Need insight

[InAPickle]

Hi all.
W dropped the bomb 10/24/10
We’ve been M 18 yrs. Married late: I was 32, She 29.
We have a S11 and D16. Here’s the sitch.

We have been “drifting apart” you could summarize for a couple of years. Don’t know why. We just didn’t work on the R I Was even fantasizing about being single. However I have had a classic H reaction to WAW syndrome described in the first chapter of DR. Totally broken hearted.now and want to save the M.

As it turns out W is having a EA with her ex-H from way, way back. It’s a long distance email A. They were married for a couple of years very young, 19 or 20 year olds. She was single after that for 5 or 6 years before meeting me and beginning our 18 years together.

This past spring he “found” her email and initiated contact. Her first instinct was to not get involved and so she did not correspond for a couple of months. But then she contacted him and ever since he has been wooing her (that’s her word) in emails. I happened upon one of OM’s emails in her nightstand, and he’s been like: “I’ve thought about you a lot all these years; We were too young; My marriage is terrible; Take your time baby; I’ll wait for you.” Yes – OM is married – 10 years with a S6.

Now W and I are both from broken families and she absolutely loathes the idea of our kids, especially S11 going through what she went through when her parents D’d. So she comes up with this. We live like roommates or brother and sister until S11 is old enough to handle mommy and daddy splitting, 4 to 6 years maybe. The OM said he’d wait for her so she has no intention of working on our M for all that time – it’s crazy. I pointed out, what he doesn’t wait and the A ends, but she still wants out. Then she said she did not want an “open marriage”.

Anyway she dropped another bomb on me saying she wanted to be “honest” and not sneak around. She’s planning on flying up to see the OM in a couple of weeks. Being an emotional wreck, I am terrified that the EA will turn into a PA. Doesn’t a long distance PA constitute an open marriage?

I’ve had only one session with my DB coach, so we only had time to go over my sitch and talk about a few things. I have pulled way back and I am reading DR. Next session is coming up. I don’t want to waste the next 5 years being a roommate when we could both be working on R and M. I need some encouragement, analysis, ideas, help.