I haven't filled out or filed the court papers yet. I'm just so nervous about making H hate me. I feel it would be a very adversarial move and I'm not willing to do that right now.
((Mystic))
It's so hard reading your posts and knowing the pain that you are feeling. I understand we all have our own pace of working this stuff out in our minds. It's easy to be looking in from the outside and tell you what you should do or how you should feel.
I have retained my L but not filed for some of the same reasons you mentioned. I don't want a long, drawn out court fight and I am just assuming my W will try to make that happen. I really don't know. I have chosen not to because I want to be able to tell my kids that I tried everything that I knew how to keep this family together. But, when my W or your H has no desire to do anything to make the relationship better and they are too chickensh!t to do it themselves, how long are we supposed to hang around and wallow on our guilt or shame or sadness?
I won't tell you to file. I will tell you, like others have, that you shouldn't be worried about your H hating you. He has already made his decision. He is the one who should be worried about what he has done and continues to do to you. You should hate what he has done. It makes me sick to read let alone have to live through it.
Until you realize that you are worth so much more than giving him the time of day, you won't get better. Throughout this whole ordeal, I have gained self-confidence and a sense of self-worth that I hadn't felt in years. It feels great. Even in the midst of my family falling apart and accepting my part in it, I feel better about myself than I have in way too long. I think you need to start there. Accept that your H has made his choice and you have one to make of your own: Be the best Mystic you can be. For yourself and for your DS. If you do that, there is no down side. You win no matter what.
Please look at yourself and know you and DS deserve so much better.
