I have researched narcissism quite a bit, and I do think STBXW has mild NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). I think your comment about needing me as a mirror is spot on. She sees herself through me to some degree, and when I act so distant and disregarding of her, she doesn't like how it reflects on her, and she wants to lash out, at first, then try to appease me if that doesn't work. I don't think she's hopeless though. It's not so much that she wants me to reflect back that she's attractive and charming, as it is she wants me to reflect back that she's a good person.
Spoke with our MC yesterday. She said STBXW is terrified that she's all alone, and if she's now losing me, she's seeking money for security. Ugh. She said I have to work on staying detached from STBXW without being so distant and disregarding of her. Reassure her that even though we're getting divorced, I don't hate her, and I still have a basic respect for her as the kids' mother. It's my complete cutting off from her that causes her to panic and lash out. Makes sense, but who knows?
