I am coming back to the newcomers section because of recent events in my house. I really need some input, and the Piecing section is slow. Plus, I don’t really think we’re piecing any more.
It came out that the only reason H moved back into our bedroom was because of the pain after his surgery. It was nothing to do with us, our marriage, or trying to make things work. He still doesn’t know if he will ever love me or trust me the way he (and I both) know I should be.
In the meantime, I am a wreck. HUGE wreck. I am not eating or sleeping well, I am constantly focused on the M, making it work, and trying to reconnect with H. H, for his part, has pretty much checked out. He’s pleasant to be around, he will talk to me like we’re friends, I get the hug a friend would give, but there’s nothing more on his end.
For my part, I feel like a stupid teenage girl with a crush that will forever be unrequited. I’m in love with someone who does not love me back. He basically told me that he doesn’t know if his feeling would ever change, and that he wouldn’t blame me for walking away. I ended up in tears because I have been denying this realization for months now, but I have been working on my self-esteem, and I now realize that I deserve better.
If circumstances were different, I would be gone. I’d pack up my stuff, say goodbye, and set off on my own. BUT, there are some things that are keeping me tethered to the relationship: 1) The kids. 2) Our financial situation. We’re broke, living paycheck to paycheck. Leaving the M would mean moving into my parents’ house with two kids in tow. 3) H is willing to commit to the marriage, he just doesn’t know if he will ever have “those kinds” of feeling for me. Financially, and for the kids, I feel like staying in the same house is the best option.
H says this is all about him, and has nothing to do with me. He’s not having an A; I’m 100% certain because I have been snooping. When he is not working, he is home. He had a friend die in the line of duty a few weeks back, and another friend has been accused of homicide for an in-the-line-of-duty shooting. He is taking both hard. He’s depressed, and he says he cannot put much mental effort into anything right now.
Not sure what to do – let my pride lead me away from him, or stick it out and hope his feelings change? How do I go about DBing this? With my D2 and H’s work schedule, I have very little time to GAL, aside from hitting the gym four times a week. At least I am back to my college weight, plus I am completing a 5k per month. That’s something.
I don’t know how to make this hurting stop. It’s consuming me, and I am afraid it will start preventing me from functioning on a day to day basis. With my LSE issues, I find it difficult not to tie my self worth into the success of this relationship, especially since I feel like I have no other choice right now.
We're going out on a "date" tonight. Movie and dinner. I know it's not anything other than us getting out of the house and having fun. Should I play it cool? Act like nothing is wrong? Fool around with him (in the "I have new underwear" sense)?
Me: 36 H: 36 S9 (from my previous marriage) D2 Bomb-date: 4/7/10 10/10 Giving it six months to see what happens
Also, when he returns to his regular squad, he will be working with the female partner -- the one he had developed feelings for. She also tried to convince him to divorce me several times over, so there is no lost love between us.
Well, there's your problem, right there, W.A.N. So long as he went back in contact with her, he's never going to be open to you emotionally. It's a chemical thing, from what I've learned. This is why you see "No contact means no contact" so much on these threads (like Pensacola's wife's TKD example).
Also, when he returns to his regular squad, he will be working with the female partner -- the one he had developed feelings for. She also tried to convince him to divorce me several times over, so there is no lost love between us.
Well, there's your problem, right there, W.A.N. So long as he went back in contact with her, he's never going to be open to you emotionally. It's a chemical thing, from what I've learned. This is why you see "No contact means no contact" so much on these threads (like Pensacola's wife's TKD example).
Starsky
This is such a tough topic. There's very little he can do -- aside from quitting his job. He has been avoiding her as much as possible. He knows how I feel, and he says he understands and respects that. With city budget cuts, there's little to no lateral movement within the department. He's pretty much stuck where he's at. The real stickler is the loss of his friend and the arrest of his other one. He said it didn't really hit him until he returned to work after his surgery, and now he feels overwhelmed.
Me: 36 H: 36 S9 (from my previous marriage) D2 Bomb-date: 4/7/10 10/10 Giving it six months to see what happens
Yep! He's a fixer. It's his archtype -- being the rescuer. 'Cept once he rescues the damsel, he's pretty much done with her.
Except in your case, the damsel knows him better than anyone else on this planet, including maybe himself, so why does she keep falling for it?
What is the damsel's plan THIS time, that will be different, knowing what she knows about him?
Starsky
THIS time, I am not needing rescue. This time, I am taking care of myself and not falling into that old role that I play so well. I've been the distressed maiden for too long. Time to show myself (and him) that I am capable of taking care of myself. It's so easy to fall back into that role, though... must be strong here.
Me: 36 H: 36 S9 (from my previous marriage) D2 Bomb-date: 4/7/10 10/10 Giving it six months to see what happens
This is such a tough topic. There's very little he can do -- aside from quitting his job.
I guess it depends on how important the marriage is to him, and to what extent he feels you're serious about your boundaries.
Quote:
He knows how I feel, and he says he understands and respects that.
I don't get the impression that he "respects" that one whit. I've read all of your past sitch, and I'm sorry to say, but I don't think he takes you seriously at all.
Again, go check out Pensacola's thread for a good discussion about "boundaries" vs. "ultimatums." Your position should have been "Look, I'm not telling you where to work or what to do. I'm telling you what MY boundary is, and I'm saying that I value myself too much to remain married to someone who's back in daily contact with the woman that he had an affair with." (or whatever)
