Should I stay, or should I go now?

[WithoutANet]

Going to spew here, as I am feeling frustrated and need to vent.

Last night was okay. We saw "Red" and went to dinner. The movie was good, but neither of us was in a good mood, and I hardly touched my dinner -- the root of my weight loss is this stress. I wasn't planning on talking about the R, but one thing led to another.

I told him I realize that I have to let go of the fantasy I have -- of us, happily together, him filling all my holes. I added that it's important for me, no matter what happens, that I am okay with myself, that I am strong enough to stand on my own, if that should happen.

For his part, he says he is really depressed. He is taking it one day at a time. He doesn't have much emotional energy to put into our relationship. His friend died on duty, and there has been a lot of speculation -- was it murder, was it suicide, was he killed by another cop he was set to testify against... lots of bad stuff. I guess the kindest thing I could do is give him some space, which is counter-intuitive for me. So another 180, here I come. He's keeping regular with his IC, so that is good.

He bought some toys for the kids for Christmas yesterday, without my prodding. It makes me think he is thinking ahead. I don't want to get attached to anything. We also talked about hosting Thanksgiving at our house, which we do every year. I sat in the theater last night, took some deep breaths and reminded myself not to get attached to the outcome. It worked somewhat.

I dressed up last night, put on some makeup and a push-up bra. He didn't notice, but in his state, I am not surprised. I really did it for me. I am feeling better about myself. I am reading some books on self esteem an co-dependence. I also picked up DR again and am skimming through it -- especially the part on the depressed spouse.

I don't know how I feel about him. I don't know that I love him anymore or that I want this M to survive. I know I deserve more, and I know that I cannot expect him to change overnight. I'm tucking some money away each pay day. We plan to review the M in April, so I like the idea of having a financial cushion in place. My IC has been gently suggesting that for a while now.