First - please re-read Alb's and Grits post to you. Especially this quote.
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FORGET EVERYTHING YOU KNOW AND STFU AND LISTEN TO THIS FORUM!!!!
As Grit pointed out it sounds like your M (and FTR, mine too) was a typical parent/child R. and RIGHT now YOU W has decided to become an adult. Sucks doesn't it...OR DOES IT.
You see, what I see in YOU Bobby is a relucance to face this reality.
Everything you always post is about your W. Everything.
Let me ask you a question....
If your W died tomorrow (and I hope she doesn't), and the kids were married and out of the house. You were retired. What would you do?
What hobbies do you have?
What do you like to do?
Did you ever have a dream that maybe due to finances, or kids, or something else you never achieved pursued?
What Bobby will you do IF you W files?
What Bobby will you do for YOU?
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Eric and Truegrit I love you guys and I am sorry I did not recognize your efforts on my part. These are greatly appreciated. I enjoy sports and woodworking. I volunteer my time to the ballet studio my daughter performs at. If my wife files then we go through the process. It is just a piece of paper. I am Catholic so the only recognized wife under God is my wife. You can marry again if legally divorced but the church only recognizes your first marriage. I would love to travel and learn ballroom dancing. I would go on a cruise which I have never done. The biggest problem I have had is listening and to that end was a complaint of my wife. I know I have to fix me and maybe if I do these things my wife will find me attractive again. I need to read about codependence because that is an issue we have had. Thanks again for your help. Bobby O
I would love to travel and learn ballroom dancing. I would go on a cruise
So what is stopping you from doing these things now?
I joined a dance class early on in the bomb and honestly dude - it was the best thing I did.
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I have had is listening and to that end was a complaint of my wife.
Do you really believe this OR is this just a consistent complaint from your W. If you believe it - work on it.
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I know I have to fix me and maybe if I do these things my wife will find me attractive again.
For now...why not try to fix you and fall in love with yourself again. Don't worry about your W right now. She is on her own path.
I highly suggest reading codependant no more - great book as is Divorce Remedy.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Hello to Eric and all. I did go out and buy the book Codependent No More and have read about half of it. I find it to be helpful. I have been off this week and spent a lot of time working outside and watching some movies from Blockbuster. I have a picnic tomorrow afternoon and will see my mom on Sunday. I decorated the front of the house for Holloween and bought candy for the children. Keeping busy has kept my mind off of my situation. I have had 4 visits from my wife which were all unannounced and she appeared concerned about finding a job and supporting herself. I was friendly and upbeat and I listened to her concerns but offered no solutions. I think she was surprised that I got in the Holloween spirit and she noticed the work around the house. She kept telling me that " I dont't know what I am going to do". I almost felt that she was hoping I would say come back home but I figure if she does then she will let me know in due time. I am trying to be strong and let her figure out what she needs to do for her. Hope all have fun this weekend Bobby O.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
The more I have detached the more my wife seems to call and come by my house. She is trying to find work and has asked me to help her find a job. I gave her the name of a job lead the other day and she is supposed to have an interview. She seems nicer and now will wait and hear me speak when she has said something. There seems to be less anger on her part. I still remain detached and she called me at 530 am today to talk in general. I am not reading anything into this and will stay the course. Bobby O
I think you are starting to see that detachment and treating our spouses with respect can alter the situation. But what is important to remember is that the detachment is for YOU. It is so that YOU can deal with the crazy that comes your way without letting it get to you. You are still SO focused on "getting your W back". You CANNOT do this. She must CHOOSE to come back. Don't stay the course for HER. Stay the course for YOU and work on YOU. If she does choose to come back, it's not going to be for the same old Bobby O. She's tried that and wasn't interested. Work on YOU!
"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"
M18 Me39,H42 D16 Bomb 1/10 Moved out 3/10 OW 6/10 H wants to R,OW gone 11/10 H moves back 5/11 H wants to wear rings again 9/11
I still remain detached and she called me at 530 am today to talk in general. I am not reading anything into this and will stay the course.
This is the BEST part of your post IMO.
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Don't stay the course for HER. Stay the course for YOU and work on YOU. If she does choose to come back, it's not going to be for the same old Bobby O. She's tried that and wasn't interested. Work on YOU!
AND READ again and again….what ALB posted up there ^^^^
So Bobby, what else is going on in YOUR life?
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
You all are so right. My biggest focus has been on me and that has been my area of concentration. That book Codependent NO More by Beattie has been helpful to me. I know she would be looking for a new Bobby. I have been staying busy with my hobbies and work and friends and family. She has been calling multiple times but I do not take all her calls. I figure if it is important then she will leave a message. I will keep reading and learning. Thanks Bobby O
