Always and Forever??????

[25yearsmlc]

IB,

I think you're getting a lot out of this site and that's great. I did too. Yes I've got 2 family members who div and remarried. But that's SO far ahead of you and frankly, not that likely. Why spend ANY energy on it at all?
Remember, your time should be spent ONLY on YOUR life and YOUR Children's. Zero on him. ZERO!!

I think 2 other comments are in order, and of course, feel free to ignore if you wish.

First, why would YOU ask HIM what HE wants or thinks is fair as far as legal and financial matters? He has no idea what's fair, and that task is NOT something you will "win" on. Why? B/C either you will roll over so you don't make him "mad at you" (b/c then what would he do? Leave you? OH wait he ALREADY has left you) b/c I can tell you still want to please him, even now.

OR, instead of rolling over, you might assert yourself and try to get what's actually fair, which will infuriate him. Gee, that sounds appealing.

So hire a L and let the L do their job! The ugliness of div is best left to the L's. That's why you hire them and that's also, incidentally, the most conflict free way to do it, which MIGHT remove an obstacle to reconciliation WHILE also protecting your interests. "Blame the L's" so you remain separate & apart from the dirty business, at least in his mind.

Plus, If you Don't get mixed up in it you won't spend any of your time and energy on it. You know you have to hire a L anyhow, at some point, why not now? Frankly, knowledge is power, many of your fears could be allayed. Plus you may do well to have a L who makes the true cost of divorce known to your h as soon as possible. I seriously doubt he knows what's coming.

Last, your signature says his "MLC" has been since '04? There are many who say MLC's last years, and I don't necessarily disagree. But what's the point of that label at this stage of things?

How long does one wait? That's a chunk of your m. I don't want to hear about "Standing" from people who are standing still. They literally think if they do the ostrich thing (put their head in the sand to avoid reality), call it "MLC" and just pray, all will be well. It might be well in their souls, b/c hey, prayer has some power. But it does not bring about change in THEM if all they're doing is praying for his return, nor does it usually trigger a change in the M dynamic, so the M stays the same and the chance of true recon and restoration of that same marriage, is remote.

And this much time in "MLC" could well be a sign of something else, difficult to face but needed. Your h's behavior has been evolving or devolving, into more and more selfish, "sick" behavior for 6 Years now...and finally it has culminated in his filing for divorce. It's a path he has been on for a long time and he's not necessarily on a round trip. It looks more and more like his trip is one way.

If I were you, I'd lose the MLC label for now b/c I truly think you're using it as a crutch and it's holding you back. Assume he's GONE and you must move on as if he died in '04 b/c in a way, HE did....so how about no more diagnosing him either. No more mind reading...please. It's SUCH A WASTE AND LIFE IS SO SHORT...you only get one life on this earth.

So now what? Moving forward does not mean giving up. But you must move forward. And hire a L if you have not already. Don't tell me you cannot afford one b/c honey, you cannot afford NOT to hire a L....(IOW, don't be penny wise and pound foolish.)

Good luck,
j