Lost and Confused

[Chrysalid]

Hi DB's .. this is my first post and this is my story.

I’ve been married to my husband for 8 years. We have had some very good times and some pretty rocky times. The last year and a half have been very shaky, but I never in a million years thought our problems were divorce worthy. My husband is a very reserved man and I’m more an aggressive type, I’m emotional , I shout , I cry while he just calmly tries to analyze everything which in itself is infuriating.. lol..he’s a very stubborn man and when he thinks he’s right even when proven wrong he still thinks he’s right. Over the past 8 years we’ve struggled financially, always seems debt creeps up on us and we would fight about our finances. He got a new job and things were looking up but the more money he made the more he resented a joint account so we argued about that and finally split our finances, then arguments ensued about the split costs of household stuff. Well 6 months after he landed this fantastic job he was out of work and decided to open up his own business, which I fully supported him on even though he could have broke us for good.

A year later around June and during one of our arguments, he said we’re headed for divorce unless I make some serious changes. He then moved him self into the spare bedroom. He claims I’m never happy and that is affecting my persona and our marriage and I make him unhappy. I do have issues I know that, I have some anger issues (just shouting , never physical) I’m not happy with my weight or my job. I can’t change things over night so I picked my battles. I’ve been going to therapy for my emotional issues and I went back to school to better my career and even joined a sports team to meet some people and become more social and active. I thought I was making positive changes in my life, then my husband started hanging out with a mutual female friend , one who is recently separated. I believe it’s an innocent relationship but he was spending a lot of time ‘talking ‘ about our relationship and texting her and meeting her and friends for lunch and at the bar.. I didn’t appreciate this and it seemed excessive and then we started arguing about that, I felt hurt that he wouldn’t talk to me about our problems.. I begged him to move back into the bedroom with me as he moved himself further from me rather than coming together to make things work. He became more distant and then he finally agreed to come to counseling with me. During all this he’d been having new success with his business, he gained a couple of partners and they were doing their new launch in a new building and it was getting lots of exposure and exciting things were happening for him and I’m very proud for him in that fact. But I think because of all these new changes in his life he keeps looking at me like the one thing that is preventing him from moving forward with his life. He’s only 33 so I’m not sure if it’s an early mid-life crisis, I don’t really understand what is going on.

3 weeks ago i thought we were having a break through. He was starting to spend more time at home, we were having dinner together, we were being more civil and he was being more considerate with letting me know when he was going to be late etc. He even came to watch my sports practices. Things were going well, I felt positive, I thought we were on the right track, even having our little laughs like we used to.. then we went to the counseling session and everything went sour. When we got home his whole attitude changed.. he just looked at me and said ‘I’m sorry I can’t do this.. it’s over’ I was just so shocked and my heart was crushed. I couldn’t convince him to continue to go, I pleaded with him for a few nights and he said he doesn’t have the energy to come on my journey of self fulfillment with me or invest in the time to go to the sessions. He said he needs to work on his own things. He says we’ll get over this and once we separate officially , it’ll take time but we can be friends again. I’m flabbergasted that he can think ‘down the road’ as friends but not as a married couple… and he’s all nonchalant saying ‘8 years is okay, we did okay’ . God I’m so hurt and I cry every night and because we are in debt we can’t leave the house right now so we’re basically just living in our separate areas. I struggle every day to keep it together at home , at work, with friends.. it’s so hard.

The only thing that keeps me sane is the positive thinking that because my husband sees everything in black and white that maybe he needs solid evidence of me changing.. like my weight, like my attitude and the fact that we’re living in the same house I thought I’d have the chance to prove to him… however, he no longer comes home before midnight and I don’t see him for days at a time.. I constantly wonder where he is or who he’s with and I don’t think it’s very fair on me.. it’s only been 2 weeks since we went to the counseling session, which I believe now put the nails in the coffin of our marriage. I’m paranoid that he’s looking for someone else and I’m driving myself crazy with my thoughts. I’ve taken on all the blame and I’m making all the changes.

Anyway, through my depression and loneliness and trying to seek answers I found this site and I’m picking up the book this weekend..it’s the only site that truly gives me hope that maybe he’ll come around and he’ll see that we can be happy again and it’s not all lost. I can’t bear to think of my life without him, it would be different if we both wanted out.. I feel like he’s died and I’m mourning him while he’s out acting like its not bothering him in the least.

Any advice or opinions would be greatly appreciated as most of my family doesn’t know yet and the few friends who do know are not very helpful. They think I should move out.. but I’m not ready for him or I to leave yet. I really miss my best friend. Am I doing myself more harm by staying ?

Thanks for listening.

Chrys.