One other thing that I wanted to throw out regarding this is that none of these stressors go away when a WAW leaves her M. In fact, I would argue that everyone involved is just going to have MORE stress in their lives due to the situation. How do these people see walking away as a change for the better?
And this is why removing yourself from the sitch is so important. You were the one constant that they blame. Do not give them more reasons to continue to blame you.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I thought about one of your posts today. How you have come to the realization that quite possibley you were not the best husband you could have been and did not hear what your w was telling you.
it takes great maturity and growth to recognize your faults and to see the other person's perspective. as dbers say you can not change the past but you can the future.
whether you and wife reconcile, you have learned about yourself, i only wish my h would be 1/100th of insightful about himself.
Me 39 H 30 d 18 previous marriage d 2.5 with H s 4.5months with H Seperation Nov09 july i'm dim to dark - set internal deadline
One other thing that I wanted to throw out regarding this is that none of these stressors go away when a WAW leaves her M. In fact, I would argue that everyone involved is just going to have MORE stress in their lives due to the situation. How do these people see walking away as a change for the better?
And this is why removing yourself from the sitch is so important. You were the one constant that they blame. Do not give them more reasons to continue to blame you.
Excellent point! She now has no one to blame but herself. she sure was ornery yesterday, lol !!!
I thought about one of your posts today. How you have come to the realization that quite possibley you were not the best husband you could have been and did not hear what your w was telling you.
it takes great maturity and growth to recognize your faults and to see the other person's perspective. as dbers say you can not change the past but you can the future.
whether you and wife reconcile, you have learned about yourself, i only wish my h would be 1/100th of insightful about himself.
Thanks Jstar. I think I realized that I wasn't the best husband I could have been when she first blew-up on me. It took me longer to realize that I just didn't understand what she was trying to tell me. Regardless, when I finally did accept that there was more that I should do, doing those things just drove her further away. Go figure. Now all there is left to do is to let her figure out what she really wants. Maybe this is it. If so, I will have regrets, but I will ultimately be ok.
thanks to you and to all for your continued support through this hellish period in my life. It is GREATLY appreciated.
Got to my attorney's yesterday and since there wasn't a whole lot to discuss, she took me to lunch before court. Over lunch she told me a nightmare story about another divorce she is handling. Made me happy for my situation.
Anyway, when we got to the courthouse W was sitting alone in the hallway. She looked over at me and atty and I sat down a ways down the hall. We were chatting and laughing. I was very relaxed and comfortable. W seemed stressed out and was a bit fidgety. When her atty finally arrived, we went into a back room of the courtroom to discuss changes to the mediation agreement that W and I had made.
There were a couple of mistakes that we corrected and they wanted to put in that W would care for the kids on mu days during the summer when I was not available. I didn't want that to be a reason that she couldn't go back to work, so I started questioning what that meant. Basically, it boiled down to right of first refusal going both ways. I am fine with that. Once we got this done, She will now have the kids on Mon & Tue nights, I will have them on Wed & Thur nights, we will alternate Fri and Sat nights and She will have them on Sunday nights. On my Sunday's I am to drop them off at her house at 6pm. We have agreed to be flexible with each other and that child supprt payments will be based on equal placement, even though she has them every Sunday night.
After this, they wanted to talk about what was left to be done. Split property? Already done. At this point W decided to gripe about some things that I took when I moved that were on her list. A small glass end table and all of the tools, which we said we would split. We had already agreed that I would keep the table and she could come over and we would split the tools at any time. I didn't have time to do it when I was moving and I had already brought her a nice toolbox and all the hand tools she is going to need, so I said "Maybe you should have stuck around and supervised then." My atty said to me "Enough." Her atty asked me to return these things and W said no, it was ok, we had agreed that I would keep the table. Cars, already taken care of as part of the other property.
All that leaves is the Alimony and the house to be decdided. They informed us that W wants to try to keep the house and we need to get official appraisals done to determine any buy-out payment. I'm actually good with that, but the only problem is that she isn't going to be able to swing the financing on the house on her own. She just won't be able to afford to live there. It should be on the market already, but this will just be another delay. Fine.
What about the fact that I am paying way more than I should have to under a normal agreement? My attorney contacted W's attorney about an adjustment, but she won't agree to anything. So, my atty is going to file a motion with the court to have an adjustment made. We shall see.
Our final court date is now Feb 15th. How nice, a Valentines Day divorce!!! My attorney says that she likes our judge, that he is not real big on large alimony payments in the first place and he won't appreciate that W is just sitting on her a$$ and isn't doing anything to find full-time employment, so that should work in our favor! Maybe it will be a happy Valentine's day after all!
Going out for dinner and drinks tonight with some friends, so the weekend is starting off well!
Good luck to all with your sitches and thanks to everyone for your support!
One thing I forgot to mention was after court, as we were going back to atty's office, atty asked me why my W was so angry. Said she was sitting there pouting the whole time and sniping at me about stuff. I told her that W is probably upset at having to give up her kids. Atty said, tough, she is the one who wanted this. I also told her that I don't think this is what she really wants and that many people say she will change her mind. Atty said W is blaming everyone but herself for her problems. Atty has only had contact with W twice in court, and one time they didn't even talk. Either she is astute about these things or I have jaded her against W.
Wither way, it is what it is.....Dday would be proud of that!
I would like to suggest that you reflect on this more:
Originally Posted By: DanF
Regardless, when I finally did accept that there was more that I should do, doing those things just drove her further away. Go figure.
My understanding is there is a deeper level to the onion. The "bitching" comes from the subconscious based on the disconnect in the relationship. Your timing was off on doing the things she complained about and was viewed as pursuing.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I'm sure, in a way, you're glad to be getting this over with and moving on. You are one step closer to getting your life back and leaving the drama behind. Good for you!
I know what you mean about the W being bitchy when you did things that she wanted. I know what R2C means, too.
Quote:
My understanding is there is a deeper level to the onion. The "bitching" comes from the subconscious based on the disconnect in the relationship. Your timing was off on doing the things she complained about and was viewed as pursuing.
When we get the bomb, it serves as a wake up call. By the time we wake up, it may very well be too late. The changes we make are for the better. As you know, my W doesn't want my help, either. She would rather stress herself out and be able to say she can do it ALL than ask for help from me. I have always helped with the kids and the house. She is miserable here at home. Like Coach said, I'm sure she feels trapped. That is her choice and it was your W's choice. Don't beat yourself up too much.
Keep up the good work. Your PMA shows in your posts. I have no doubt that you will soon prosper and be better than ever. Carry on!!
Went out with my friend tontight. Had some fun. but nostly got depressed. all the women were already with guys and I wished I had my W with me too. Got home and feeling sorry for myself again. Wished my Dad was still alive and wished her dad was still alive too, as I think he would be on my side, but who knows. Too many drinks again and it leads me into despair. I will be fine. just cant help but feel that all is lost.
