Lost and Confused

[Chrysalid]

Hi DB's .. this is my first post and this is my story.

I’ve been married to my husband for 8 years. We have had some very good times and some pretty rocky times. The last year and a half have been very shaky, but I never in a million years thought our problems were divorce worthy. My husband is a very reserved man and I’m more an aggressive type, I’m emotional , I shout , I cry while he just calmly tries to analyze everything which in itself is infuriating.. lol..he’s a very stubborn man and when he thinks he’s right even when proven wrong he still thinks he’s right. Over the past 8 years we’ve struggled financially, always seems debt creeps up on us and we would fight about our finances. He got a new job and things were looking up but the more money he made the more he resented a joint account so we argued about that and finally split our finances, then arguments ensued about the split costs of household stuff. Well 6 months after he landed this fantastic job he was out of work and decided to open up his own business, which I fully supported him on even though he could have broke us for good.

A year later around June and during one of our arguments, he said we’re headed for divorce unless I make some serious changes. He then moved him self into the spare bedroom. He claims I’m never happy and that is affecting my persona and our marriage and I make him unhappy. I do have issues I know that, I have some anger issues (just shouting , never physical) I’m not happy with my weight or my job. I can’t change things over night so I picked my battles. I’ve been going to therapy for my emotional issues and I went back to school to better my career and even joined a sports team to meet some people and become more social and active. I thought I was making positive changes in my life, then my husband started hanging out with a mutual female friend , one who is recently separated. I believe it’s an innocent relationship but he was spending a lot of time ‘talking ‘ about our relationship and texting her and meeting her and friends for lunch and at the bar.. I didn’t appreciate this and it seemed excessive and then we started arguing about that, I felt hurt that he wouldn’t talk to me about our problems.. I begged him to move back into the bedroom with me as he moved himself further from me rather than coming together to make things work. He became more distant and then he finally agreed to come to counseling with me. During all this he’d been having new success with his business, he gained a couple of partners and they were doing their new launch in a new building and it was getting lots of exposure and exciting things were happening for him and I’m very proud for him in that fact. But I think because of all these new changes in his life he keeps looking at me like the one thing that is preventing him from moving forward with his life. He’s only 33 so I’m not sure if it’s an early mid-life crisis, I don’t really understand what is going on.

3 weeks ago i thought we were having a break through. He was starting to spend more time at home, we were having dinner together, we were being more civil and he was being more considerate with letting me know when he was going to be late etc. He even came to watch my sports practices. Things were going well, I felt positive, I thought we were on the right track, even having our little laughs like we used to.. then we went to the counseling session and everything went sour. When we got home his whole attitude changed.. he just looked at me and said ‘I’m sorry I can’t do this.. it’s over’ I was just so shocked and my heart was crushed. I couldn’t convince him to continue to go, I pleaded with him for a few nights and he said he doesn’t have the energy to come on my journey of self fulfillment with me or invest in the time to go to the sessions. He said he needs to work on his own things. He says we’ll get over this and once we separate officially , it’ll take time but we can be friends again. I’m flabbergasted that he can think ‘down the road’ as friends but not as a married couple… and he’s all nonchalant saying ‘8 years is okay, we did okay’ . God I’m so hurt and I cry every night and because we are in debt we can’t leave the house right now so we’re basically just living in our separate areas. I struggle every day to keep it together at home , at work, with friends.. it’s so hard.

The only thing that keeps me sane is the positive thinking that because my husband sees everything in black and white that maybe he needs solid evidence of me changing.. like my weight, like my attitude and the fact that we’re living in the same house I thought I’d have the chance to prove to him… however, he no longer comes home before midnight and I don’t see him for days at a time.. I constantly wonder where he is or who he’s with and I don’t think it’s very fair on me.. it’s only been 2 weeks since we went to the counseling session, which I believe now put the nails in the coffin of our marriage. I’m paranoid that he’s looking for someone else and I’m driving myself crazy with my thoughts. I’ve taken on all the blame and I’m making all the changes.

