Sandi's Place

[gutwrenching]

Sandi-
You are such a giving person, thank you, I don't know if you hear that enough but you give a ton to other people. You have certainly paid forward. I for one will be eternally grateful and thankful...
I am very appreciative of this insight and perspective. As you said, piecing is hard, and I don't think one can appreciate how hard until they live it.

I appreciate the candid response. And it actually gives me more optimism and that is always good.

A lot of it is anger and guilt...and that she just needs to deal with it, bury it, put it in its proper place, continue to move forward with us.


Is this what "she's" saying or what you are saying? If I'm reading it correctly I think you're saying that's her thinking about it

That is what she has said. It is close to a quote. She says she knows she wants and needs to feel nothing. Yep, probably the military in her. As I'm sure you remember, she can be tough and stubborn.

Sorry to say, but she will have to deal with the emotional fall-out. The longer she was in the A, the longer it will take to get over OM. But, also it depends upon if she feeds thoughts of him. It's easy to let the mind wonder back into "what if".

Yes, I guess I knew that. Thanks for the reminder though. Now that I know just about everything, the EA lated almost exactly one year. Went deep undercover. And yes I realize she has to deal with the fallout. The sucky thing is that I end up dealing with the fallout too...the wondering if they have started contact again, wondering how much she is suffering, etc.

Wow! I've had to deal with guilt but not like that. Can you explain how she's angry or how it's directed? That's got to be tough for you to know she feels guilty not keeping her end of things with OM. I'm sure she feels guilty about everything, and especially for being unfaithful to you. I would think all those emotions are doing a big number on her and may be hard for her to always name and put in the proper catagory.

She did not tell me she felt guilty for this, but she all but did. That was one of the hardest if not the hardest thing I've had to listen too...the fact that she had "promised OM that I would marry him" and then to find out how early this was done and then to hear the fact she felt she needed to say I'm sorry for not holding up her end of the bargain. And yes, I can tell, there is deep guilt that she has said and talked about with what she did to me and to our M. Many, many times she has said she can't believe the person she became, she doesn't like that person. She has told me there is anger at him. I can't quite follow what the anger is for. I think it is a combo of things: anger at how controlling he was, anger at how he judged her on things only for her to later find out he was a hypocrite about things but other than that I'm not sure. She says to me and she is being honest, we have had a handful of very open/honest/emotional talks that she doesn't know why she has anger. And she admits she still thinks about him. Tough to hear, but again I know she is being honest at least and you have confirmed that...and I appreciate your perspective.

I would suggest that you keep working at keeping the lines of communication open with her. As long as she's talking about her feelings then that's good

Great point. I hate the fact I have to bring it up and get her talking about this stuff, but she has told me more than once that she doesn't like talking about it even when she needs too because she knows hearing this stuff hurts me and she has hurt me enough

Let me share this, as a WAW who had an EA, I would catch myself resenting my good H. I felt like doggie poop and here he was this wonderful man who I had done so wrong

WOW. Great insight. I could see my W feeling this same way.

She may wonder why those feelings linger around, but they will begin to fade......jump back up once in a while,but they will stop.

GOOD!

It took close to two years for things to feel normal again. I don't usually tell people that b/c it sounds very discouraging.....but it is also realistic and I don't want you to think you are not doing something you should be and that progress isn't happening. It just takes a long time when hearts and lives have been wounded on this level.

Although not what I would want, I am not discouraged. I like the story straight up, not sugar coated. I didn't come this far to just give up cause its going to take a long time. But again, thanks for the insight. It means a lot to me...especially with the rough couple of weeks we've had.

We did talk about this a little again this morning. Of course, I had to bring it up. But one thing she said today that was good to hear was the fact that although she really wants to email to him and get this all out of her, she realizes that would open up the door again and that opening up the door to communication with him is not a good thing.

Remember, like you, this EA was all over the phone and computer. Although they met and made that initial "connection/spark" (Oh that was hard to hear about too...hearing about how they both felt this immediate connection when they first met) in person, it was never acted upon until months later when they had both returned home...then it all got started with a computer.