Well, we did it. We figured out the details for "moving out". I stayed pretty emotionless. It was interesting to watch the full impact of this hitting him. He was a little bit taken aback by the bills that he would have to pay. I am asking him to pay half of the house payment for the first two months. He needs to pay the car payment for his car, half the insurance, half of the college loan, and half of the credit card bill. After the first 2 months I am not having him pay the house bill anymore. I don't think it is too much to ask him to pay half of the mortgage, is it? Then as far as custody goes I said that one of us would have our son from 5:00 Friday to 5:00 on Saturday and the other would have him from 5:00 on Saturday until 5:00 on Sunday. He did not love this plan - because what if he wants to go out of town? So I am already messing up his new "party boy" life style.
The only time that I broke my calm a little bit was when I said that I was putting trust on the line once again, but not getting a lawyer involved at this point. He said that if I wanted to get lawyers involved that was fine, but to stop acting like he was going to screw me over, because that would be screwing over his son and he would never do that. And I got mad and said technically he already was, because it was not in our best interest to be living separately right now. It was going to kill us financially. And he said " while I don't want to live under the same roof with you right now". And I said well that's fine, but don't sit here and tell me that you have our best interest in mind when clearly all that you are thinking about is what you want. From the DB standpoint I know I am supposed to stay calm and positive. But I have done this now for a long time, and taken so many mean and unfair shots. It feels good to stand up for myself.
One part about our conversation that really did bother me was that when we started the conversation about moving out I said- So when are you planning on leaving? He said - I have decided that I can stay until Thanksgiving if you want. (This was a change from our original plan, he said originally he would be leaving this weeek) I said "I don't know if I can do that" I thought for a moment and then said "what do you want to do". He said "I want to move out next week." I said that's fine then, we will do that. Was this the right way to repsond or should I have had him wait until Thanksgiving?
I don't know if I can do that" I thought for a moment and then said "what do you want to do". He said "I want to move out next week." I said that's fine then, we will do that. Was this the right way to repsond or should I have had him wait until Thanksgiving?
Perfect.
The soooner reality hits with him the better. With him gone, i think you can focus on what you have to do regarding dbing. Being strong like you have been is fantastic. What is there to be gained by staying longer . Just misery.
I understand how you feel. It's going to be alright.
There will be moments like this but they'll get fewer and less strong over time. That's the positive aspect of detaching. It feels sickening at first but you'll feel better in time. It's like a withdrawal. Just let it pass and be patient with yourself. Take good care.
Here is my question- if there is anyone out there who has a thought on it. How do you leave the door open for reconciliation and still stand up for yourself when they are moving out? One thing that he doesn't like about me is that he feels I always have to win an argument. So in my 180 I have tried to back off a bit and listen to his opinion. But it is hard when he is moving into an apartment that we can't really afford and doesn't want to have to pay for his part of the mortgage.
So we will be in the house together for another week. It is in my best interest to start detaching now or do I continue to have conversations with him and maintain a friendship until he moves out?
I get so confused. He is planning on moving out on Wednesday, but he will still sit out with me at night and watch t.v., he still eats dinner with me, and wants to talk about my day. Do I continue to have conversations with him and act as if everything is normal or do I ignore and start to detach?
If anyone reads this tonight I could use some advice. I have been doing a good job with the 180 for the last few weeks. I have been doing my own thing, staying positive, no R talk, etc. But my husband is scheduled to move out on Wed, and today we sat down to talk out the details of him leaving. I get emotional every time we talk about my son. So even though i think i have reached a point where I am ok with him going, when it comes to sharing my son I start to lose it. As we talked about the details I did ok, but listening to how "positive" he is about the whole situation made it hard. He acts like this does not hurt him at all to have to do this. I finally said to him, even though i know i shouldn't have, "Is this really what you want?" wrong thing to say. That's when he gets cold and defensive. "I knew you would try to talk me out of this again" he said. I tried to defend myself by saying that I was not I was just asking. Then I asked what his relationship with ow consisted of at this time. Again, cold and defensive. "I still talk to her, but it is not a relationship." he said. I said can you at least admit that is part of the reason that you are doing this? He said "it is a percentage". I told him how mad that made me that i continue to protect him and his job by not saying anything, but that he continues to hang out with her at work. He said that it was not what i think it is, and that if they were going to have a relationship this time they would do it the right way like they should have the last time. I know I need to go back to detach mode but more than anything this conversation made me want to start asking questions about the ow again. We separate on Wed. Do you think that there is more going on with her than he is saying? Is there any hope to tyring to save this still?
