving. If he is testing the water, I'm not grabbing the phone. He'd need to ditch some of that arrogance and "superiority" and eat humble pie if he came back. The R would have to be rebuilt from scratch. InSeptember, he talked once about coming back for the children. I now know that that is out, as far as I'm concerned. It's for me and to live with me or nothing.

So there you have my current feelings.
NCU

[Piano]

You are sounding good, NCU. Your husband needs to earn your respect and trust again. I also did not learn how to set boundaries - or rather, I would try, with raised voice, which is not an affective way of protecting oneself. My mother resists arguments at all costs, and would sulk to get her way, and so I didn't have a role model to show me how one can state ones needs and have them met or respected.
The things we learn... and have to unlearn!

[NotCrackingUp]

Hi Piano
How right you are. Mind you, I'm not blaming my Mum, far from it. The fact is that I'm only learning at 46 that it's legitimate to state calmly what you want or need, hear the other person out and not necessarily give in to them on the spot. I never raised my voice, but felt a lot of resentment sometimes, so that was not great for my H either. i wouldn't sulk, just go quiet and feel down. I don't mean I want all to go my way, just that I want to be able to hold my ground equally, with others.We'll see if I can put it into practice!
NCU

[pinhead]

Guess what - he asked one of the kids this week if she'd "like him to come back home". Not an anodine question, since he doesn't really talk to me or to them about the situation. He knew she'd tell me. Well, I'm not so sure if I'd want him back at present. I trusted him blindly, that's all dust. I valued him and respected him, it apparently stopped being mutual. He's said some very hurtful things to me in the course of his affair and of leaving. If he is testing the water, I'm not grabbing the phone. He'd need to ditch some of that arrogance and "superiority" and eat humble pie if he came back. The R would have to be rebuilt from scratch. InSeptember, he talked once about coming back for the children. I now know that that is out, as far as I'm concerned. It's for me and to live with me or nothing.

So there you have my current feelings.
NCU

Wow...

This is the voice of a strong woman.

And you're right, he was too chicken to approach you directly. Much safer to use your kid as an intermediary.

Keep focusing on finding more of that sturdy, self-confident core!

[hurtinhartford]

Hi NCU!

I am reading everyone's sitch's in preparation to meet my stbxw on Tuesday. You are right in that there are positives to take away from our M and R issues. I think that I have GAL fairly successfully and have participated in activities that I thought I never would do.

I know that I am a more content and happy than I was while together with my stbxw. I am ashamed to admit it, but I see myself in the actions of your H. I think we become so consumed with our own happiness and what we perceive as obsticles to our happiness that we tend to react negatively towards the obsticle...our spouse when in fact we were our own obsticle to happiness. Either way my sitch heads I know that I will be happy as well as knowing my stbxw will be happy....so we both win.

I see an evolution in your attitude NCU. From a frightened young woman who whould do anything to get her husband back because she needed him for her own happiness and did not feel worthy of others attention. To a confident woman who does not want to give up on her M, but realizes that she does not have to have her H for her to have a fulfilling and happy life.

[NotCrackingUp]

Thanks HIH and PinHead. Not always so confident. I cry like a baby sometimes. But I have grown... teeth. Have to use them wisely. Hope your meeting with your W went ok, not too messy or hurtful. Take care.
NCU

[Piano]

I cry like a baby sometimes. But I have grown... teeth. Have to use them wisely.

So well put, NCU. I will have to remember this.