H's MLC - he is still lost but I found myself

[Mila]

Just discovered that H's behavior towards me can still upset me

Had a business meeting this morning with H....I came and was cheerful and nice, even gave him a big smile when I arrived....Him...gloomy...no smile back. Talked about business for a while...civilized and mutually respectful...and then he attacks....no provocation, just out of the blue...."You think that I'm not doing anything that I don't work hard and that I spend to much money...I said "No, what are you talking about. Did I ever said that to you?"...he replied...with a very hateful and very angry look "No, but you said it to D"....what?????? Where did that come from....never did I tell D that....told him so...couldn't believe how hateful he was "Yes you are telling her these things"...wow...sorry to say that brought the tears out....maybe it wasn't even what he said but how hatefully he said it...how his "monster" came out again.

Calmed down and told him that I never said those things to D. Yes we did have discussions about money with D...she was used to money not being an issue in her life and now I'm penny pinching and being very selective as to what I allow her to buy. So yes I told her that business is doing very badly and we have the extra expense of second household for dad........if she made a conclusion from this that it's all his fault that we have money problems...well what can I say.

Asked him if he thinks that D is OK with all that has happened and did he even consider that it's possible that she is angry with him and maybe blames him for the financial situation? He didn't reply to that.....

Also told him that I don't want to be talked to the way he just talked to me...I don't want to be accused and attacked that I had enough of that in the past year...and that I'm very sad that he has forgotten what kind of person I am. If he didn't he would know that I'm not the kind that would try to poison his child against him, no matter what the circumstances are. As a matter of fact I still feel strong loyalty towards him...don't know why....I care about him and often defend him with others.

If he wants to we can sit down with D and talk about these things. To that he replied NO...I don't want her in the middle of it (hello...she is in the middle of this).

We settled down after and talked about the SA...he is eager to see it and get it all done so I pay off the business debts and he can start tapping into the credit line again.

Must say that he has been working harder in the past month or so and it maybe slowly showing...at least we are quoting and have new prospects...and some smaller jobs are tricking in....

To recap...I'm not as detached as I thought...he managed to make me upset with the personal attack. Darn it....

H is still projecting...deflecting

Here is an article that I think really fits

Feeling Threatened, Covering It Up with Anger and Projecting It on Someone Else

Anger, and the need to look good to protect the fragile self-esteem, is the basis of macho behavior, bullying and aggression. Denial, repression, projection, and blaming others are defense mechanisms, which help you try to avoid feeling guilt and shame. Blaming another person instead of looking at your own part of the problem is called projection.

Judgments, criticisms and labels all function to isolate us from others. Our attempts to project our own painful elements onto other people interrupt the growth process.

Projections are a defensive mechanism where we ignore what we do not like about ourselves and become upset about that same trait in another. They are the disowned aspect of our personality. Blaming others protect us through distractions and help keep a lid on the terror that knowledge of our dark side might provoke.

Projections protect us by keeping a lid on the terror that knowledge of our negative qualities might provoke. You project your own guilt and anger on to others when you judge and label the other person's actions instead of just observing or witnessing them. Carl Jung believed that the projection defense functions like a mirror between the ego and the unconsciousness personality. The negative characteristic that has been disowned which has been tying up psychic energy in the ego will be reflected in the person's daily experience.

What you resist, persists. Projections are warning signals that something is unresolved in your self. Carl Jung said that if you do not know and own the darker aspects of your self, you will project your own negative repressed elements on other people.

The intensity of your anger and projection is a function of one or more of:

* 1.The size of the negative part inside yourself,
* 2. The amount of the denial that you have about this trait in yourself,
* 3. The need of your soul to work out this projection, judgment and criticism.