I think once the WAS has clearly and consistently indicated a desire to reconcile, then you can start to accept and initiate invites, to try to repair and heal the marriage. As long as they're still waffling all over the place, accepting or initiating an invite just maintains the limbo.
I think once the WAS has clearly and consistently indicated a desire to reconcile, then you can start to accept and initiate invites, to try to repair and heal the marriage. As long as they're still waffling all over the place, accepting or initiating an invite just maintains the limbo.
Playing devil's advocate...without family time (or some other contact), how do they see the "new you" / 180's / etc.?
Or are you suggesting that them feeling you pull back/not focused on them is a stronger message than any face time might provide?
Also, would you the say the same in cases where there was neglect and little family time before the bomb? (i.e., where there would be less of a sense of loss from the pre-bomb situation)?
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
If there are kids involved, you will probably get times to show the "new you" that don't require any extension of invite whatsoever, as in kid's sports events, school events, birthdays, etc. I think one of the most powerful ways to show the 180s is when the WAW finds out from 3rd parties. It's a double win, because it piques their curiosity, and they may wonder why you didn't tell them. Plus, they certainly can't accuse you of fake changes just to impress them!
I'm not about to get any invitations, but my H calls around on errands to do with kids, outbuildings etc. Is now fairly pleasant and seeks civil chit-chat, not aggressive and rejecting as in the past. I don't text or ever phone unless kid-related emergency. Only talk about kids, otherwise just listen and nod. Not sulking, I smile until it hurts. He kisses me on the cheek on arrival (custom here) but now also as he goes. Asks me about things other than kids. Volunteers information about his life. So where from here?
I've occasionally given him some things to heat up for dinner when he's got the kids. Is that pursuing? How can one draw the line between being a doormat, pursuing and going counterDB and being civilized, encouraging decent behaviour (where before there was none)? I'm trying to remain just and kind, am I just being a mug? NCU
Me: 46 H:42 Together for 18 yrs, married 14. 3 children: 2 girls 13 and 10, one boy 7. Husband had affair, ended it and then decided on separation. Separated 08/2010
XYZ, I'm sure you are very relieved, but take it easy. Hope hurts, sadly. I hope it's genuine, but just keep your cool a while. Good luck. NCU
Me: 46 H:42 Together for 18 yrs, married 14. 3 children: 2 girls 13 and 10, one boy 7. Husband had affair, ended it and then decided on separation. Separated 08/2010
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
Tell her you need a few days to think about this. Expect her to call when you tell her this. Say that so much has happened that you're not sure what you want to do.
this is great news, but please do what pinhead says. You need to make sure of things, you need her to be sure she is all in, do not rush. Min of 24 hours...few days even better
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
