Should I Tell Her To Move Back.....?

[gr8 day 2B alive]

Nothing.

Here was my full reply:
W,
Believe me now when I say I understand exactly how you felt. Read the following and tell me if I'm wrong:
Four years ago a woman laid in bed at night, not wanting to wake up in the morning. There was no way out. She couldn't divorce him. He would have visitation without her there to protect him. He had never hit them, but he surely didn't understand how to care for them. He didn't even know who they were.

She couldn't leave. She had no job, no way of putting food on the table for the children she loved. She had been dependent for so long, and she trusted this man to provide for her. Now she lay in bed, wondering who he was, and how she got here. These were not the choices she would have made, if she had a second chance.

She couldn't talk to him. He couldn't hear her. She desperately wanted to share herself with him. He had walls up. She couldn't penetrate them. He seemed so content to work, watch TV, eat and sleep. Why didn't he want more, like she?

She felt trapped. She resented herself for letting him treat her this way for so long. He told her often enough, it was a good husband. She is so much more from him. She tried telling him, for years she tried, then she cried, she begged, she pleaded, but he couldn't hear her.

He was cold, hard, in a fog.

She tried everything, she read every book. She prayed her heart out. She tried to be more Christlike. Figuring if she set the example, he would follow.

She knew it came down to two choices. Her children’s happiness, or hers. She would sacrifice hers. She decided to stay, and raise the children, with this man who would never know her. When they moved out, so would she. And then she would salvage what was left for her.

She put her heart in a dusty old box on top of the closet. It was easier. She didn't hurt anymore, she was numb.

When she finally quit trying, and trying to fill her hours with distractions, he noticed. His father was lifted. He wasn't quite so cold, so hard. She didn't care. It was too late. She was numb. Her heart was in that box. She vowed never to take it out again.

She stumbled through her days, crossing them off on the calendar. Wondering how much longer she could live this way. Did her children see her unhappiness? She wondered, what are they better off with a single happy parent, or with two parents who coexists? The torment was eating her alive. What to do?

By now, she wasn't sleeping. Wasn't eating. She pulled away from all of her friends. She was dying inside. She desperately wanted, needed to be loved, appreciated, noticed, cherished. She was a beautiful fragile flower slowly dying without water, sunshine and air.

When no one was watching, she cried. She cried until she ran out of tears. She wanted it to be over, she wanted the pain to stop. Every time she looked at her husband, it reminded her of the pain. The pain that was consuming her. She turned to alcohol to numb the pain. Anything to make the pain go away. Her friends asked her why she's losing so much weight. She wonders, why can't anyone see that I'm dying here. She doesn't try to tell the man she shares a bed with, remember he can't hear her. She finally writes in the letter. She says she's done. They need to raise their children, and he is the only one who can be their dad. Now he's fully awaken and out of his fog. He’s scared. He had no idea how badly she hurt. He thought things were good. He's been living in a separate reality from her.

He says he'll change, he'll do anything, to make her happy. He says his family is the most important thing to him. She doesn't believe him. She is numb. Her heart is safely in that box. He tries, she watches. He tries some more, she watches. He is dying now. She is numb. Now he wants the pain to stop. She’s numb. Talking to him remind her how much she used to hurt, she can see it in his eyes now. Her survival instincts kick in, at least she doesn't hurt now, she’s numb.

The only place to go from numb is anger. He tries some more, she can see he's making changes. Now comes the buried the anger . The anger that she wanted to express to him for all the years passed. The anger she was to show. He doesn't realize how anger is better that numb. He takes her anger. For 12 months he takes her anger. Sometimes he fights back, and when he does she goes numb again.

She's so scared to take her heart out of that dusty box. Numb is so much safer. Angry is so much safer. Does he know how horrid it is for her? She knew that day that her children were born, that she would give her life to them. She just didn't know it would be like this.

Sometimes he tries to push her to heal faster. She's doing her best. She wants more from her at times. She's doing her best.

Some nights the pain returns and she remembers, and she just can't sleep. She's not numb any more, the anger is going away. She does not know how or where, but it is. She's so scared. Numb is safer. Anger is safer. If she gives into her fear, to her sometimes overwhelming fear, everyone will call her a walkaway wife.

I have read this 100 times over trying to understand how you felt.I understand your feelings, that's why I forgave you awhile back.

I was trying hard the first 8 months after August. It seemed the more I tried the more I pushed you away. I learned if you keep trying the same thing over and over again theresult will be the same. I believe you can relate to this. You wanted to see a mediator. What else could I think other then you wanted to move on/ I even asked you in May when we spoke, Do you want a divorce? You said yes. Do you think this is the best thing to do? Again you said yes.

Those were two very direct questions and answers. What would someone think otherwise then what you said? At that point I accepted your decision. I was living in limbo for months. Limbo it a terrible place to be in. After that talk, even though I didn't get the outcome I wanted, at least I had direction. I had your answer, and I was out of limbo. I searched deeper into myself and continued to self improve. I was determined to be the great guy I was before, but this time with a better understanding about relationships. Over time I gain my self confidence back and was happy.



Then you call me one morning and tell me someone else gave you the hard sell about me. That wasn't too convincing and didn't make me feel good. You acted on someone else's thoughts and feelings. I may have sounded condescending because I wasn't going to let my emotions get the best of me again. Then, I thought about it more and thought " not many people get an opportunity to reconcile with their spouse" I was opened to the idea and that's why I gave you a copy of the book. I was excited that you said you started to read it and let me know we should talk when you're done reading it.I wanted to reach out to you but i decided I wasn't going to mention anything about the book at D5's party. I wanted to know you were serious about working on us. It was your oppotunity to say something to me. Then no mention of any talk. I was going back into limbo again and I didn't want to be there.

