See I have absolutely no problem doing that. I feel like it's ok to ask as long as you don't come off as desperate or do it to often. Sometimes I just get the feeling that even that goes against everything and you shouldn't do anything until she comes to you from what some people say.
I suggest you listen to all advice you get here. Only you know your W enough to make the right choices.
What I see is a woman who is confused full of guilt and with very low self esteem right now. She knows she did wrong.
She seems to miss the good times together.
Now, I also have to admit that all of that is YOUR story from your POV.
Use caution. If you make a mistake learn quickly what worked what didn't.
Expect setbacks and unexpected spew. Expect to be tested for your actions.
When good things happen don't get overly excited or become a melty man. No crying, no ILY's. Your fighting for your family one battle at the time. Expect to lose some.
Read Coach's tagline.
Oh and make sure OM is gone. If he resurfaces bring halt to everything.
I know it's confusing reading the books & the board. You know your W better than anyone and I think that is the basis of making most decisions. We can give advice from our personal experiences and what we've learned through books....but we do not know your W personally. I believe much of that applies to relationship books. Even when I know the author is more educated or experienced in that field.....there are some things I know would not work with "my" H.
For a while, there was a lot of talk about a new book that come out, and the book was good......if you didn't have a WAW in an A!! However, if you did then that book was totally pursuing. Yes, the LL principles could be pursuing, especially if the couple is separated. I confess that I had to go back and read your thread. What I should have said was if your W's LL is not words of affirmation then you would have to learn to communicate and show her your love in a different way. But I mainly wondered if you "knew" what her LL was.
I agree that she sounds like she is depressed and has very low self-esteem. So, what did OM do that made her feel good about herself? Did he say what she wanted to hear, or did he buy her little gifts, etc.
I'll get back with you, but I've got to go for now.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks for everyones responses. While I might be at a loss sometimes on what advice to apply I appreciate everyone taking even just a second of their day to respond. Sandi, as far as what he did I don't have any idea. In my oppinion he was at the right placemat the right time. She felt lime something was missing and that maybe doing that would fill it. From what I discovered they only talked or texted once or twice a month except for the time that the act took place. Those few days there were very long phone calls.
Time, my wife just packed up and left a few months ago. If I've learned anything from this it's that most of the things that I thought were scary in life really aren't that big of a deal or important and that includes rejection. So please don't hesitate to tell it to me straight up I appreciate that.
Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
We're all here for the same reason. The real thanks go to the ones who have successfully reconciled and are still taking time off their busy schedules to help folks like you and I and many others.
Sandi, you mentioned that at one time you were in a similar state as my wife. Was it just a matter of you having to come out of it on your own or was there something that your husband did to help you. Right now part of me really feels like there is nothing that i can do to help her out of it, if anything i feel like i just make it worse.
It seems as if that should be a simple question to answer, doesn't it.... Hard for me to do that with a few words.
I had been going through several years of so much stress that it finally took a toll on my body, not to mention my mental/emotional health. I can actually look back and can tell when I started to shut down. I became so depressed that I felt as if I had been dead for years. I felt that my H & I had nothing at the end of the day. I had tried for years to get him to be emotionally intimate with me....and it just wasn't going to happen. I was desparate to "feel" something.
I began playing computer games. It started out innocent but when I went to playing Internet games, then the flirting started.
Talk about being in a FOG, that's an understatment! I even thought that my H didn't know enough about computers to check up on my activites. Oh, but he did!
He confronted me in a firm but loving manner. After that.....I started an on line EA. Sickening, huh? So, my H confronted me about the OM. Each time he confronted me, I'd go deeper underground with my EA.
One night the stuff hit the fan and I headed out to my mother's house and really thought I was leaving him for good. But, he did a huge 180 on me. He called my mother and said, "Make sure she tells you everything". I nearly hated him for that! I told him if he ever told my children that I would hate him until the day I died. He said nothing in response, just looked at me.
Anyway, things were not good for several weeks. In the meantime, I still found ways to contact OM without my H knowing. What I didn't count on was the fact that one of my children (who are grown) would accidently discover my activity on the computer. My grown D confronted me of her knowledge of my EA. Do you think I wanted the earth to open up and swallow me? You bet your life I did!
About the same time, I had come here to the board seeking help. There have not been many of us WAW's who are in an A come here for help, let me tell you. But, I did receive so much support and I give credit to those people who showed me the light. That's why I'm still around today.
It was several things like this was wham, wham.....all hitting me at once that got my attention. But, it still took time for me to make that final decision to cut the EA off and stop contacting OM.
My H did not have DBing principles to help him and he did most of the no-nos. He finally decided that he could not make me love him and he backed off and left me alone.
It took me a long time to get through the mourning for OM and mostly the fantasy and thinking I had sacraficed my happiness for my family. My H was supportive except I did ask him to go to C with me and he would not.
Was there one thing he did that helped me? I would not say there was "one" but everything worked together for me to get my eyes open and realize that OM was not what I fantasized. I know that my family was worried sick about me b/c that woman in that EA was not Sandi. I had a lot of prayers go up for me.
I wish I could give you a magic or secret that would make her wake up. If there was one.....I'd say that the WAW who is in an A must suffer the loss of something. At least,afraid of losing something. I believe every person has that one thing (at least one) that is the most important and helps them decide which way to go.
I'll tell you what mine was. I know, you are thinking it was my children, right? That's the normal answer. Let me say it this way.....if my H had exposed me to everyone, I would have left town. Why? B/c I had always had a good name in my family/community. I may not have much.....but I had an excellent name and I wanted to protect that. (Ironic, I know) So, there are some cases where exposure to "everyone" is not the route to take. If the M is not going to survive, then yes, bust the A on the way out, but I think people should not go showing the whole town their personal stuff when the H discovers what's going on with his WAW. One man did that based on some advice here, and his W who was having an EA left him. He thought by exposing her in the beginning of things would "fix" everything. Needless to say, he was pretty torn up for not trying to talk with her and do things a bit differently. I hope I'm making sense and don't sound like I'm contradicting. I do think there are those cases where it has to be done, and the kids have to be told.
I have never been the same since all of that happened. My M survived the crises and my children still love me, but I will always feel that I allowed myself to be lowered in the eyes of my family. I used to be a role model for them. I don't think I will ever be in that "place" again. Maybe that is why I have a problem in exposing mothers unless there is absolutely nothing left but to divorce. Contrary to how it might sound, I'm not suggesting people lie to cover up. Hope you understand that .
Sorry, I took up so much time and probably didn't answer your question. I hope I haven't confused you.
I so hope your M will survive. I can't stress enough how important it is not to pursue your W.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
