Thanks for weighing in Albuquerque. I'm really wrestling with this, and probably will be for the next few days.
I think you are right about the "cake eating," but in this case I don’t think that is all there is to it. Based on a previous conversation H & I had about a week or two ago, I read his "doesn't mean anything" comment to mean he hasn't made a decision regarding our R or coming home - not that he doesn't care about me. One thing I am sure of, and I really do mean sure of, is that H loves me. Another thing I am sure of is that our #1 obstacle in our R is, to be blunt... sex.
After D3 came along, the whole physical side of our R took a back seat. No sleep, constant screaming from reflux pain (even on medication), and both of us over focused on our baby… it all took a toll. After H lost his job last year though, he withdrew. I think it was a much deeper depression than I originally believed. H started drinking more. Sex started to go downhill. Way… downhill. And there was a lot less of it going on. I now believe that the drinking was the biggest contributing factor to that, though there were others. The more H had drank, the more things “just didn’t work.” The more things didn’t work, the less either one of us wanted to try.
When I got the ILYBNILWY speech, the one thing that just blew me away was that H had counted the number of times we had sex in the last year. I somewhat disagree that the number was as low as he said, but it was REALLY low. 6. Ouch. During the speech, H also said we were “more like roommates,” another comment that makes me believe that lack of sex is maybe his main reason for leaving and turning to someone else. Shortly after leaving, H once said that he felt that I had rejected him a long time ago.
So here is what I am struggling with… Sex won’t fix this, but I don’t think it can be healed without it. H is extremely fragile regarding this entire subject. I don’t think I can convince him that there is hope in this matter by talking about it. If anything, at this point I think talking about it will only add to the stress H feels about this and make him run even more. The only way seems to be to show him that there is some hope. Most of the other pieces of our R are really in good shape, or at least still intact.
As far as OW, I am sure that H has someone else on some level. How far it has gone, I can’t be sure. I have to assume the worst though. I’m a big girl, and I know how to protect myself from an STD. Protecting me emotionally will be much more difficult, but right now I feel ok. Really ok. For now.
