We had a discussion. I told her NO CONTACT means NO CONTACT. She said so "this is a deal breaker for you..?" I said um YES!!! Told her there can be no maybe... has to be her boundry and I cannot accept part time contact period, not even in a controlled area, situation.. I told her it is unacceptable.
I was calm, I was tactful, I was firm.
She said so what do you propose? I said that is her decision but it really boils down to what is more important? I told her the Marriage should be the most important thing in the world.
She said what if I go on nights he is not there?
I asked how will you know?
I told her she should call him and tell him she is a married woman and wont be in ANY CONTACT with him and they need to change class nights to ENSURE they are not at the studio at the same time. Period... She said she would do that.
I told her bluntly, it is him or me and I am not sharing.
She made our son dinner and then pouted all night.. at the end of the evening I told her I am going to bed. she said okay and she was stunned when I went to my room... she asked "are you going to sleep with me?" I said no, I am tired and I have some things to think about and I really want to read my book"
she asked me 30 minutes later to come read my book with her and then come back down to bed if I wanted.. I agreed. She hugged me and said she missed me.
She fell asleep on the bed, I got up and as I was leaving she asked are you really going down stairs? I said I was and she said I can sleep here... I said thanks and then went down stairs.
Her move...
M:42 W:39 S:9 M:20 T:25 D-bomb: 30 Sep 10 Wife changed her mind: 31 Oct 10 Working on it: 31 Oct 10
Yeah, this situation sucks. I really wish you would see your family therapist before you make more suggestions about how exactly to implement NC though.
Here's my thinking. So TKD is important to her. Fine. Is her marriage important to her? So what was she thinking when she initiated an affair at her TKD classes?
We make choices in life. Our choices have consequences.
There's an old platitude about romances in the workplace that could be updated for this situation:
Don't crap where you eat.
In this case it's "Don't crap where you play if playing there is so gosh darned important to you".
As Starsky has pointed out to you, any contact at all (even negative contact) is likely to set you back to square 1 where she just has no loving feelings for you.
So... that's the risk to you, your family and your marriage. How long can you and your family endure being on this rollercoaster before you finally snap, and you become the one who is leaving and who has no interest whatsoever in rekindling things.
That might sound crazy to you right now, but we have seen that happen over and over and over, so it's not as crazy as it might sound.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
She should respect your feeling/thoughts period. Especially when trust is an issue.
You are handling this well. Stick to your guns. Explain to her why this is a problem and even the science behind hormones etc.
Explain to her how it's important that you both define what your "NUTS" are. Your w having an EA/PA is definitely top of the NUT list.
TKD studio are in every strip mall. If she has been with that dojo/school for a long time then she can go to another satelite school or work w another of it's instructors.
Another idea. Was this Jackoff the head instructor? Then traditionally you should be able to train in another form. Then challenge him to a fight to the death then take over his dojo. Works great in Bruce Lee movies.
issue arose because he did not share it with her. something that she enjoyed immensely that he never came to support.
much like the reason why you see some guy and some girl you work with taking their lunch hour together or meeting at Moe's for a beer to talk about work after work. they feel alone and want to share their experiences.
didnt even go to her black belt promotion. interesting, would you blow off your kids HS graduation?
Pen needs to fix some internal shite, but if she is wanting to work on being married then finding a new TKD studio is a great sign from her, unrealsitic and controling for Pen to take TDK away from her completely though, hence a new studio, even if its 10 more minutes away.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
There are ways he can support her with her TKD that don't involve her having regular contact with OM. And yes, he needs to be "solution-oriented" in this, as Coach has already outlined for him.
Just because you haven't supported a sculptor in the past, doesn't mean you allow them unfettered access to the scalpels once they become a cutter.