Now let me give you my perspective on my feelings. After many sessions in counseling and marriage therapy it was pointed out to me that I suffer for an aniety disorder.

It made sense to me and they were right. I do recall it starting way back when we decided to get married. My anxiety grew with the major life changes we were making. Getting married and buying a house. Then I lost my job and we couldn't start they family we wanted. I couldn't provide you with the "dream" we both shared. Providing for one's family makes a man feel good and I was struggling to provide. Then I landed a deciet job and I was feeling good once again. We started a family and we were stable. Then news of my dad hit me. Again the anxiety over took me. Causing me so much stress. I didn't handle the stress well at all. You weren't working my dad digressing took a toll on me. I'm sure my stress affected your feelings towards me. We did start to drink more frequently and me drinking so much coffee added to my problems. I feared losing my job when sales weren't there.

I wasn't the person who you married. I felt horrible. This is why I don't blame you for leaving, any wife would want to distance herself from the situation.


I realized now you were trying to help me back then. I can't go back and change the past. I now learned I will survive any hardships life throws at me. I won't allow myself to be that way again. I am able to express myself freely now and I feels good.



You are crediting you leaving me as the reason I changed and if you didn't leave I wouldn't have done my self improvement. That may be true however Maybe if you had said something like the following you could have gotten the same result: "Gr8, I am unhappy with our marriage right now, if I don't ________ and ________ and see changes within 3 months I will be leaving you" maybe that would have worked too. But any case we' are where we are now.



I honestly can see a great relationship between us in the future. I'm not the same person I was a year ago. I would love to have the opportunity to work on us. If you say you still love me and want to be with me I need to know and feel that from you. I will in turn reciprocate those feelings. We need to learn how each other feels loved.

I have another book on that. I'm almost finished reading it. I know I was showing you love in the wrong way. The book is called "The Five Languages of Love".



So ask yourself if this is something you would like to work on. Keep in mind it will be very difficult and we will have to dig deep for us to succeed. Marriage is a lot of work even in good times.

If you decide to work on things I have direction on how to proceed.

I want to be on a loving realtionship.

What do you want?

[v1olin]

I read that WAW letter a long time ago and thought about sending it to my xw but I thought it would only help her beleive she was right to leave me. I don't know what yours is thinking but she is still not clear yet. She is still blaming you for what she did. I don't remember, did you file? Or did she?

[gr8 day 2B alive]

V,

W suggested we get a post marital agreement in place in February.
After May , I pushed for everything, The appraisal for the house and the meeting with the mediator. I decided I wanted better.

Last week I gave her the "I can't be with someone who doesn't want to be with me speech"
I ended with "Once we finalize the agreement I will be the one to file"

I was not bluffy.

Anyway that's what has transpired the past week.

I ned to focus on this meeting and be clear to her what I'm looking for. I will also need to know what she wants.
Hopefully she can express her needs to me. I will not leave without knowing what she wants.

[v1olin]

I think you are doing fine gr8. Let her do most of the talking at first. Women love a good listener.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

W and I had a little talk yeasterday.

What I took away from the meeting was that W has trust issues that a happy M can exist.
I express my needs and wants to her and see could really express herself.

Silence was a lot of her resposes. I felt like I was performing tests to found out what she wants/needs.

She is still holding onto the past.
She said she still loves me and porbably always will.
I did validate her feelings and listened to her.

I think she is confused. She wants to give it a try but the past history of things is holding her back.

I am at my wits end. She was the one to contact me to talk. I thought she was ready to move forward.
I need to move forward either with R or D.

Another issue is that she doesn't feel am physically attracted to her.

How can I show this to her with out it be pursuing? IDK
Should I send flowers? should I ask her out on a date?
I think she wants some attention now. Before when I was doing it, it pushed her further away. I stopped the chasing. This isn't the typical ~ WAW wanting to come back and work on things.

Her negativity is her worst enemy. I can't be around someone who is negative.

Not a good Monday to start the week.

[gutwrenching]

These kinds of things do seem to happen on weekends don't they! Make for miserable Mondays!

At this point, what would it hurt to give her some attention, build her self esteem...you are at the crossroad, you are in control, sounds like a perfect place to lead. Just don't go oveboard.

Focus on her primary LL and make it small, monitor the result. That is my advice.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

thanks Gut,

I was thinking about sending flowers. I did even bring up yesterday that I was showing her love in the wrong way.

I'm thinking now I should suggest MC to rebuild trust.

I do want to lead and think it is a good opportunity to do so.

Going to digest some more.

Why is it so difficult for her to trust again?
She is no more happier now then she was when she was with me.

[gutwrenching]

Why is it so difficult for her to trust again?
She is no more happier now then she was when she was with me.

In her mind, for 14 years she was disappointed...so trust is hard. Of course she is no happier and she probably hasn't dealt with that fact yet. She left to be in a fantasy land and is consumed with that fantasy...unwilling to let go that the grass has to be greener on the otherside. What I don't remember from you is if there was OM involved or not...cause that can be a factor too of course

[Kimmie Lee]

No flowers.

I think it's just more of the same dicking you around.

[soleil]

I read that WAW post awhile back. I never knew it was about you, Gr8! When I read that, I identified with it a LOT.

I think your response is great. You are owning what you did... it takes a real man to do that, to admit to his contribuation to the way things ended up. And she would also need to admit her half, too.

Last week I gave her the "I can't be with someone who doesn't want to be with me speech"

And that's fair, IMO.

I think you should send the flowers w/ a note.