Quote: I had no problem "performing" sexually. My X and I were intimate on a regular, pretty frequent basis, although lots of time I would just as soon have been reading a book!
You have just described the problem perfectly. HD spouses will always know when you are performing versus really "Desiring" to be there. For men ( I know that this is DEVASTATING TO THE RELATIONSHIP). My wife treats me the exact same way. I want to make love to someone that actually WANTS to make love to me, not "Meet my Need". Any Hooker can perform like you describe. If your man senses that you do not desire sex with him, he will still do it to get his rocks off, but he will also give you a big black mark for "Rejecting Him as a human being". This will also be cummulative, so the more often this happens, the closer he is to finding someone else to meet his need for sex. Don't initate sex with him enough, you will now have just crushed his self esteem and again, "Rejected him as a human being".
I have read most parts of both books that B. DeAngilis has written about men and women. I think I can understand women a little better now, but still have a long way to go. The problem for both sexes is that the way they need to act is the OPPOSITE of what they want. Men need to provide security, conversation, sharing, compassion, etc.. in NON-sexual ways to their spouses(find their more female traits). Women on the other hand, must act more with their Male traits. They must put HEAVY, heavy , heavy emphasis on SEX in a relationship. Read the book about men, VIRTUALLY EVERYTHING RELATES TO SEX TO MEN (at least HD men).
Now that I kind of understand the problem, I still have no clue how to fix it. I do know that if the wife does not COMPLETELY understand this issue, their really is NO hope of solving the HD/LD issue. I find it almost impossible to just try to explain the simple fact to my wife that sex is an EMOTIONAL need for men. How to explain that?
Sorry if I am doing more of my negative venting again. This is one thing I am trying to change about me, when I am with my wife, just to be upbeat and pleasant no matter how bad I feel in the relationship.
