This is the first time I ever posted on a forum but am obviously looking for help and support thru this. To make a long story short, my wife and I have been married for 14 years and started darting back in high school. We are each others first and only serious boyfriend/girlfriend.
We have 2 daughters the ages of 12 and 9. My wife and I are in our early 30s so of course started having kids at a young age. We are now at the stage in our life where our kids are more grown up and we are fairly financially successful. Instead of enjoying this time, my wife has become more and more distant from me over the last few years. Over the last few years she has begun to go and watch the same band twice a month with her friend. I didn’t think much of it until a friend of the family was over once and was surprised I let my wife go out the way she was dressed. I then began to question it a little more in my head. My wife always would just say it is her source of fun.
She then began to come home later and later from these outings and even go to the bars with this band afterwards. I was still being fairly naïve and trusting husband at this point. I did sense my wife emotionally distancing herself from me more and more, but didn’t put two and two together (pretty stupid of me looking back).
Then back in May of this year, my wife had the talk with me. I kind of asked what was going on because of her distance and lack of empathy for me and she laid the MLC bomb: • Enjoys when I am away for work. Gives her space. • Hasn’t been happy for the last 10 years (looking back I can see it now) I would always ask what was wrong, but she would say nothing is. • Doesn’t have the same feelings for me. • She knows she would be hard to live with and that the issue isn’t me. • She doesn’t want to leave because everyone would think she is the bad guy. (Everyone that knows my wife and I well know that I am a people pleasure and have always done anything for her) • Wondering if we could still be friends if something happened. • Wished I would find someone else to act the way I want (Brought up to her a few times the lack of affections she gives me. Very self centered and won’t even kiss me on the lips anymore) • Asked if I would be able to keep the house if she left.
I comforted her and said we need to work on this together and it would be both of our faults if it didn’t work. For a few days I thought about this and was hurt more and more. Since then over the last few months we’ve had other talks where she has said: • Doesn’t want to lose control or say in the kids half of the time. • Doesn’t want me to try too hard and do nice things for her anymore. • Doesn’t want to lose our lifestyle. • Wants space.
I started to get paranoid and checked into things. I noticed in her email account she has emailed a suspected band member several times about assorted things. I also overheard her say once that she can’t get this guy out of her head and should probably quit going to the concerts. She has since gone on a paranoid lockdown and changed passwords on everything.
There are so many other details but this is kind of the summary. I’ve asked her to leave a few times because I don’t want to be somewhere I am needed but not wanted. Has always said I need to be the one that leaves. The more I look back also now on our relationship, I realize how dysfunctional and one sided it was. For our entire married life she has been so controlling and unaffectionate towards me. She is extremely moody and I feel has borderline depression issues.
We are still struggling together and more and more I am convinced it is an EA. I don’t believe it is a PA yet, but am worried. We have seen a marriage councilor once now (same person she saw individually twice) and her advice for me was to give her space and let her go to these concerts.
I am struggling I guess with what to do next. Do I continue to pursue and look at accounts to try and figure out what is really going on, which seems to be such a difficult roller coaster ride? Another option I’ve read is to detach. I find that so hard with being the affectionate one in the relationship
P.S. I also came to faith a little before she laid the bomb down on me. I now see relationships differently with how a good Christian marriage should be. It is so hard to take the moral high road with all of this when I know in my heart I must, but to see her inflict so much pain onto me. I’ve asked her a few times to not go to the concerts for a while so that we can work on our marriage and she refuses.
