anyway, the reason for this post is that a while back, you were frustrated with your wife because she wanted certain changes in you and you were doing them but she was still angry with you.
i told you that when you make the changes because she mentioned them, it comes across as fake or phony (not genuine). you still didn't quite grasp the concept and i understand. while posting to khudoo, i thought of an example.
when a woman says "you never take me out to dinner!" .. you'd take that at face value and think "ok, i'll take her to a fancy restaurant. problem solved." will that score you points? nope.
"you never take me out to dinner!" really translates to "you never spend time with me anymore." you're focused on the fancy/expensive restaurant when really, it's not about the fancy restaurant. it's about spending time together and giving her your undivided attention. you'd score big points by taking her for a drive and having great conversation in the car or a walk on the beach. it has nothing to do with going out for dinner and everything to do with spending quality time together.
it's also shows that you were truly listening. you get her. it establishes that emotional connection that we all want with our h. it's the same as looking at each other and not having to say anything because you know you're thinking of the same thing. yes, it's unfair that we speak in "code" like that .. but when you do it because we asked for it, it doesn't create that emotional connection. it's just doing for the sake of doing.
i hope that's a better explanation. i'm working on my communication skills.
D4MIL
I was thinking about this some more and I understand this example, but the things my W was complaining about were lack of doing laundry and other household chores, spending time with the kids, not talking with her about her day (that one is similar). Some of this seems like pretty concrete stuff to me that doesn't have a 2nd meaning.
I had been helping in the kitchen already, but ramped it up, I started folding and putting away laundry (she wouldn't let me actually wash it!), started playing more games with the kids (I had always played video games with them). I also started asking her about her day each evening.
When I started doing more of this stuff, she got even madder. Regarding asking about her day, "Why are you asking me this now? You never cared before.." The truth is that she was on the phone with her girlfriend from work every night between 30 and 60 minutes. While that was going on, i got busy with other things. We used to talk more about her work when we were younger, but somehow we stopped doing that. She doesn't understand much about my work, but I guess I could have tried to put less of a technical spin and more of a human touch on it? She really likes to read US, In-Touch and other gossip magazines that track "the stars". My attitude about that stuff is "Who cares about some dumb movie stars"? She still spends way too much time on the phone. The kids even complain about it. My D has been complaining about it for quite some time. Since WAY before this all blew up.
Regarding cleaning, "see, you know how to do this stuff, you just CHOSE note to do it before. The truth is, I never really even thought about it before. When I said "Why didn't you ask me to help you?" The answer was "I shouldn't have to." She said, you sat on the couch while I did all this work, which is true to an extent. Then, when I went crazy doing all this stuff, she told me that I didn't have to do all of this because I needed time to relax too and since she was only working part-time, she expected to do most of it. Then I was smothering her. A would ask her if she needed help and she would say, I'm only doing this thing and then I am done. Then she would keep going. One night I walked up to her and asked what I could do to help, she yelled at me.
Her complaints seemed to change frequently from housework, to kids, to sex, to lack of communication to whatever else. Part of me thinks that many of these weren't really issues at all, but excuses to justify what she wanted to do.
IDK, I thought I WAS listening. I asked her if she wanted to set some marriage goals for the coming year? She asked, like what? I said like getting emotionally reconnected. She said, you don't think we are emotionally connected? Well I am. I said, I am too, but not the way it should be if you don't want to have sex with me.
It didn't matter what I said or did. EVERYTHING was wrong. Her blow-up happened right around the time she met the OM, but they didn't seem to take-off for a while after that, at least based on the phone records.
I think this is about a lot more than just me. I think she is having an MLC. Somehow she thinks she missed her life and maybe it is not as good as she thought it should be. Didn't live up to her little girl fantasies. She complained one time that she didn't know how to do anything except evaluate sex offenders (she is a Parole Officer). I didn't validate. I said of course you do honey, you are a great mom, a great cook, blah, blah, blah. It didn't help. I never validated. I tried to fix problems.
I really did think that I was doing the right thing by focusing on providing for my family. We'll just have to wait and see what happens, right?
Ok, another novel on the board. Maybe I just need to check out for longer periods. I noticed that Robx never posted nearly as much as I do.
Thanks for listening D4.
When they feel loved, they don't care about this stuff. When they don't feel loved, these things just amplify to them how we don't care about them. Men may consider these things a fair division of labor. E.G., I work full-time, do the landscaping, home improvement, etc., she can do the damn dishes since she does not work/works only two days per week. I shouldn't have to load and unload the dishwasher.
When they don't feel loved and under the stress of that, leaving dishes in the sink for them to put away is a symbol to them of how we now feel about them - not as lovers who we cherish and would go out of our way to do things for, but as someone who we expect to pick up after them.