Anyway, through my depression and loneliness and trying to seek answers I found this site and I’m picking up the book this weekend..it’s the only site that truly gives me hope that maybe he’ll come around and he’ll see that we can be happy again and it’s not all lost. I can’t bear to think of my life without him, it would be different if we both wanted out.. I feel like he’s died and I’m mourning him while he’s out acting like its not bothering him in the least.

Any advice or opinions would be greatly appreciated as most of my family doesn’t know yet and the few friends who do know are not very helpful. They think I should move out.. but I’m not ready for him or I to leave yet. I really miss my best friend. Am I doing myself more harm by staying ?

Thanks for listening.

Chrys.

[Ready2Change]

Hey sweetie,

Sorry you are going through this. You are not alone. You have found a great place for support. Come here and vent or seek advise.

I would like to strongly suggest that you spend lots of time here reading and understanding.

You will here this alot here: "Set him free" and work on you.

Become attractive to men. This may draw him back.

HUGS

[idontunderstand]

Hi, Chrys -

R2C is right; this is a great place to learn, to vent, to cry and to get some answers. Ask questions and post often. Most important - READ! You will find answers in other threads. We all have a lot in common.(Unfortunately )

Prepare to hear a lot of advice that, maybe, you won't want to hear. Listen and realize everyone is here to help. It's hard work but worth it. Just remember, you will get through this and it does get better.

[sandi2]

You aren't doing yourself more harm by staying. However,you need to get a totally different thought pattern, okay? You are simply paralyzed with fear and that fear coupled with your low self esteem is causing you to keep him on a short, tight rope. He's pulling forward as you're trying to rope him back. That causes a lot of tension and isn't very attractive.

So he wants changes in you, huh? Well, why don't you do just that? It's all about attitude, sweetie. You get your desparate & clingy ways and do a 180 degree. Instead of him seeing a needy, whiny, pitiful wifey.....he will see a self confident woman who any man would be nuts to leave. So, how about it?

While you are waiting on the DR book, I would encourage you to study this list of what I call the Do's and the Don'ts of DBing. Some tips that you could seriously be working on to bring about those big changes. But, before I copy & paste the list, I just want to tell you this, he has you believing that it's all your fault and you have to be the one to do all the changing. WRONG! First, you become the best person you possible can be....but you don't do it to keep him.....you do it for "you". He will not be satisfied with any changes you tried in order to keep him from leaving you, but we will discuss that at a later time.

You said that you miss your best friend. Well honey, you are going to find a brand new best friend......YOU!

Here you go:

1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and
being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to
make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her
whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an
awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to
move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait
to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until
your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to
speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all
the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self
help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT
actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say
or write.
30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what
you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because
he/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.

[lostandconfused6]

Your situation is so similar to mine, the things he said, how he is acting even the timeline is almost exactly the same. It sounds like he really could be having an affair from what you are saying. Sandi is right he does have you believing it is all your fault, and it is not! Follow the advice on the list, it is so hard, but I think it is so important!

[Chrysalid]

thank you all so much for the advice i've been lost in self doubt and pity and just feeling an overwhelming sense of loss lately. It's amazing how you can be surrounded by people but feel so alone. I"m very glad i found this place, i have a lot of time these days so it's a good thing there is a lot of threads to read.. i'm going to educate myself and get myself through this. I know the next few months are going to be extremely hard and it's going to take every ounce of my energy to be able to concentrate on bettering myself for whatever the outcome may be. I'm hopeful that i'll get my husband back , but i'm also realistic that if i do find myself alone i need to be able to cope and be as happy as i can be and be able to move forward with my life.

I just hope that i can undo some of the damage i've done thus far, the emails mostly.. i can't help myself sometimes and i end up firing off a lengthy email to him trying to ask him to give us another shot. I realize now that i'm doing everything wrong and these actions are counter productive. I'll have to follow the advice posted in the replies and on the forums.

