Do not file unless you want to divorce her. Don't do it as a tactic.
I get this part. I won't do it as a tactic. My L is retained and W has questioned why I hired one if I don't want a D. I have answered to protect myself and the kids.
Quote:
Think about what she needs to feel safe to leave...
Please help me flesh this out. I am a good dad. She doesn't have to worry about them being with me. What else?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
So, how to put a stop to it. Do I file myself? I know it's a personal decision but I am asking the question. Is that the way out and the way for me to heal from this mess.
Our sitches are very similar with one exception; to the best of my knowledge, my W isn't having an affair.
Have you given her the "I won't live in an open marriage" spiel? If not, you need to think about it. If you have, and she's still carousing with the OM, then you need to think about the consequence you told her.
Yep, we had the talk and I told her the Rob/Puppy script. She has stopped going out after board meeting and the such. The calls and txting slowed down or stopped for a while and now are back up and running. To what extent, I'm not sure but any is too much for me.
I guess I know the answer to my question. I'm sure it looks weak on my part staying and not filing. I want her to be the one to do so and to leave. I guess it's beyond that and in my own hands. I want to be able to tell the kids I never gave up and never stopped fighting. I'm not giving up on them, just facing the reality that my M is over. Something I still haven't done yet.
Pin, the similarity of our sitch's hasn't escaped me. I followed along closely when you were thinking about leaving. I have felt the same. You have decided to stay. I will not be the one to leave my house, either. Filing seems so final. I know that's not neccessarily the case. I don't guess I'll ever know until I find the guts to do it.
Did you put a transparency plan in place when you said "No open marriage...?"
I did. Also key logger, GPS, so forth.
Quote:
If you did, start exercising it. If not, shame on you.
Yeah, well....She sleeps with her phone, showers with it, and when I do look at it, she is smart enough and has time to erase the msgs. I do look at the billing but the individual txt are not listed. It drove me crazy for a long time. How much proof do I need? There were never any 'I love you's, or can't wait to see you,' or any such. Just the sheer number of them, the flirty tone of them and the times, day and night.
Quote:
And if I file, I still won't leave my home. She'll get the boot...
Yep. If I can afford the house, I would love to keep it.
Im willing to bet your kids have a good idea of which parent has been there for them, values them and tried to keep their family together, no matter whose name is first on a divorce affidavit. But if you stay indefinately, you might run the risk of your kids growing remembering that you let your wife run around with someone they have to see at school, everyone in school and town knows it, and you did nothing to stop it.
And if you really want to keep the house, starting the divorce process is the best way to do it. There is probably no other way to force things to change or to get her out.
You are contemplating buying a fixer upper and moving out, but not filing for divorce? Is moving out and spending all of your time fixing up a house and stressing about two mortgages, while your wife stays in your house on your dime and completely beyond your control really any better for your kids?
Im willing to bet your kids have a good idea of which parent has been there for them, values them and tried to keep their family together, no matter whose name is first on a divorce affidavit. But if you stay indefinately, you might run the risk of your kids growing remembering that you let your wife run around with someone they have to see at school, everyone in school and town knows it, and you did nothing to stop it. And if you really want to keep the house, starting the divorce process is the best way to do it. There is probably no other way to force things to change or to get her out.
You are contemplating buying a fixer upper and moving out, but not filing for divorce? Is moving out and spending all of your time fixing up a house and stressing about two mortgages, while your wife stays in your house on your dime and completely beyond your control really any better for your kids?
