The only problem with that (right now anyway) is he watches the kids for me from when he gets off work til I do. It's just not practical to have someone do the exchange every day, not to mention I don't know anyone with that kind of time. He watches them at my house because as of right now he has no 'home' he's basically couch hopping, since he can't afford half of my place and a place of his own. I do know he is trying, on a very small level to keep contact (he texted me about some iPhone app he found) but I don't reply unless it's to do with kids. I (mindread and fortune tell) think that as time goes on and I don't reply that will stop. I have usually folded by now and said I can be his friend (I've tried the no friend thing once or twice, lasting for like a day, pathetically). I was so scared to lose him completely that I told myself friends was better than nothing. An I don't discount the idea of friends in the (distant) future. But it is unhealthy for me right now, until I can detach. But I can resist. I know I can. I just have to keep telling myself this is for the best and remind myself why I am doing this. Which, thankfully, I finally know why.
Me 30 H 29 DC 9, 7, 2 M 4 years, T 6 years ILYBINILWY Bomb: 8/8/10 He doesn't want to work, I'm slowly getting there too Physically separating end of September
As long as he is in contact he's not going to return.. How can he MISS you being around when he sees you every day?
Discount friendship in the future with him and tell him that... Make it very clear to him that you refuse to be frends with someone who cheats on you... that is the antithesis of friendship...
If you go soft on him like you are, its not likely to bring him back... It just allows him to stay on the fence...
I can't afford a sitter. I make barely over minimum wage and can't make ends meet as it is. (after school care for both is $200/week. I don't even bring that home each month). At this point he sees me less than 10 minutes a day, 5 days a week. Is that still too much? I really don't have any options when it comes to their care yet.
As I thought though, no texts today. I'm pretty sure I won't hear anything except kid/money related until I initiate it. Just based on our history. But I expected that and have to deal, no matter how hard it is.
Me 30 H 29 DC 9, 7, 2 M 4 years, T 6 years ILYBINILWY Bomb: 8/8/10 He doesn't want to work, I'm slowly getting there too Physically separating end of September
I'm trying for as close to zero as I can, but until he establishes residency elsewhere I don't qualify for any assistance, and can't afford any alternatives. It is literally less than an hour a week that I will see him. I did apply for a better shift at work which would reduce the time to almost nothing (maybe 5-10 minutes a week for the weekends he takes the little one) but that is the best I can do. He has basically been missing for 6 months now, only spending an hour with us here or there for a long time. He hasn't missed me enough yet, so I don't know how much an effect this will have on him. Right now I'm doing it for me though. The less I see him the less I think about him and what he is doing. It's hard but it will get easier, i hope.
Me 30 H 29 DC 9, 7, 2 M 4 years, T 6 years ILYBINILWY Bomb: 8/8/10 He doesn't want to work, I'm slowly getting there too Physically separating end of September
hang out with him just as friends don't let him expect anything more if you are having a good time enjoy it if you're not tell him he is a bore and go do something else
Well that goes against what everyone else is saying now doesn't it? Lol.
The topiccame up about me 'punishing' him by not wanting to be his friend. This is what I told him. Feedback?
If you are going to send a letter like below, you should definitely be moved on with your life already or its going to be viewed as an desperate needy attempt or expect a reply like 'ok' i really don't care.
now. were you telling him, you are not part of my life anymore? or. I want you as a lover but not as a friend?
I would be more like a "Friend" and change the locks. Then say, "Look Ahole. We've been married 3 years and now your effing around and stuck ME with YOUR TWO kids. I need a XXXX a month in child support and maintenance. This is the visitation schedule I propose ...
Then I would petition the court to have it automatically taken from his paycheck so you are not waiting and fighting for it.
I know cheating wives that have that made out like bandits in the divorce. You are getting screwed over if all you have is $200 a month.
Then when you see him, he is nothing more than a friend. Wah-la. problem solved. its alot easier to detach when you have cash in your pocket and you are telling them I will always be your friend just don't expect anything more out of me.
Quote:
'I do want to make something clear. My decision not to be your friend is not a punishment. My decision was based on how you have treated me for 6 months, and realistically, 2 years. I stopped talking to XXXXX because she disrespected me. She didn't treat me like a friend. Why should I have lower standards for you? You have not only disrespected me, you have lied to me, hid things from me, betrayed me and our vows, walked all over me and taken advantage of the love I had for you. That is not how a friend treats a friend. If friendship was your goal, you should have treated me, and our marriage, with respect.
This does not mean we cannot be civil, and have a good coparenting relationship for our children. However, unless a time comes where I feel I can trust you and your 'friendship' it is in both of our best interests not to go that route. Unless a time comes where you can stop the continuous barrage of hurt you constantly throw at me, we cannot be friends. No, that does not mean the fact that you don't love me, that means the fact that you have no regards to my feelings, or how the things you do and say affect me. So unless a time comes where that can stop, or a time that I am no longer affected by it, I do not want to be your friend. '
It's $250 and its only for one child. We make almost squat, so it's about right. So far he's paid early, so I'm not worried about that yet (I got November a week ago). The thing is if we are 'friends' he asks me too much stuff about my life and tells me too much about his. It screws my head up. I need to not know anything right now, because the mind games I play on myself start angering me. I NEED no personal contact right now. I need to cut him off, for my own sanity. I can be more casual with him when I no longer care if our marriage works or not. I'm not there yet.
Me 30 H 29 DC 9, 7, 2 M 4 years, T 6 years ILYBINILWY Bomb: 8/8/10 He doesn't want to work, I'm slowly getting there too Physically separating end of September
Me 30 H 29 DC 9, 7, 2 M 4 years, T 6 years ILYBINILWY Bomb: 8/8/10 He doesn't want to work, I'm slowly getting there too Physically separating end of September
Also, to be clear, he still pays half of all the bills here. So he doesn't just give me $250 and call it a day.
Me 30 H 29 DC 9, 7, 2 M 4 years, T 6 years ILYBINILWY Bomb: 8/8/10 He doesn't want to work, I'm slowly getting there too Physically separating end of September
