The problem I see here is that all of you lovely ladies have been telling me that the solution is to meet HER needs, just like I was doing early in our relationship. THe books all say the same thing to, DO the things you did when you were courting. We all spend far more time early in a relationship meeting the needs for affections, time together, conversation, etc. So I am getting confused here. I, the HD man, am supposed to romance her like I used to, to in effect be MORE man then I ever was. But the LD women, she should be allowed to change into whatever she wants and no longer needs to meet MY needs?
So what is the point of courtship then, since it no longer matters what you are like since we are all going to CHANGE irregardless of what the spouse wants? How could a person make ANY kind of decision on whom to marry if it is all a LIE?
Quote: How could a person make ANY kind of decision on whom to marry if it is all a LIE?
CeMar, let's say it all was a lie? Not intentional, mind you, but a lie nonetheless. What now?
What if all those books you've been reading make sense to you, but they just don't help? What then?
What you are saying to me is, "I'm doing everything the books tell me to do. I've been doing it all right, but nothing is happening!" You are correct. Your spouse isn't changing into what you want her to be.
No need to have a whining contest. I agree with you. I am not trying to say that a person has to be exactly the same as on their wedding day. I expected a gradual decline in sex and intimacy. That means going from having sex everyday to having sex 2-3 times a week, and still having LOTS of desire. I never dreamed that after 2 years and some kids, that the decline would be 100%. Heck, my sexaul desire has not tapered off at all! It might actually be higher.
Quote: People change and grow all their lives.
I expected this, but this should be aimed at growing and changing positively. Losing your sex drive is a GOOD change? Seem to me that is heading in completely the WRONG direction.
Quote: I don't think it is the changing that bothers you so much. It is the fact that she changed and refuses to meet your needs AND SHE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT THAT. The not caring will tear a person up inside
I agree 100% with this. Her dismissing my needs really shows a lack of compassion.
Also honeypot, I was not trying to lessen the impact on HD women. I think in many ways you have it harder because society really truly does not understand LD men. I know I sure don't. I can never get away from sexual thoughts, THEY ARE ALWAYS THERE 24/7.
Poepad, I will look tomorrow for the book that you have recommended. I could use it right now! I know that my H and I speak different Love languages. Sometimes I think I am just beating my head against the wall with him. Yes - I know he loves me technically. Yes he is a much nicer person by far than he used to be but jeez wiz - would it KILL him to kiss me goodnight? I get so tired of chasing him for his affection. When we discuss it he tells me not to stop trying - that if I give up he will be upset. Well right now I think, "well booty rah tah" who cares if he is upset. HECK - I am upset.
He asked me tonight to make a list of what I wanted for Christmas - all I really want is my husband to act like my lover - not my roommate. I am just feeling pissy tonight. I feel like I am knocking myself out to meet all of his needs - physically and emotionally.
He does give to me - I have a nice home, a nice car, (its just a Camry! No big SUV in my garage!)and I have all the nice conveniences any woman could want - but what I really want is his physical affection.
I realize we have been married 21 years but so what? Does that mean we have to shrivel up and die? When I have complained about the lack of sex in our marriage he always says, "we're not in our 20's anymore" and yet he will say in a heart beat he doesn't feel old!
I am just annoyed tonight and griping about it here. What I have told him before is that I am not asking him for something that is distastful or disgusting. I am asking for something that he used to think was better than sliced bread. Where did it go and how can I get it back without damaging what we do have?
Neicie144: I would give up EVERYTHING in my life if I could spend the rest of my life with a "Lover" rather then a "Live in Cohabitator".
Quote: "he always says, "we're not in our 20's anymore"
This is the way my wife feels as well. It's like she went from 30 to 90 overnight. She ACTS old when it comes to the physical side of her. Other then some physical problems that my wife does NOT have, people can EASILY have sex 2-3 times a week even in their 70's, and probably later. In fact, the national average for people in their 70's is TWICE a week. So based upon my wifes frequency, that would make my wife about 350 years old!
Quote: When we discuss it he tells me not to stop trying - that if I give up he will be upset. Well right now I think, "well booty rah tah" who cares if he is upset. HECK - I am upset.
If continuing to pursue him is making you feel worse, then stop. If he gets upset, then that's his choice and he can decide what he wants to do in response.
MPT, Thanks for the post, yes sometimes I do give up the chase. That is when I emotionally pull back from him. I can't help it. I feel like I have to pull back because it is just to frustrating to continue.
My husband likes to tease me and soemtimes when I have asked him why he does the things he does he replies that he does it just to tease me. Then he says I don't have a sense of humor. Well, I have a good sense of humor but why would you think it is amusing to withhold something from your spouse? I really don't think he does it to aggrevate either. He just doesn't even think of much hugging or touching.
I am a very affectionate person with him. I could hug and kiss him a million times a day but I think he feels like I am invading his personal space.
Quote: If continuing to pursue him is making you feel worse, then stop. If he gets upset, then that's his choice and he can decide what he wants to do in response.
This is where I am at right now. I know that my husband is very much like his mother. My MIL is a funny, outgoing person with everyone but her H. With him (well she is getting better in their old age) she can be a total icicle. She is not a loving, affectionate person with her H but he, on the other hand, tries to be a loving spouse. Granted he can be a pill himself, but he has tried to be a loving spouse to her and she used to freeze him dead in his tracks. My FIL has told my H on more than one occassion that he is a lucky man to have a wife who caters to him and is a loving affectionate spouse and that he wished his wife would be more like that.
So I guess it is in his genes and a learned thing too. I did not come from a physically demostrative family but make no mistake, I knew that my mother, grandmparents, and my extended family LOVED us dearly and that we were the most important things in the world to them.
I know that my H loves me and that I am important to him because he will tell me if he is pressed to do so (like when I have had enought of his roommate treatment). So I feel there is something that I need to change in me not to want/need his affection.
My mother has said that when you stop needing/wanting/expecting something from someone other than yourself that is when you will find peace with your situation. Right now I am not at peace.
I want something that he just cannot or will not give. When is enough all ready for me? I am not talking about divorce. That is the last thing I want. When will I quit expecting something from him that he is just not capable of?
Cemar, my H doesn't act old at all. He works out on a regular basis and has a good body to show for it. Except that he has gone prematurely gray (when he hurt his back it was like he went gray overnight!) he is extremely young looking for his age. He rides his Harley, loves to play blackjack (and wins too!)loves to golf and plays on a regular basis. We are very active with our children's activities also. No he does not act old execpt when he tells me not to expect sex like when we were first married.
I don't expect it like when we were first married but I do expect for it to be on his radar screen!
I think I need to change and than I won't be so aggravated all the time.
"my H doesn't act old at all. He works out on a regular basis and has a good body to show for it. Except that he has gone prematurely gray (when he hurt his back it was like he went gray overnight!) he is extremely young looking for his age. He rides his Harley, loves to play blackjack (and wins too!)loves to golf and plays on a regular basis. We are very active with our children's activities also. No he does not act old execpt when he tells me not to expect sex like when we were first married."
Neicie144,
This guy sounds like one macho dude! A man's man! Are you sure he isn't having an affair???
After my W left, she told me the reason she quit having sex with me while we were married is because she didn't want to cheat on her BF!!!!!