Thanks so much.. here's to a fresh start !

[sgctxok]

Hi Chrysalid,

You can't get more pathetic than I was when I came here. There is always time for a second chance. Even if it's a 37th second chance....just do it.

I love your positive spirit. It's going to serve you well!

Work it girl!
sg

[Chrysalid]

I love your positive spirit. It's going to serve you well!

Work it girl!
sg

lol thanks ! i'm 'trying' to be positive is the main thing.. it's a daily struggle and i had a bit of a breakdown yesterday.. was a long day at work and then i had night class and was biting my lip all night to hold back the tears and when i got in the car to go home i just broke down sobbing.. it's the memories and the future plans we had and thinking about the holidays alone that are killing me. It just breaks my heart. Because we still live together, I had to sneak into the house right past him so he couldn't see my red eyes and nose.. It comes in waves, i'm not always feeling sorry for myself.. some days are really hard to manage and some days like today i feel a bit more positive, it all depends how i'm feeling and what triggers my sadness. I can't shut off the 'fantasy thoughts' though about what I hope to accomplish in the next few months and dreaming of him coming back to me.. I'm sure that mode of thinking isn't all that healthy but it sort of fuels me and helps me move forward.

He is still trying to rush our separation, and whenever he broaches the subject of moving out ,I calmly manage to talk him out of it because financially it would ruin us. He's trying to get his parents to take over our house and he wants to move out as soon as possible, I'm rather insulted by the proposition of his parents taking our home, it's still my home as far as I'm concerned. We have so much debt that it is ludicrous to suggest either of us moving out right now and our house is in the middle of repairs and renovations which will take $$'s to fix. He just started a new business that he's getting off the ground and he can't afford to risk that right now either. I am hoping because we're stuck together that i can make a 180 and prove to him that i'm the person he still loves and wants to be with. I really hope this gets easier, it's too emotionally draining.

I hope you're not that pathetic anymore sg lol cuz it gives me hope

[jollynot]

Chrysalid,
There are some similarities in our situations, so I will follow your thread carefullly!

Sandi2, thank you so much for posting that list. I am going to print it out, put it in my purse and read it when I feel that I may fall apart!

Jollynot

[Chrysalid]

We have company this weekend. A friend of ours has been undergoing medical treatment for over a year now and stays with us rather than getting a hotel. She wanted to stay elsewhere as she knows our situation but I'm actually thankful to have someone else in the house other than just me and my husband.

It's been a weird weekend. We've had dinners together and played video games and even went to a restaurant together. Just like old times. But when things get 'too comfortable' or he starts to laugh at one of my jokes or remarks he just shuts up quickly. It's like he won't let himself be happy around me. I think he's blamed me for so long that it scares him.

I'm trying to just brush everything off and not let him see that it hurts me, I just smile and I'm trying to be charming and things that normally would bother me I'm ignoring. My therapist is helping loads. I know i need to focus on myself and my health and I'm just wondering how long I can take this or how long I'm going to last before I can't do it anymore. I hate living in the same house with a man I love who acts like he despises me. I did nothing wrong. I know this now, I took all the blame for our separation and kept thinking that I must have been able to prevent this. Don't get me wrong, I'm not innocent, nor have I been a peach to live with , but we've had a very hard year or so financially, the new business, his new life, my depression.

I had to break the news to my mom yesterday only because she's trying to arrange plans for the holiday. That was not fun. She immediately jumped on the defensive and started with her man hater crap (she's been married twice). I told her that I was not bashing my husband, that I still love him and I have hope and she needs to respect that and I do not want any animosity or aggression directed towards him because 'if' he is going through some sort of crisis then I am giving him space and 'if' we reconcile I don't want her being awkward or hating him. The last thing I want to do is push him further away. In the meantime, I'm just trying to work on my 180.. this is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I know I'm not alone, but it certainly feels like it sometimes.

and yes.. thanks for the wonderful list Sandi, it'll definitely come in handy